Wednesday, April 26, 2006
This will be a short post I think...time is an issue at this point at work...it has been crazy busy...I think I am enjoying it though...I usually like to know exactly what I am going to be doing everyday...but in this new postition I will not neccesarily know that...anyway God has been moving and shaking me...there is so much to be done and so many battles to fight...I still want more than anything to win...to live and love freely...at this point its a wistful dream...I do not like myself, not my personality, not my character, not my attitude, not much at all that I like these days...its all my fault too...so I seem to be in this never ending cycle that I create myself...stupid huh...well stupid is how the enemy works I guess...there's more confusion and disgust in his plan that's for sure...I am disgusted with his plan and that I have continually allowed him to work...but its like I have no idea how to do things differently...I want so badly just to be what GOD created me to be...but this world I have lived in for all these years has me pretty warped and it is taking much longer than I'd like to straighten things out...soon soon soon...I hope God's soon comes quickly...there is much work to be done...much work...in all areas, in all directions, in all places...just label me A WORK IN PROCESS...and I have to find a way to be okay being that for now...not that I'll ever not be that...but hopefully one day it will not be as bad as it is now...and let me tell you it is bad...I am bad...horrible...I make things, lives, and relationships - HORRIBLE...and that is not what I want to be or do...I feel as though right now I am just living in agony because I am stuck in this place that I DO NO want to be in...and though I try with EVERYTHING in me to get out, to do better, to change, I havent gained much ground it seems...I have gained some ground but not enough, not alot...all I know for sure is God is good, I have no doubts about that, and I am completely sold out to HIM and want nothing more than to be in HIS service and in HIS will...I want to be with Him all the time to be doing things to further His kingdom and to just be doing the work HE has called me to...I want to be what HE created me to be in every area of my life...I want to love HIM all the days of my life and serve HIM forever...I want to be successful at growing and changing and becoming who HE wants me to be...and I do not think that I am who HE wants me to be yet...I do not think I am even close...and that is very disheartening...VERY...well I have taken enough time to bellache...but I guess it helps to get things off my chest...anyway heading back to work...busy busy...in fact I havent left my desk since 11:00 today...
Monday, April 17, 2006
Ok so it has been a really long time since I blogged...it feels good to be back here...not that I really have time but I am just doing it anyway...I feel like there is so much to catch up on...just in myself in writing it all out...it always makes me feel better to write...and I havent written in a while!! My world is moving and shaking...lots happening in my personal life and lots happening at work...things are changing...and you know I am really ready for things to change...I am really ready for things to be different...to move to a different level at both places...God is asking much from me...but to whom much is given much is expected...and I am expected to TRUST...to trust HIM...not me...and you for my whole life the only person I could trust was me...now I have trusted HIM...but not in this particular area...I have relied soley on me...and guess what I have done...messed it up over and over and over...and guess what that has served to do...make me not trust myself...I dont feel like I can do what I need to do...but I think God is saying just let go and let ME worry about it let ME be responsible for it...that is extremely hard for me...and I still dont think I have it quite down yet...but I am going to try...and I am sure I am going to fail...but I am going to try to not look at myself to not judge myself...to just ask God for direction and help...and I know HE can do this in me...HE can do anything...He CAN...I can not...HE CAN...it's not about me its about HIM...and I have to stand there...although its still not really clear to me where I am standing...lol...but it doesnt have to be...and things are not perfect...not at all...but I have always had hope that they will get better...I am ready to be different...I am ready to be changed...I am ready to be VICTORIOUS!! BRING ON THE VICTORY GOD...ok well a little update on yesterday which was Easter Sunday...God gave me an incredible opportunity to be used by HIM...it was so awesome...I loved it...I was part of a gallery of GRACE...I was a Living Witness...He made me a Living Witness...and He spoke through me and it was so awesome...I really loved it...I love to be used by HIM...and He moved and allowed me to speak His words and pray for HIS daughters...it was so cool...I am thankful to have had the opportunity and to have allowed HIM to use me and to have been an empty vessel for HIM...it was incredible!! I loved it!!! Well work has gotten busy so that is all I have time for for now!! God is Good!!