Talk about perspective...

Matthew 6:30-33 - Message Bible

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers- most of which are never even seen-don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met."

Yep I sure did need to hear this!!!

NIV version:

"But seek first HIS kingdom and HIS righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

If that doesn't put things into perspective...well I dont know what does...how about the Word of God...and how it is just what we need whenever we need something...when you struggle find a bible...ask God to give you a verse to stand on...and HE WILL...then everytime you think about what you are struggling with repeat the verse...then everytime you think of the verse repeat it again...meditate on it...it will help you stand where you need to stand in the midst of your struggles.

Remembering Nine Eleven

REMEMBERING NINE ELEVEN

ON THIS FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY

OF THE DAY WE STOOD IN FEAR

WE NEED NOT BE REMINDED

TODAY REMEMBER DEAR

WHEN THE WORDS NINE ELEVEN

ARE HEARD SAID ALOUD

OUR MIND IMMEDIATELY RETURNS

AND SEES THE DUSTY CROWD

FOR THIS GENERATION HAS NO OTHER

SUCH AS THIS TO RECALL

THIS ONE DAY IS THE MEMEORY

THAT STANDS ABOVE THEM ALL

WE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER

EXACTLY WHERE WE WERE

THE VERY FIRST FEELING

THE MOMENT THAT WE HEARD

THE IMAGES ARE SEARD

UPON OUR HEARTS AND MINDS

NEVER TO BE FORGOTTEN

THIS DAY IN HISTORYS TIME

ITS IS NOT REQUIRED TO BE ASK

DO YOU REMEMBER WHERE YOU WERE

WE AUTOMATICALLY RECALL

WITHOUT SAYING A WORD

On September 11, 2001...

I was at work when the realization of what happened hit...I cried and prayed all day for those who were there that day...God continue to strengthen this country and its leader...continue to give wisdom and protection to this country and its leaders...we need you Lord...9-11 reminded us how much we need YOU...I love you Father...In Jesus name...Amen.

Just in time...

Wow in the midst of my day...having a stinky attitude and finding it incredibly hard to just be nice and sweet and normal...I read this...isnt it just like our Father to tell us just what we need to hear just as we need to hear it...and to think there are those who do not believe He is a personal God...read His word and get a daily devotion and there will be no doubt left...God is so good...even in our yuck days...we just have to let Him be good...hmmm...wow!
Below is a Sheila Walsh Devotion...it came just in time for me today!!


August 29, 2006

Say Thank You

Were there no God we would be in this glorious world with grateful hearts and no one to thank. Christina Rossetti

Im learning to stop for thankful moments. It's become daily discipline of mine since I found that I was getting overwhelmed by all the daily stuff that "has to get done." Some of the feelings and fears I had before I was hospitalized for clinical depression were niggling at me again, buzzing around me like persistent houseflies. I've learned enough about what makes me tick to pay attention when I feel myself sinking. So I'm learning to stop intentionally throughout every day and lift my heart and soul to heaven and say, "Thank you!" Giving thanks does wonders for my soul. It refocuses me on what's really important so that instead of dwelling on the fact that Christian just tried to flush my new pale blue suede pumps down the toilet, I can celebrate the gift of a child when so many arms are empty. Marcus Aurelius, a first-century Roman emperor, wrote that the most important thing a man can choose is how he thinks. We can dwell every day on the things that are not working and let them drag us down, or we can thank God for the simple gifts of grace he gives us every day if we have a heart to see them. When Barry's mom's liver cancer had spread to the degree that she was receiving in-home hospice care, she told me about the many people who dropped by every day to say "hi" or to bring some crab soup to try to tempt her to eat. "Sometimes you don't stop to think how many good friends you have until a time like this," Eleanor said. That thought sat on my shoulder like a small bird waiting to be fed. One March evening when we were visiting Eleanor in Charleston, Barry and I went out for a drive through the beautiful countryside. Suddenly the idea occurred to me: "Here's what I'd like to do," I said. "We'll have a good photo taken of you and Christian and me and get it enlarged, then cut it into pieces." Barry looked at me as if the strain of his mom's illness had pushed me off a mental bridge. "Like a jigsaw puzzle," I explained. "We'll send a piece of the puzzle to each of our dear friends with a letter telling them why we're grateful to them, what they add to our lives, and how God has used them to fill in the missing pieces in our hearts. Then at Christmastime we'll invite them to a party at our house. We'll ask them to bring their piece, and we'll give them a gift specially chosen to highlight what they mean to us." Barry was still looking at me as if I needed more sleep. I pressed on as we women have to when they don't get it. "At the end of the evening we'll glue all the pieces back together, a visual picture of how our friends have added to our lives and how truly grateful we are for each one of them." "What made you think of that?" Barry asked as we drove across the river. "Don't you think it's a good idea?" I asked him. "Sure I do," he replied, "but what made you think of it?" "I don't really know. Sometimes I just want to find more ways to say 'Thank you."' "So you just thought of that?" Barry pressed. "Yes!" "And you're feeling all right?" "Yes!" I smiled. "It's like what we're trying to teach Christian. We tell him it's not enough just to say 'Sorry' when he does something wrong. Instead we ask him to tell us what he's sorry for. So perhaps it's not always enough to say Thanks, either. We need to say what we're thankful for." As I lay in bed that night after swallowing the two aspirin Barry gave me, I thought about how the same principle applies to our relationship with God. Instead of just tossing off a "Hey, thanks!" now and then as we hustle through life, why not make it a practice to thank him very specifically for his goodness to us? In her book Basket of Blessings: 31 Days to a More Grateful Heart, Karen O'Connor shares her experience with just such a practice. "If you want to be content, to experience peace," a friend had told Karen, "write down your blessings-the things you're grateful for-on slips of paper and put them in a container of some kind. A small basket or box or bag will do. Soon it will be full to overflowing. From time to time look at what you wrote. No one can be discontent for long with so much to be thankful for." In addition to filling a "blessing basket" on a daily basis, we could write a letter to God once a year, listing all that pours out of our hearts for his extravagant grace to us. Think of what a joy it would be to keep our annual letters of gratitude to read through the years or to pass on to our children. Whether our "Thank yous" are momentary, intentional pauses in the midst of a hectic day, thank-you notes to God for his many blessings, or lengthy discourses of his grace, cultivating an attitude of gratitude will remind us of the truth that under girds our lives: "For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations" (Ps. 100:5). Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. - Psalm100:4

