Thursday, November 30, 2006

The blowing of the wind

The winds of change are ever it comes again in the changing of another year...I wonder what the new year holds...and was this year really Victorious for me...what will the new year hold...goals fulfilled? promises begun? battling continuint?
Whatever this year holds I know one thing for sure...I will stand with my Jesus...stand strong and true...always uncompromising even in strife...always with strength even in weakness...standing for my future...the One Day will come one day...I want to be ready...I want to be alert...but I want to be content most of all...maybe in the new year contentment will return to me...

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Still here

Still here...still standing...still waiting...still loving my Father, my Savior, my Helper...still a little out of control...still very much ok...its so refreshing to finally in my lifetime just simply be matter what comes my way...I am simply ok...ALL the glory goes to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ...I would never have gotten to where I am today without Him...I never would have changed...never would have been life has been completely transformed these past several years...and all the credit goes to Jesus...I had someone tell me recently "I am glad you are different and dont do the things you used to do"...well I am glad too...but its all because of Jesus...all because of the RELATIONSHIP I have with Him...He has given me everything I needed to not give up when things got hard...and whew did they get hard...but we didnt give up and we've made it this far...there is still a long journey ahead of me and much to learn and much to change...but with HIM all things are possible...and I wouldnt trade my relationship with my Savior for anything in this world...and I know I am such a better person now...and as I continue to grow and learn I will be better and better...more Christlike is the goal...always the goal...loving's really all about loving...and I hope to get better and better at it...God I'm still here...still learning and growing...still In Love with my Savior!

Monday, October 30, 2006

oh what a glorious day... desire...I love the work...I love the prayer...I love the results...I love being a part of it...oh what a glorious day it will be when I get there full-time...with my husband...Father, please bring that day soon...In Jesus name...Amen!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

In the process of growth...

Waiting...waiting...waiting...I know that when the wait is over I will be able to look back and be proud beyond words...I know right now that it is worth it...that I am worth it...I know that I am ok...I am okay in which ever direction God takes me...I know the places I will not compromise...I know the things I need to see...I know what I am waiting for...GODS WILL...I know that even though there are things I can not control and can not do anything with...I am ok...and God sees me...He knows me...He understands understands me and what I am feeling...I know that I have not and will not manipulate and control to make my wants happen...but I will stand and watch Gods plan happen...because He knows what I need better than anyone else especially me...waiting...waiting to move...waiting to jump...waiting to fall...waiting for my my magnamous moments...waiting so intensly I could jump out of my skin...waiting...letting go...letting go...letting go of my wants and anticipating His...letting go of my thoughts to see what He wills to happen...letting go of my guesses...letting go of my heart...letting go of my dreams...letting go...letting go and letting God...holding on...holding on...holding on to His promises...holding on to His truths...holding on to His hand...holding on to His will...holding on to the growth in me...holding on to my convictions...holding on to me...the real me...holding on with all my might...walking away...letting it up...holding it out in an open palm...releasing it ONE AND ONLY...never giving up...never compromising...never giving in...waiting...letting go...holding am the process of growth and am am I...continuing love with my ONE AND ONLY!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

A glimpse...

I a telling of a story of my last relationship today God allowed me to once again be reminded of what I was and what I have overcome...I needed an extra dose of that...a glimpse of the incredible ugliness that once was...and a glimpse of the beauty He has brought is is is a is alot...but there is more...the are big hurtles before me still...but in seeing the old hurtles I have cleared I know that I can clear the ones that are ever before me...nothing is too big for Him...I was so reminded that He is the one who changed me...NOT ME...I did nothing good...but He did...He transformed me...and I am thankful...I need the transformation to everyway and everyday...I want to be different...I want to be fully who He created me to be...I am striving for perfection...I am striving to be Christlike in EVERYWAY...I want to be a life giver and not a life taker...Father I need you...I thank you...I praise you...I worship you...I need you...I want you...Here I Am...CHANGE ME...I love you!

Monday, October 23, 2006

Where would I be...

Father where would I be without you...when I think about who I am now and the struggles I still contend with everyday...I can not even imagine how on earth I did it without you before...I cant imagine how others around me survived when those around me now struggle so much to survive me...Lord Jesus I do not want to be what I see...I want to be what you created...and You are my only right now my Father with everything in me I cry out to you...dont let me stay in this place...dont let me plane off...I want to keep growing and climbing...and I want those around me to be protected and I want those who will be in my future to be protected...I do not want to be what I am and what I have been...Father hear my heart...hear my cry...You are the only Truth and Way...You are my EVERYTHING...I know that all I need is You...and I need and want you so badly to be in EVERYTHING...I want so badly to be who you created me to be in everyway...Father I need you...I need you everyday...thank you for the ways you surprise me...thank you for holding me up when I cant even hold myself up...thank you for carrying me when I can not even crawl...You are Faithful to me even when I am not faithful to you...You are my strength and my life force...I am so in love with you...thank you for who you are in me...than you for all you are doing...seen and unseen...thank you for walking me through this...thank you for not leaving me...thank you for your promises...thank you for your correction...thank you for your will...i love you my father...i love you my savior...i love you my breath...i love you my heart...i love you my love...i love you

Friday, October 06, 2006

So deep in

So deep in love
So deep in sorrow
So deep in joy
So deep in life
So deep in stress
So deep in hope
So deep in exhaustion
So deep in excitement
So deep in servanthood
So deep in learning
So deep in the journey
So deep in promises
So deep in truth
So deep in prayer
So deep in ministry
So deep in waiting
So deep in trust
So deep in growing

All at the same time...
So deep...

