My heart...My Son...All Pics

Wrap Me In Your Arms

Lord I fail you so often yet at every turn you are still there arms wide open.

This is one of the things I want people to know about my Heavenly Father. In a world so full of conditions and harsh judgments there is a God who is Judge but is loving and kind and wants the very best for his children and is always always waiting for them to come to Him so that he can LOVE and HOLD and HELP and COMFORT.

Why is it so hard for us to turn to him first. Why is it so easy for me to walk away. Why do I neglect Him over and over..and why and how can He still be there waiting for me with Absolute Unconditional Love?

It is hard for my human mind and heart to comprehend because I live in a world of conditional love and brokenness and sin. It is hard to fathom that there really is someone who will ALWAYS love you no matter what you do or don't do.

We humans certainly struggle to love that way and often times we remove our love based on some condition we have set for people and we have no idea that we are even doing it. When others do not perform the way we expect or demand. When others fail us. When people, human people, fail us we remove our love. It is common place in our world.

This is not how God loves. He loves without condition. He never leaves us or forsakes us.

I have experienced this over and over and over and over again.

How many of us would walk away if our spouse cheated? Yet how many times do I cheat on God?

How many of us would walk away if someone we loved stopped talking to us or spending time with us? Yet how often do I completely neglect God, I don't talk to him or spend time with him, yet He is still there waiting.

How many of us would stick around someone who constantly doubted what we can do? Yet how many times do I doubt what God says, promises even?

I didn't sit down today to write such an in your face post, in fact it was going in the opposite direction but here it is what God is speaking to my heart and it hurts to type it and it hurts to read it and it hurts to know that it is all true about me

Life gets busy. Life IS hard. Life HURTS. I am so exhausted and worn out from life that I don't shower some days, there are days I don't eat any real food until dinner time. I stay in the same pajamas many days in a row. I have bitterness and ugliness in my heart toward people who have hurt me. This is the ugly truth. This is what God wanted me to see this morning, this and...

He is screaming....no WHISPERING as only God can do...I AM HERE DAUGHTER, I AM RIGHT HERE, I AM WAITING FOR YOU TO RETURN TO ME, I AM WAITING TO HEAL YOU, I AM WAITING TO GIVE YOU REST, I AM HERE RIGHT HERE. HOW I LONG TO HOLD YOU AND ROCK YOU AND SOOTHE YOU. COME TO ME DAUGHTER AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST AND RESTORATION. I AM HERE, IT IS NOT TOO LATE, YOU HAVE NOT STRAYED TOO FAR.

As I sit here with the baby monitor turned up watching my baby boy sleep the image that pops in my head as God said those words to me is the middle of the night feedings when I am quietly rocking my baby boy and feeding him(soothing him), he's curled in my arms on my lap and he is peaceful, he knows that mama is there, he feels my arms around him, he's enjoying the warm milk from the bottle, he's wrapped up nice and warm, he feels my breath on his forehead and he knows that he is safe and home.

That is what God longs for us to feel. To allow ourselves to be wrapped up in His arms safe and home. With all the world still spinning around us in all of its darkness and strife.

"THERE IS A GOD WHO LOVES ME
WHO WRAPS ME IN HIS ARMS
THAT IS THE PLACE WHERE I'M CHANGE
AND THAT'S WHERE I BELONG
TAKE ME TO THAT PLACE, LORD
TO THE SECRET PLACE WHERE
I CAN BE WITH YOU
YOU CAN MAKE ME LIKE YOU
WRAP ME IN YOUR ARMS
WRAP ME IN YOUR ARMS
WRAP ME IN YOUR ARMS"
~ Michael Gungor

Thank you Lord for wrapping me up just now. I need you so much. I wanna stay wrapped in your arms all day everyday.

Friendship

Friendship is one of the most important aspects of life...I know that now.

It was so easy to take advantage of it when I had easy access to my friends daily or weekly...even monthly.

However I have learned in this last year and a half how important friendship is and how easy it is to take advantage of and how difficult it is to be without friends close by.

When Mr. Wonderful and I moved back to our home state from Missouri, the state we'd lived in for four years at that point, we knew we were leaving some of the best friends we had ever had.  It was one of the hardest things we have ever done and in the days, weeks, months and year and a half since it has become harder and harder to be without those precious friends in our life.

What has taught me the importance of friendship the most is the lack of friendship here.