I just want to BE victorious...

Well here I am swimming in and out of discouragement...for the past week or so I seem to dip down into to the pit of discouragement so easily...and truth of the matter is...I know I am at fault...but I also know that I can not dwell there...sometimes I just so feel like I am spinning my wheels and getting NOWHERE...I know that is probably not entirely true...but I want to see major changes in me...major break throughs...I want to BE victorious...and its not that I just want to skip all the work...its just I want to SEE something happening in me...I have been asking God to help me see myself as He does...and one thing I know is that I have backed away from the Word again...I plan to get back today...I let my lack of routine get me out of focus...and there are many things I need to get back into focus...the first and most important being my devotions...I need to be fed by the Living Word...EVERYDAY...God is encouraging me...but I am having a little bit of a tough time holding on to that encouragement...on the whole though...I WILL NOT GIVE UP...even though at times I get tired...there's not giving up...Thank you Jesus for never leaving my side...for always lifting me up and holding me tight...I love you with all of my heart, soul and being...continue your work in me Father...in Jesus name...Amen.

Staying on the front lines...

I really hate that my strength seems to disappear so easlily...seems like one day things are great and the next I have relapsed into old habits...habits that I am fighting with all my might to break...makes me angry...but whats the point in being angry...gets me nowhere...owell...I am just going to pick myself back up...dust off and stay on the front lines...ever wonder when...when will I win...when will I be done...sometimes I think I am glad I will never been done cause then where would I be...but in the midst of battle I wonder when will it all be over...I should take a hint...when I am feeling my strongest...I am probably being prepared for battle...I should see it coming by now...sometimes I am so fired up and ready to charge...and sometimes I am so torn down I cant hold my head up...I hate those times...I like feeling strong...I like charging...I dont like being torn down...but it is all part of it...part of growth...through it all...through even the hardest times...when I dont feel like I can hold my head up...when I have fallen yet again...the one thing that remains strong is my love for my Father...it shocked me last night...when I was struggling to worship him...I didnt have the strength to raise my hands to him...but in my heart I was screaming I love you I love you I love you to my Father...it was reverberating from my very depths from my soul I was loving Him...and the amazing thing is He loves me so much more...and I know He is here with me...cheering me on...I just hate to fall down...I hate that I have to regroup and seemingly start over...it makes me want to get discouraged and think I am never going to beat this thing...but I refuse to think like that...I refuse to allow myself to go there and believe that...Jesus is my Victory...and I know He wants me to win even more than I want me to win...so therefore I just have to keep my eyes and ears open...keep seeking deeper and deeper to find the answers and the strength I need to win...I am STAYING on the front lines...I will not run for cover...I will STAND and FIGHT...Jesus is my Refuge and I have no need to run and hide...Jesus I need you today and everyday...thank you for walking beside me and being my Soulmate, my Victory, my Refuge, my EVERYTHING...I need you and I want to fight this battle WITH YOU...I do not want to go it alone...I know that leads nowhere...I need to hear you and listen to you and obey you...help me Holy Spirit...be my Helper always...Father I love you with all my soul...my depths cry out with love for you...I know you have given me that love and I am thankful...thank you for making me strong and determined...thank you for making me who I am...help me to see myself as you see me and not as my eyes would see me...help me to look beyond what is seen to the unseen and hold tight till I can see it...You are my Source of LIFE...I need you to come to my Rescue...You are ever Faithful...and I hope to be more like you every day...help me to keep fighting! In Jesus name I pray...amen. At the front lines I stand. Pray!

