Tuesday, June 27, 2006

My battle cry - The sword of the Lord and ME!!!

Things are going good with me. I am winning battles and tearing down walls in my heart I did not even really know were there. It’s amazing how much your past can imprison you. But Jesus is my Victory and we are winning. I know this year will be life changing for me if I win the battles set before me. And I am fighting will all my might!! I know a lot of this has to be done before I can take the next step in my life; which is hopefully marriage!!? But we’ll see if that’s the next step or not! I know eventually that will happen but I don’t want it before the right time that is for sure!! Mom and Glenn are responding to me so much better than ever before. I am so thankful!! They are loving me in the small ways that they can and it’s nice that they are even trying. Mom actually seems to care about me again. I feel like I have been a good example to them and that they are learning from me and how I am loving them. And that makes me feel like I am actually doing something for the kingdom and for them. Because for so long I have just felt like I haven’t done anything or been any good for them or shown them God very much. But I feel a bit differently now. I am thankful. And honestly its nice to actually have Mom tell me she loves me without me forcing her to; and to have her ask about me once in a while. It’s been so foreign for so long. So anyway the more I learn to receive the love God has for me the better I am and the more I can love them and my future family. That is the battle I am in now. Learning to open up and fully receive love from God and those He has placed in my life as living examples. It’s super hard but I am fighting for it!! So pray for me. This is possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to face. Even harder than dealing with the sexual abuse from my past, shockingly enough! So my battle cry is - The sword of the Lord and Me!! Together we will win!! Jehovah Nissi - Lord you reign in Victory!! Thank you Jesus!!

Friday, June 02, 2006

My own battle song!

This blog is broken in two pieces...it was started weeks ago and finished today

You ever feel like you should have your own battle song you fight so much...seems like all my life I have been fighting...can't decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing...depends on which day you ask me...well I know this God created me with incredible determination...and I know HE is the only reason I have made it through...this world creates unsafety, guilt, abuse, worthlessness, shame, hatred, and I have fought it all...I have fought it since I was a child...some days I get tired...more tired that I can express...some days I get determined and fired up for battle...some days I get numb...some days I get happy...some days I experience it all...lol...what I am learning and teaching is I am worth it...who...ME...who...YOU...the battles we fight are because WE are worth it...some days I do not feel worth it...but that's when I hold on to what Pastor Tim told me not too long ago..."Don't let your feelings dictate what you know"...what do I know?:
God made me with a plan and purpose
I am His daughter
God loves me unconditionally
God's WORD is just as important as the relationship with Him - it's one of the things that holds the relationship together.

Second part

I feel really good lately about the battle. I feel like we are winning. We who? You ask. Jesus and me. He is the ONLY way for me to get through this. But I feel good. It isnt always easy, but I believe I am making some headway. I want nothing more than to be victorious. For myself but especially for those involved. My present family and my future family. This is my year of Victory I am believing that with all my heart. Maybe next year will hold something different for me. But I dont want to skip ahead to that yet. I mean I do but not before I have the victory I need in my life.
You know I am truly blessed. I really am. I am thankful for what God has done, and what He is doing and what He has given and continues to give. I am thankful, grateful, and content! That is a GREAT place to be! I am thankful to be back here!!
Well this second half has to be short as I have many many things to do here at work!!
Fighting On!