I am typically pretty slow to make friends, especially after a big transition, I tend to fight my my introverted nature to reach outside of myself and make connections. But eventually I need friendships so much that I can pull outside of myself to make them.

We have been in our new community a year and a half and we have yet to make any lasting connections. And to be honest that has been really really hard. It makes us miss the wonderful friends we have in MO even more. We get to see them rarely yet we keep in close touch.

We appreciate them now more than ever.

We have tried and made connections only to have to connections taken away from us for one reason or another.

Currently we are in search of a new church and in prayer that with that will come Godly and lasting friendships. Fellowship with others who are like us is so vital in our lives.

Just this year I have had moments that have opened my eyes so widely to that.

We traveled back to MO for a beautiful baby shower and we were showered in our friendships in that process. We stayed with our great friends for the weekend and I was able to have breakfast with my BFF and coffee with my Bestie (our titles). Those moments are absolutely priceless to me.

Sitting across the table with my friends who love me unconditionally and know me in all my ugliness and struggle and supporting and loving me in my pregnancy was unbelievable.

My most vivid memories included:

Coffee with my Bestie who is also in ministry and being able to tell her my struggles and knowing that she can understand like no other because she understands ministry and she knows me and my heart so well. I can never thank her enough for that time, that precious time however brief that it was...it was life giving.

Or riding in my BFF's car as we chatted and went here and there just being near and sharing our lives together, it is so easy to be with her, she too knows me and my heart and accepts me completely. She has been with me through every up and down, she has listened and she has allowed me to be a taker in our relationship so much over the past year, she understands my heart and where I have been. Just being with her was life giving....precious precious time.

It's those most mundane moments those everyday or just one on one moments that I truly miss the most.

I miss just being able to be together and share moments together. I miss my friends.

I am praying that new relationships are on the way for us, but I will hold tight to the precious friends we have far away and I will cherish them completely. I know what a true treasure they really are.

We aren't the only ones...

In the recent changes in our life and ministry I have learned a new lesson.

I am not the only one who can affect my calling.

What I mean by that is that there are many involved in the call God places on my life, now this I have always understood, however what I have recently understood from the last ministry position we held is that others can affect or change that calling.

My husband and I know beyond a shadow of doubt that we were called to our last church by God and that we were supposed to be there to minister for years to come.

So to say that we were heartbroken when God released us from the church and led us to move on is an understatement. 

This was not how things were supposed to go. 

However God was not surprised by this turn of events and He is faithful in every way! He has walked with us and given us his hand to hold, his Word to breathe life back into us and his Wisdom to glorify Him even in a situation that is very difficult and very heart breaking.

We have peace that we did what He asked us to do, we went when he said go and we gave all we had to give and then we kept trying to give more and more and at every turn we were shut down. There was nothing WE could do about that. 

Others affected our calling and it is a new lesson for me that this is possoble yet I now know it to be true. 

When you have done all God has asked you to do, when you have given every songle thing you have to give, when you have believed, prayed and fasted for change then it is out of your hands. 

There was the possibility for the ending to be different, I believe God gave every chance. I know we were absolutely not perfect, God did not call us to be, but I know when did all He asked and we tried long after He was telling us...it's ok, it's over, you are free, let go.

I believe we were released long before I was even willing to hear that, because this was not the call we heard and this was not the way it was supposed to go. But it's okay, God knows, God sees, and God is not surprised. 

He still has a calling for us and I know after some time of re-building we will minister again. 

He will call us, He will open a door and we will answer his call and we will have a vision of what it will look like (a limited vision as we are mere humans) and we will move forward fully and completely without reservation and holdong nothing back even with the new understanding that we may do all we are asked to do and we may give all we are called to give and we may do this right and good as much as human vessels can and in the end others may choose not to accept or allow these things. 

We will give everything even with the understanding that we are not the only ones who affect our calling and sometimes God shifts the tracks and leads us in a different direction because the direction we were called to go has been altered by others and is stealing the life and breath from us.

You see ultimately it is God who is in control and though we and others affect the call it is God who is leading the way and directing the path and shifting the tracks. He knows when it is time to change direction. 

Our track has been shifted, for a moment I considered just jumping off the train all together, I was tired, I couldn't understand why nothing was changing, I couldn't stop running into the stone wall over and over until the very life had been beaten out of me & God saw and said..ENOUGH, THAT IS ENOUGH IT IS TIME TO GO NOW IT IS TIME TO CHNAGE DIRECTION AND IT IS OKAY.