My battle cry - The sword of the Lord and ME!!!

Things are going good with me. I am winning battles and tearing down walls in my heart I did not even really know were there. It’s amazing how much your past can imprison you. But Jesus is my Victory and we are winning. I know this year will be life changing for me if I win the battles set before me. And I am fighting will all my might!! I know a lot of this has to be done before I can take the next step in my life; which is hopefully marriage!!? But we’ll see if that’s the next step or not! I know eventually that will happen but I don’t want it before the right time that is for sure!! Mom and Glenn are responding to me so much better than ever before. I am so thankful!! They are loving me in the small ways that they can and it’s nice that they are even trying. Mom actually seems to care about me again. I feel like I have been a good example to them and that they are learning from me and how I am loving them. And that makes me feel like I am actually doing something for the kingdom and for them. Because for so long I have just felt like I haven’t done anything or been any good for them or shown them God very much. But I feel a bit differently now. I am thankful. And honestly its nice to actually have Mom tell me she loves me without me forcing her to; and to have her ask about me once in a while. It’s been so foreign for so long. So anyway the more I learn to receive the love God has for me the better I am and the more I can love them and my future family. That is the battle I am in now. Learning to open up and fully receive love from God and those He has placed in my life as living examples. It’s super hard but I am fighting for it!! So pray for me. This is possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to face. Even harder than dealing with the sexual abuse from my past, shockingly enough! So my battle cry is - The sword of the Lord and Me!! Together we will win!! Jehovah Nissi - Lord you reign in Victory!! Thank you Jesus!!

My own battle song!

This blog is broken in two pieces...it was started weeks ago and finished today

You ever feel like you should have your own battle song you fight so much...seems like all my life I have been fighting...can't decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing...depends on which day you ask me...well I know this God created me with incredible determination...and I know HE is the only reason I have made it through...this world creates unsafety, guilt, abuse, worthlessness, shame, hatred, and I have fought it all...I have fought it since I was a child...some days I get tired...more tired that I can express...some days I get determined and fired up for battle...some days I get numb...some days I get happy...some days I experience it all...lol...what I am learning and teaching is I am worth it...who...ME...who...YOU...the battles we fight are because WE are worth it...some days I do not feel worth it...but that's when I hold on to what Pastor Tim told me not too long ago..."Don't let your feelings dictate what you know"...what do I know?:
God made me with a plan and purpose
I am His daughter
God loves me unconditionally
God's WORD is just as important as the relationship with Him - it's one of the things that holds the relationship together.

Second part

I feel really good lately about the battle. I feel like we are winning. We who? You ask. Jesus and me. He is the ONLY way for me to get through this. But I feel good. It isnt always easy, but I believe I am making some headway. I want nothing more than to be victorious. For myself but especially for those involved. My present family and my future family. This is my year of Victory I am believing that with all my heart. Maybe next year will hold something different for me. But I dont want to skip ahead to that yet. I mean I do but not before I have the victory I need in my life.
You know I am truly blessed. I really am. I am thankful for what God has done, and what He is doing and what He has given and continues to give. I am thankful, grateful, and content! That is a GREAT place to be! I am thankful to be back here!!
Well this second half has to be short as I have many many things to do here at work!!
Fighting On!

Matthew 5:10-12“You’re blessed when your commitment to God’s kingdom provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom. Not only that – count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens – give a cheer even! – for though they don’t like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.”

Wow - I sat down to read my bible last night and this is the first thing I read.

I WAS ENCOURAGED!!

Ok gonna get a little random here but it helps and I like it:

1) My jaw hurts today - I have no idea why - weird
2) I cant wait for all this with Camille to be over and better
3) I only thought I was caught up - HA
4) I cant wait for this weekend - I so need some fun in the sun
5) I love my portable DVD player - especially when I'm taking a bath
6) I love my new HUGE purse
7) My car is still dirty
8) Another good person is leaving Summer Classics
9) Work is about to get more stressed if that is possible
10) I forgot to wear my jewelry today
11) I want to practice writing
12) I want a spelling or English elementary workbook that would be sooo fun
13) I cant wait to meet about Children's Church Direction - I'm bursting here
14) I hope my invoices come in, in the morning
15) I have not eaten well today

That's all folks!!

