Monday, November 20, 2017

Life Update

Well it has been some time since I have posted.

Life has settled into a routine again and we have had one of the most challenging and most wonderful years to date.

Being a stay at home mom is most certainly the Hardest Job I have ever had. Why? I believe it is because it is a constant job. You do not clock in or out...EVER. You are on the clock 24/7.

I appreciate the occasional breaks now more than I ever have.

I have a husband who is dedicated to his family and his calling. He works harder than anyone I know. He works 40+ hours a week at the church and then comes home and engages with his family. He is truly incredible.

I have a strong willed, incredibly smart and funny 2.5 year old who keeps me on my toes always. He pushes every boundary 1000 times a day and gets into things I don't even think to set a boundary for.

I have an almost 1 year old who is most definitely a Mama's Boy. He is sweet and clingy and tolerant of his brother's bulldozer behaviors.

I am thankful that our days have a nice routine to them.
Easton is the first one awake in the mornings, he usually wakes me up with his screaming or kicking his bed after he has gotten bored. He helps me make breakfast (he LOVES to be a big helper). Grayson usually sleeps later and he has breakfast later.

We spend the mornings playing or running short errands. We play in the house or outside in the back yard.

I usually try to have lunch ready early in the 12:00 hour. After lunch I put on a movie and I rock Grayson until he falls asleep while Easton watches the movie. I put Grayson in his bed and tuck him in and then go and rock Easton for just a few minutes and then put him in bed. They are usually both in bed napping by 1:10pm and they usually nap for 3 hours as long as the house is quiet. Which means I camp out in my room so the house stays quiet and I get my own quiet time.

I read my bible and watch Netflix as I write usually. I have a little desk area set up right in front of the window so I have a pretty view as I am relaxing and getting alone time. This has become a vital time for me personally as I have always required alone time to thrive. I am very thankful that both boys nap at the same time for an extended period of time.

It has been extremely beneficial as I have recently begun speaking to our women at church and this has become my study time for that as well.

After nap time we usually try to go back outside before it gets too dark and I have to start making dinner.

Once Daddy comes home one of us makes dinner while the other plays with the boys. We then all sit down to dinner together.

After dinner is usually bath time, play time and then quiet time before bed time.

I will rock both boys as they drink their milk and then I tuck Easton into bed and Daddy puts Grayson down. Both typically sleep through the night now.

We have such a nice rhythm of life.

Things are going very well at the church and we love it there so much.

I am looking forward to what this next year has in store for us. I am praying that we will be able to buy a small house close to the church with a fenced yard.

Thank you Father for a wonderful year. Thank you for Your faithfulness and strength to get through the tough moments.

I want to be a better mother in the new year.

In Jesus' name. Amen.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Failure to Victory

As a mom for of two boys I feel like a failure a lot.  Especially since last November when our lives began to change very rapidly.

In November my husband accepted a position as a full time Children's Pastor in a different part of the state. In December I quit working to become a stay at home mom. At the end of the month we added our second child to the family. In January my husband began to commute 4 hours to begin his new job, I stayed home with the new born while he took our toddler with him to stay at his parents in our new city. At the end of January we officially moved to our new city and reunited our family of FOUR and jumped into our new position with both feet.

To say things were a little chaotic and stressful is an understatement but through it all God was faithful. However things began to show up in my life that had not been there previously.  I began to act out in anger and frustration in the stress toward my toddler. I have never been great with toddlers and thought I would be fine with my own...nope. I am not a great toddler mom. I have no idea how to parent a toddler, how to discipline a toddler, how to teach a toddler and the stress activated a battle I did not know I would face. The battle against anger and frustration. It is an ugly battle.

In the past month the Lord has really being to show me how my anger and frustration are a sin and how they are affecting my son who has also begun to act out in anger and frustration. It's a heart breaking thing to see in him act like me and is a knife to my heart every time.

The Lord is so merciful and gracious though and He has been pouring His love and Spirit out on me and encouraging me in this battle.

He has been reassuring me that I am called to be these boys' mom. That I am His child and His blood runs through my veins. That He is right here with me in this battle and that together we WILL be victorious. That I am not a failure, I am human and a sinner with battles to fight.

I can remember sitting outside a few weeks ago and crying out to Him after a particularly rough day with my toddler who is very strong willed and defiant and telling God that this is the exact reason I was unsure for so long about having kids. I knew that there may be something in me that could damage and hurt them because of the way that I grew up even though I have prayed and prayed for every generation curse to be broken and for every wound to be healed.

I now realize that sometimes those things have to be faced in the heat of the moment, when you are face to face with them, on the front lines, in the direct line of fire from the enemy. So that is where I currently find myself.

Anger and frustration have come up in me from deep below, from what I believe to be a generational curse and by the Power of MY Savior Jesus it will END with me and my children WILL NOT have to fight this when they get older and have children.

I am not a failure unless I decide to quit and I WILL NOT QUIT. My boys deserve better, they deserve for me to fight this battle and win this battle with Jesus.

Our days have gotten better but I still mess up and yell or get too angry. I am not proud of this battle within me. But neither will I hide it for the bible says that "everything exposed by the light becomes visible - and everything that is illuminated becomes a light." Ephesians 5:11

On the day I cried out to the Lord in my back yard I opened my bible and was so encouraged by His Word and a little devotion that was there that read: "We can be the mother our children need because God divinely chose us for the job. Don't doubt it. He perfectly matches each mother with each child. He knows what he is doing. And aren't we glad!" Yes, yes I am glad that God chose me to be these boys mom and that He knew what I would face and how I can and will be victorious, He knew my shortcomings and battles before I have ever faced them and He knows the ones that will come.

Motherhood is not an easy job, it is the hardest thing I have ever done and it is a calling and God never leaves us or forsakes us...where He calls us He equips us and it may be that He equips us right in the heat of a battle and not before but He will always equip us and give us what we need to do what He has created us to do.

I battle anger, frustration and feelings of failure on a daily basis and God is with me every step of the way. VICTORY COMES WITH JESUS.