Where...How...

So lately I have been wondering...
Where has Tabbie gone?
The Tabbie that is so sure and calm and in tune with God...
The Tabbie that is patient and caring and deep...
The Tabbie that works hard on being who God created her to be...
I feel like this past year I have lost me...
I feel like I have lost me...
In the wait, in the heartache, in the question WHY?, in the promises,
In the selfishness, in the desire, in the hope, in the doubt, in the dreams...
How could I have lost what I had, who I was?
I remember sitting around a table telling some ladies how sure I was of me and what I wanted and what I was willing to do...
I was sure, I did know, I felt that deep...
How could that have left...
How could I have let that go...
How could I have gotten so bogged down...
I miss feeling sure, I miss being knowledgable, and wise...
Now I feel like I am just surviving from moment to moment...
Barely existing and making it through...
Makes me angry and disappointed...
That I could let me slip away...
That I could let myself spiral down...
I miss my closness with God, my sureness in me from Him...
Not that I havent been close to Him or been with Him...
It's just so different right now...
I just miss me...
The me that was sure, confident, and on top of things...
I feel very close to the bottom right now...
Not anywhere close to the top...

My prayer is that I will pull through and get back to the top...not that I'll ever be completely on the top...but I want some of me back...