This will be a short post I think...time is an issue at this point at work...it has been crazy busy...I think I am enjoying it though...I usually like to know exactly what I am going to be doing everyday...but in this new postition I will not neccesarily know that...anyway God has been moving and shaking me...there is so much to be done and so many battles to fight...I still want more than anything to win...to live and love freely...at this point its a wistful dream...I do not like myself, not my personality, not my character, not my attitude, not much at all that I like these days...its all my fault too...so I seem to be in this never ending cycle that I create myself...stupid huh...well stupid is how the enemy works I guess...there's more confusion and disgust in his plan that's for sure...I am disgusted with his plan and that I have continually allowed him to work...but its like I have no idea how to do things differently...I want so badly just to be what GOD created me to be...but this world I have lived in for all these years has me pretty warped and it is taking much longer than I'd like to straighten things out...soon soon soon...I hope God's soon comes quickly...there is much work to be done...much work...in all areas, in all directions, in all places...just label me A WORK IN PROCESS...and I have to find a way to be okay being that for now...not that I'll ever not be that...but hopefully one day it will not be as bad as it is now...and let me tell you it is bad...I am bad...horrible...I make things, lives, and relationships - HORRIBLE...and that is not what I want to be or do...I feel as though right now I am just living in agony because I am stuck in this place that I DO NO want to be in...and though I try with EVERYTHING in me to get out, to do better, to change, I havent gained much ground it seems...I have gained some ground but not enough, not alot...all I know for sure is God is good, I have no doubts about that, and I am completely sold out to HIM and want nothing more than to be in HIS service and in HIS will...I want to be with Him all the time to be doing things to further His kingdom and to just be doing the work HE has called me to...I want to be what HE created me to be in every area of my life...I want to love HIM all the days of my life and serve HIM forever...I want to be successful at growing and changing and becoming who HE wants me to be...and I do not think that I am who HE wants me to be yet...I do not think I am even close...and that is very disheartening...VERY...well I have taken enough time to bellache...but I guess it helps to get things off my chest...anyway heading back to work...busy busy...in fact I havent left my desk since 11:00 today...

Ok so it has been a really long time since I blogged...it feels good to be back here...not that I really have time but I am just doing it anyway...I feel like there is so much to catch up on...just in myself in writing it all out...it always makes me feel better to write...and I havent written in a while!! My world is moving and shaking...lots happening in my personal life and lots happening at work...things are changing...and you know I am really ready for things to change...I am really ready for things to be different...to move to a different level at both places...God is asking much from me...but to whom much is given much is expected...and I am expected to TRUST...to trust HIM...not me...and you for my whole life the only person I could trust was me...now I have trusted HIM...but not in this particular area...I have relied soley on me...and guess what I have done...messed it up over and over and over...and guess what that has served to do...make me not trust myself...I dont feel like I can do what I need to do...but I think God is saying just let go and let ME worry about it let ME be responsible for it...that is extremely hard for me...and I still dont think I have it quite down yet...but I am going to try...and I am sure I am going to fail...but I am going to try to not look at myself to not judge myself...to just ask God for direction and help...and I know HE can do this in me...HE can do anything...He CAN...I can not...HE CAN...it's not about me its about HIM...and I have to stand there...although its still not really clear to me where I am standing...lol...but it doesnt have to be...and things are not perfect...not at all...but I have always had hope that they will get better...I am ready to be different...I am ready to be changed...I am ready to be VICTORIOUS!! BRING ON THE VICTORY GOD...ok well a little update on yesterday which was Easter Sunday...God gave me an incredible opportunity to be used by HIM...it was so awesome...I loved it...I was part of a gallery of GRACE...I was a Living Witness...He made me a Living Witness...and He spoke through me and it was so awesome...I really loved it...I love to be used by HIM...and He moved and allowed me to speak His words and pray for HIS daughters...it was so cool...I am thankful to have had the opportunity and to have allowed HIM to use me and to have been an empty vessel for HIM...it was incredible!! I loved it!!! Well work has gotten busy so that is all I have time for for now!! God is Good!!