It took me a while to understand that I had not failed, I had given everything I had and that was what God asked and called me to do. The end results were not up to me. 

And ultimately it is God who leads us. 

None of this is easy and it certainly isn't they way we expected things to go, but we are not the only ones involved in our calling and now I understand that we aren't the only ones who affect that calling and that is okay because it is God who leads and he is with us and He Has A Purpose and Plan for us and A Future for us.

I trust you Lord even when I control nothing! It is okay.

Life Update 8.21.15

So wow...I am a Parent!! That's right I have a SON!!

Easton Martin Trotter was born July 15th, 2015 at 9:30am via C-Section (he was breech). He weighed in at 8lbs 3oz and was 19.5 inches long. His cry was the most amazing sound I have ever heard!

Currently it is nap time for our sweet 5 week and 2 day old baby boy and mommy is enjoying a moment of quiet after a few rough hours.

Oh the many emotions of motherhood. Seriously no one can ever really prepare you for the craziness that is being a mom.

Paranoia, exhaustion, I want space and then I miss him like crazy, happy, sad, oh the many feelings.

Oh and the mess...heavens the mess!! The poop and the spit up and the slobber and the pee and the leaking boobs!!

But oh the sweet moments that more than make up for all of the difficult moments. When that baby boy looks at me or smiles or cuddles into me...I don't care one bit that just this morning I was covered in spit up or poop or peed on. I don't care that he cried for 20 minutes straight because his tummy hurt and there was little I could do but hold him while he struggled. I don't care one bit that he woke up in his car seat while I was pumping and clawed his face to the point of bleeding (yeah that made me feel like a horrible mom)!

So our days are full of ups and downs of trying to figure each other out and I am absolutely loving every single moment, even the difficult ones, even when I am so tired and exhausted and I don't want to see another dirty diaper.

Being a mom is the absolute HARDEST thing I have ever done but it is equally the most AMAZING thing I have ever experienced too and I am so thankful for every single moment. I am so thankful for every cry and smile, for every snuggle and dirty diaper, for every sleepless hour that I stare into my baby boys eyes.

I am so honored that God chose us to be this little boy's parents and I love watching him grow. It doesn't make me sad at all to see him grow and change for I know that is exactly what God created him for. I love seeing him do new things and get stronger and bigger everyday!

I would not trade this time for anything!

So life these days are filled with nursing and bottle feeding, changing diapers, rocking, singing, tummy time, naps, pacifiers, snuggles, washing clothes, sorting through clothes to find what fits and does not fit, working toward transitioning to formula before I go back to work and he goes to daycare, working on napping without being rocked so hopefully his transition to daycare is easier, short walks outside, pumping, and just soaking up every single moment as we watch this amazing little happy boy grow.

He is a joy, he is laid back, he likes to eat and sleep and struggles to poop, he likes to rock and he has already rolled over (belly to back) FOUR times, he nurses well but likes the bottle too, he loves to be swaddled, he adores his Daddy and has five of the best grandparents that love him sooo much.

His eyes are still blue but Daddy and Boo think they are beginning to turn green, mommy hopes they stay blue like Daddy's.

At his One Month check up he weighed 10lbs 1oz and was 22.5 inches long and is doing great!

We are beginning to figure each other out and are settling into a pretty good routine, he eats about every 3 hours (4oz), he is usually awake from 30 mins to an hour after he eats and then he fights sleep and finally naps. He is sleeping anywhere from 2.5-3 hours at night.

Life is fun and sweet and exhausting and we wouldn't change a thing!

Marshall is still loving his job and they love him. He is an amazing Daddy and to see those two together just does something in-explainable to my heart! Marshall works so incredibly hard and then comes home and works on the yard or takes the baby or washes dishes, he is so Wonderful. On Friday nights he takes the night shift so mommy can rest (we've just started this so mommy is adjusting).

In June we stepped down from our position at the church...it was such a difficult decision but it brought so much freedom and life back to us. Sunday we visited a new church, we liked it but are not committed yet. We know that we will have a time of re-building before going back into ministry and what that will look like we have no idea. We know God has a plan for us and that He is with us all the way, in the good and not so good. We are very saddened and surprised at how our last position turned out and that it had to end like it did, that was not what we expected but we know that God is teaching us so much through it all. We know that there is hope and a future for us.

We love our home and this area and we cannot wait to see what God has in store for our sweet little family.