I so just needed a safe place to vent. My feeling were just hurt by someone I wouldnt have expected it from. I was laughed at as I walked into a room. Then put down for being freaked out at the thought of being left at work alone at night. Which I think for a woman is a legitimate thing to be freaked out about. I dont think the person intended to hurt my feelings and probably doesnt even know they did. I want so badly to go tell them. But at the same time I guess I need to just let it go. Although I know if they come up to my office I will be hard pressed not to tell them that I did not appreciate what they did and said. Phewy on them. I think I have been hyper sensitive here at work. I am not handling things like I desire to. I seem to loose it quite easily lately. I get stressed out easily. I want to be calm and collected and trust and shine. I have not succeeded in that lately. I really hate that too!! I guess I am not trying hard enough. Father help me today to not allow things to get to me and make me loose my cool. Help me to stay calm and just know that its not big deal and its alright. Help me to be sweet to the one who has hurt my feelings. Help me not to take on this attitude of it has to be this way or else. That is the wrong attitude to have even if it is about being left alone at work. Search my heart today O God and weed out the ugly and replace it with your good. Help me to have your attitude about things and be led by YOUR Spirit. I want to shine for YOU while I am here and be an example of what peace and love is. I need you today and everyday!! I love you and long to be more like you. Help me fulfill the purpose you have called me to here at Summer Classics. I love you with all my heart! I ask these things in Jesus name. Amen!!

Old maid syndrome...ok this post is not going to be as wonderful as the last one sorry...I so have to do some venting before I explode...let me give a disclaimer first...I am slightly in despair...but its nothing that wont pass...I am having a pity moment...and just need to vent...it probably wont be pleasant or really true...lol...ok so another person younger than me just got engaged...last year at Becky's wedding she and I were the two cited to get married next...how 'bout she beat me...and I pretty much knew she would...although she is very much more whole in Christ than I am so it is really quite normal for her to find her prince charming and marry first...but it does not help me feel any less of an old maid...this will be the fourth wedding I will attend of someone that is younger than me...how 'bout that makes me want to be angrier at my mom for not creating a stable environment filled with God so that maybe by now I would have been whole and married...lol...blah blah blah...lol...I am telling you I am screaming on the inside...and how stupid is it that I just walked through the warehouse feeling the most unworthy, ugly, and self conscioncious than I have in a long time...the good thing is, is that I know somewhere deep down this is all completely insane...that someday my prince will come and I will have my moment in the glorious wedding spotlight...but these younger gals marrying off before me really makes me sad, impatient, and so very insecure...and I know because of something that happened the other night I have a very limited amount of people I can really talk to about this...and though that is okay...it makes it HARDER...and I know this is all dumb and I need to rise above and stand in faith...some days are harder than others...and its not that I just have to have a guy or just want to get married...no I want the real thing...and I am willing to wait for it...but my patience has worn thin...and I have struggled for a little while now to get back to the place I was in last summer...before I allowed my world to be shaken and my patience to fly out the window...again whos fault is it...MINE...yuck...and guess what I turned to today to give me comfort...chocolate...like that is going to make me feel any better about myself...with my already growing waisteline...could I please get a break here...although I do have a great new idea for getting myself out to exercise...I got it from the magazine Todays Christian Woman...books on tape...yes I love to read...and once I get in a good book I dont want to put it down...so if I get them on audio and only allow myself to listen while exercising that would give me great incentive to get out and walk at least...I was inspired by the story I read online in the magazine...I hope it works for me...I plan to shop this weekend for the supplies I'll need to get started...got to find a great book on audio to start with and get a portable cd player...yippe...good thing I just got a bonus check in the bank...blah...chocolate...it sure would help if it were good for me...hee hee...it would be greater if it were a weight loss supplement...yipee...on a lighter more happy note...my boss is having twins and she found out today the other baby IS a girl...so she will be having a boy and a girl...how incredible is that...considering this is her once chance to have children and she really wanted one of each...I'd say God is good...and that should be a testament to me to turn back to trusting him and stop bellyaching...I promise to try my hardest...to throw out an excuse...this has been a really crazy, mixed up, hard week...again whos fault...mine...but in my defense it has been a mess...and on top of that I am possibly coming down with strep...yipee...though I feel much better today than I did yesterday...oh today...now there is a whole hilarious stinky story...I thought my cats vet apt was today and it turns out its tomorrow...I just say that...he hates the car, the crate, and being in a new environment...and he cant eat before surgery...you do the math...poor guy...anyway I had better move past my bellyaching to get some invoicing done...as I am the only one here today to do it...my boss had to be kept over night for some tests on her and the babies to chart her progress more closely and get some more information on stuff I really dont have a clue about...pray for her...this is her dream...pray for me and my retartedness...I really need to put my faith back in my Father and stand in peace where I am...please pray...please please pray...anyway I do feel some better...yeah!! And I do know my God is good...no matter how stupid I am...HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER!! I am thankful!! Lata Gatas!!

I love Jesus yes I do I love Jesus how 'bout you?!?!?!?

Man this is my year of Victory but someone forgot to make it easy...what's up with that...I am fighting a battle...probably the toughest one yet...major major healing...but I am excited because I know once I beat this I will be stronger, better, more whole than EVER before...its incredible and incredibly exciting...wow I think I just figured out what I am going to talk about at the TOG meeting tonight...yipee...anyway God is moving...He is working...He is doing so much and pulling out so much hurt and damage from my heart...DID I SAY IT HURTS YET...wow...does it ever...let me say that one more again...IT HURTS...but did I also say...I AM EXCITED!!!!...man I AM EXCITED...I really really am...I already feel lighter than before and its only just begun...I cant really give away details because I dont have the words...its just a major healing from my past the things I went through as a child...and let me tell you if you think that the things you went through as a child dont affect you that they are just in the past...whoa...I'll be blunt...you are WRONG...you cant just walk away unscathed from that stuff...you can run and try to hide from it...but its there whether you are willing to accept it or not...and I promise if you face it though it is hard and it hurts...you will feel so incredible afterward...IT IS WORTH IT...SO WORTH IT...anyway that stuff will always affect you until you face it head on and give it to God peice by piece...that is what I have learned...I AM EXCITED...now ask me tomorrow if I am excited and I may tell you a different story...but today I am good...I am ready...I am excited...I am armored up...well anyway I must go because its FRIDAY and I really want to get out of here on time!!! Pray for me, for strength, for wisdom, for courage, for openness, for trust in God, for determination and endurance...to run this race to the finish...GAME ON!! I LOVE JESUS!!!

Ok I know Valentine's Day is done and gone...and lots of people want to just forget about it...but not me...now did I have some wonderful guy shower me with love and gifts...YES...but not in the way you think!!!! I spent my Valentine's evening with the love of my life ~ Jesus Christ my Savior!! We had prayer at the church and I was there on my face before God...praising Him and crying out to Him...why is that so awesome you say???...Well first of all because God is awesome and that's enough...but secondly because I was excited about spending my Valentine's Day with God...finally I have gotten completely past the need to have a guy in my life...and God keeps showing me how good it is to be where I am...and it took me a really long time to get here...a couple years ago I would have been busted over not having a date on Valentine's day...no not a date but a relationship...but now I can say with complete certaintity that I do not need that to be happy or complete or okay with myself...that is a hard place to get for a girl like me...and let me tell you that road wasnt easy...but...IT WAS WORTH IT...and I would not trade it for anything in the world...the next Valentine's day I spend with a guy I want it to be in God's timing and I want him to be my husband to be or my husband already...and I am completely secure that that will take place one day when the timing is right and both myself and my future husband are ready to take that step...you know what...God is good...let me say it this way...God is enough...I need nothing or noone else...and He has shown me that in a real way lately...I want people in my life...but I do not HAVE TO HAVE people in my life...and I think I will always have people in my life...but the point is...is that God is sufficient to cover all my needs and wants...I need to worry about nothing else...nothing else at all...and I am sooooo very very relieved about that!! Well anyway...I also had wonderful surprises from the people in my life on Valentine's Day...some people at work gave me stuff and my brothers gave me a charm and huge card and Neesie gave me this leather magazine tub I have been wanting for FOREVER and a coloring book I cant wait to color in and my favorite gum and a sweet card and my Dad gave me my favorite flowers...Carnations...and a sweet card...it was nice...I am thankful for all the things I recieved physically and spiritually this Valentine's Day!! God is good...all the time...all the time...God is good!!

It's me again...I know I could be getting good at this whole blog thing again huh...ha...last night's service was so incredible...I was so struggling...I am not exactly sure why...but I think I have it figured out...anyway...there was an altar call given in the middle of praise and worship...let me just say real quick I love how our church totally lets the Spirit lead and it's just fine to give an altar call in the middle of something if the Spirit moves...anyway so there was an altar call given for those who have parents who dont know the Lord...and let me tell you I am in youth on Wednesday nights...and I am 25...so I was not really keen on going on up to the altar in a youth service...call me proud or vain or whatever...but God toally catered to that want...I stood at my seat and just said God please see me standing here...I dont want to go up there but see me anyway...and up until that altar call I was just numb I wasnt feeling a thing...well at this point I am standing there crying and crying out to God to please see me...and He did...the next thing I know one of my friends was there praying for me and speaking into my life...that is the first time in a really really long time God used her to minister to me...and it was awesome...God spoke several things I needed to hear but didnt know I needed to hear...wow...I was weeping...it was great...I so needed that...and I wanted to continue to weep the whole rest of the service...and at the end of serice during that altar call and worship time one of the girls in the youth came up and hugged me...it was so wonderful words can not even express that she would come over to the other side of the room to reach out to me like that...and not forgetting another friend of mine that was standing right beside me all service that loved on me after I got prayed for in the beginning...this is a friend I have just started to embrace...she is definately a lover...and I think I actually like that about her...which is incredibly odd for me becuase I am not a toucher really...but she is alot like me and we like alot of the same things...well we are both very girly...I have such a girly side that I dont let out much...and alot of the times there is not someone there that is girly like me to share it with...so it will be nice to have that...I am looking forward to slowly seeing where this friendship will go...I am learning to not jump into friendships head first...becaue I hurt others that way and I get hurt as well...it is different taking things slow and getting to know someone like that...and its not even really in the physical realm but in my mind and heart that I have slowed things down...it is different...and I will admit that I am apprehensive...but we'll see where it goes...I do not know...and I do not want to plan it...lol...like I always do...anyway...I am just ever so thankful for the way God works...the way He knows me so much better than I know myself...and He knows exactly what I need before I ever even suspect...I am in awe...and last night too...I got to talk to my brother...and he was more open with me than he has been in a very long time...I just pray that I will know the correct place to stand with him...and the best way to love him and be an example to him and guide him...I am so thankful for my brothers...I have found a new awareness of the ways they bless my life lately...I have never had brother like this...that care about me and want to actually have a real relationship with me...it is very different but very wonderful too...I am loving it...God has given me back so much that I never got growing up...and you know I have only been a Daughter of the King for about 4 years...and He has done so much...I have fought really hard the battles He has placed before me and I am so glad I have been so willing to fight so hard...I hope I stay willing...anyway I realized again the other day how much he has given me through my second mom...alot of what I am able to give back to others I first got from her...she is the only one in my life that loves unconditionally...and I am so thankful...I have no idea how I could ever survive or live without her...she is amazing...and I do not give her the credit that I should...I do not give her the appreciation that I should...in fact most of the time my actions do not match my words at all...its like a trap I am in...and I know God is trying desperately to change that in me...if only I could grab a hold and get it...I hope that is one thing that will be done this year...and oh how I love music...mmmmm...okay well I must go and get this work day done...there is so much to do...until next time...God is AWESOME and He is all I will EVER need!! I love you my Father...I am so thankful for all that you do...I am sorry I do not show you more appreciation and love...I love you!!!

Well last night was prayer...man do I love prayer...but I was definately struggling some last night to just get lost in His presence...I hate when I struggle there...I was definately feeling bad about the amount of time I have spent reading my bible and spending time with God...I have not done that much lately at all...here's the funny thing...I know how awesome it is do be in the Word and spend time in God's presence...why on earth do I not make time for it...uuggghhh...there is just simply no excuse for it at all...I need to be doing it EVERY DAY...and there was a time not too long ago when I was doing it every day...but I have not been doing it ever day...maybe a couple days a week...yuck...what is up with that...I know what I am missing...I know that I could have so much more peace, confidence, joy, so much more good stuff...I have got to make that a priority...just sit down and make the time to get lost in the Word and His presence...and all else will fall into place...man I love my God so much...but I sure do a poor job showing Him on a daily basis...I am ashamed of how I have neglected Him...ok so today I am resolving to do better starting today...I will find time to read my bible and sit and visit with my Father today...ok so I havent been posting here much...it's been busy and I havent had alot to say...that is weird for me...maybe I havent taken the time to just write...anyway...we now have a place at the river...which is so exciting...it is so beautiful there...and peaceful...we were there this past weekend for a women's meeting...and that was fun...I can not wait for it to get warm so we can hang there more and really enjoy it...I hope it will be safe to swim around the pier...that will be so fun...cause we have cool floats and stuff...dude I am going to be dark this summer...hee hee...I can not wait...anyway that will be super fun...well my computer is acting crazy so I had better go...lata gatas!! God is good all the time, all the time God is good!!!

TGIF...yes as usual I am so glad it is Friday...and this weekend is BGMC weekend and I have found so much information on the country we are learning about and I am excited...I am thankful too for that excitement... and I really want BGMC this year to be light and fun and wonderful and not stressful and something I fret about...Father I need you in that...I have given this to you...BGMC is nothing without you...oh I am so excited...ideas just keep coming in...cool...well lets see the coolest most wonderful thing that has happened lately is the changes in my relationship to my brother Jared and my brother Daniel...Jared and I have made it to a whole new level of acceptance in our relationship and I never thought it would be like this...I am excited...and I cant wait to see it grow...please Father dont let either of us takes steps backwards...and Daniel and I have come back around...not full circle by any means...but things are better between us than they have been in a little while...so for that I am thankful...and I am so blessed to have brothers like them...I have never had brothers like them before...now mind you I love my older brothers...love them so much...but we do not really have a relationship...we barely even know each other...and that is terribly sad to me...and I hope and pray that one day that will change too...well that is really all I have time for right now I need to get back to work...it is Friday and the sooner quiting time gets here the better!!

I need a little moment to vent some of this fire in my belly…wow…God I don’t want to walk in sin with this…I know it would be easy to judge there…Father I need you to help me put this into perspective…its not a new battle…its not something I have come up with brand new…its an existing fight…not one that no one has ever noticed or tried to win…me and my narrow minded thinking…help me to see that, help me to not go overboard with this…help me to do with it what YOU would have me do with it…help me to have balance and know where my boundaries are…that way I do not hurt others…balance…control...not the bad kind…lol…Father I feel like there is much to learn here…help me see and be open and listen to You and obey you…right now this is consuming me…I am burning for it…I am passionate about it…and I don’t wan to loose that passion…but I want to be able to have a clear mind and put it into perspective…there are so many places I need balance…but I’m not going there today either…one day at a time…today Father help me to hear YOUR voice and know YOUR will and know YOUR way…help me to see and understand the things that YOU would have me see and understand in this…Father I need you and I need to be in prayer to you everyday…seeking guidance and wisdom for myself and others…help me to find the permanent discipline I need to stay in your WORD and to daily converse with You and be in constant communion with You…Father there are many desires…help me today to calm down and begin to find balance and perspective…I need you…In Jesus name I ask these things! Amen!

Good Morning...well this new year has started off kind of rough but strong...like there are hard things going on but I am standing stronger than ever before...it is quite interesting...I am not attacking people that are hurting me...I am actually loving them in spite of the things they do to me...it is hard...cause I want to be ugly to them...but at the same time the part of me that does not want to be ugly to them is stronger...so that is wonderful...that means the God in me is stronger than the flesh in that area right now...I am so very thankful to God for all that He gives...for all that He does...for all that He has made me...and for all that He is going to do in me this year...I know already this year is not going to be an easy year...but I want to do the things I need to do to draw closer to HIM...its all about HIM...noone else but HIM!!! My heart cries out to HIM, my heart yearns for HIM...at this point HE is all I am after...but there are still things that I desire as well...I just want HIM more...at least today that is where I am...man if I could just be more consistent in everthing I do and think and feel...that would be great...I know that I am more at peace when I am in HIS presence either seeking His face or His Spirit pouring through me to minister to someone else...I love to minister to others...and I am glad that I am finally to a point where I feel comfortable ministering to anyone...and I want to minister to anyone...and I am glad that He knows me better than I know myself...I am so thankful that He has all those things worked out and that He knows where I am going next and where He is taking me...now if I can just sit back and enjoy the ride it would be great...so many goals...He will help me mee them all if they are right for me though...my only desire the one that sums them all up would be to be better, to become more Christlike, that sums up all my goals in one...they all equal that...so that is good...be in prayer for me...I need strength, wisdom, and determination...I need to be willing to let go...and I am very reluctant to do that...always have been...and pray that I will be patient with myself and with God...my patientce runs out quickly these days...which is quite annoying...lol...but in all this I know that God's love is a healing balm...last night was prayer and I just cried out to HIM...I have cried alot lately more than I ever have in my life I think...almost daily...but last night I cried to Him...I cried so that He could have my tears...and it helped...His love flowed through me like a warm healing balm and I feel so much better today...even still facing the same circumstances as the days before...He has been my Helper, my Healer, my Friend, my Father, my EVERYTHING...and I am thankful...I am thankful for His sacrifice so that today I can feel His love and presence and strength...I am thankful that though I am not worthy He gives me everything I need freely anyway...I am thankful that I have chosen Him and He has chosen me...well that is all for now...I urge you that if you do not know Jesus you get to know Him soon...He will change your whole life and bring joy beyond any words...if you are looking for love and acceptance Jesus is the way...if you are looking for peace and guidance Jesus is the way...if you are looking for life and truth Jesus is the way...THE ONLY WAY...and His gift is free...it only takes you asking and believeing...I love you my Father...be with me today in all that I will face...help me to be the light in the darkness...In Jesus name I ask...Amen!

Good Afternoon...wow how bout this really has been a great week...no really in all circumstances but in God...though I am still not even close to being where I should be with Him...how incredible is it that He has blessed me anyway...He is just so good to me...and I NEVER deserve that...ooohhh Wednesday night in youth service(yes I really am too old to be in youth service but hey I dont care where I hear the word I just want to hear it)so anyway in youth Boo was preaching out of the "love chapter"...man I love that chapter...anyway he said try replacing the word love with God...and this is how it goes...
1 Corinthians 13
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not God, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbol. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all myseteris and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not God, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not God, I gain nothing. God is patient, God is kind. He does not envy, He does not boast, He is not proud. He is not rude, He is not selfseeking, He is not easily angered, He keeps no record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. He always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails. But where there are prophesies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And know these three remain faith, hope and God. But the greatest of these is God."

Whoa...I thought that was awesome...God is awesome...He never fails...that's the bottom line!!