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Talk about perspective...

Matthew 6:30-33 - Message Bible

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers- most of which are never even seen-don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met."

Yep I sure did need to hear this!!!

NIV version:

"But seek first HIS kingdom and HIS righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

If that doesn't put things into perspective...well I dont know what about the Word of God...and how it is just what we need whenever we need something...when you struggle find a bible...ask God to give you a verse to stand on...and HE WILL...then everytime you think about what you are struggling with repeat the verse...then everytime you think of the verse repeat it again...meditate on will help you stand where you need to stand in the midst of your struggles.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Remembering Nine Eleven

On September 11, 2001...
I was at work when the realization of what happened hit...I cried and prayed all day for those who were there that day...God continue to strengthen this country and its leader...continue to give wisdom and protection to this country and its leaders...we need you Lord...9-11 reminded us how much we need YOU...I love you Father...In Jesus name...Amen.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Just in time...

Wow in the midst of my day...having a stinky attitude and finding it incredibly hard to just be nice and sweet and normal...I read this...isnt it just like our Father to tell us just what we need to hear just as we need to hear it...and to think there are those who do not believe He is a personal His word and get a daily devotion and there will be no doubt left...God is so good...even in our yuck days...we just have to let Him be!
Below is a Sheila Walsh came just in time for me today!!

August 29, 2006

Say Thank You

Were there no God we would be in this glorious world with grateful hearts and no one to thank. Christina Rossetti

Im learning to stop for thankful moments. It's become daily discipline of mine since I found that I was getting overwhelmed by all the daily stuff that "has to get done." Some of the feelings and fears I had before I was hospitalized for clinical depression were niggling at me again, buzzing around me like persistent houseflies. I've learned enough about what makes me tick to pay attention when I feel myself sinking. So I'm learning to stop intentionally throughout every day and lift my heart and soul to heaven and say, "Thank you!" Giving thanks does wonders for my soul. It refocuses me on what's really important so that instead of dwelling on the fact that Christian just tried to flush my new pale blue suede pumps down the toilet, I can celebrate the gift of a child when so many arms are empty. Marcus Aurelius, a first-century Roman emperor, wrote that the most important thing a man can choose is how he thinks. We can dwell every day on the things that are not working and let them drag us down, or we can thank God for the simple gifts of grace he gives us every day if we have a heart to see them. When Barry's mom's liver cancer had spread to the degree that she was receiving in-home hospice care, she told me about the many people who dropped by every day to say "hi" or to bring some crab soup to try to tempt her to eat. "Sometimes you don't stop to think how many good friends you have until a time like this," Eleanor said. That thought sat on my shoulder like a small bird waiting to be fed. One March evening when we were visiting Eleanor in Charleston, Barry and I went out for a drive through the beautiful countryside. Suddenly the idea occurred to me: "Here's what I'd like to do," I said. "We'll have a good photo taken of you and Christian and me and get it enlarged, then cut it into pieces." Barry looked at me as if the strain of his mom's illness had pushed me off a mental bridge. "Like a jigsaw puzzle," I explained. "We'll send a piece of the puzzle to each of our dear friends with a letter telling them why we're grateful to them, what they add to our lives, and how God has used them to fill in the missing pieces in our hearts. Then at Christmastime we'll invite them to a party at our house. We'll ask them to bring their piece, and we'll give them a gift specially chosen to highlight what they mean to us." Barry was still looking at me as if I needed more sleep. I pressed on as we women have to when they don't get it. "At the end of the evening we'll glue all the pieces back together, a visual picture of how our friends have added to our lives and how truly grateful we are for each one of them." "What made you think of that?" Barry asked as we drove across the river. "Don't you think it's a good idea?" I asked him. "Sure I do," he replied, "but what made you think of it?" "I don't really know. Sometimes I just want to find more ways to say 'Thank you."' "So you just thought of that?" Barry pressed. "Yes!" "And you're feeling all right?" "Yes!" I smiled. "It's like what we're trying to teach Christian. We tell him it's not enough just to say 'Sorry' when he does something wrong. Instead we ask him to tell us what he's sorry for. So perhaps it's not always enough to say Thanks, either. We need to say what we're thankful for." As I lay in bed that night after swallowing the two aspirin Barry gave me, I thought about how the same principle applies to our relationship with God. Instead of just tossing off a "Hey, thanks!" now and then as we hustle through life, why not make it a practice to thank him very specifically for his goodness to us? In her book Basket of Blessings: 31 Days to a More Grateful Heart, Karen O'Connor shares her experience with just such a practice. "If you want to be content, to experience peace," a friend had told Karen, "write down your blessings-the things you're grateful for-on slips of paper and put them in a container of some kind. A small basket or box or bag will do. Soon it will be full to overflowing. From time to time look at what you wrote. No one can be discontent for long with so much to be thankful for." In addition to filling a "blessing basket" on a daily basis, we could write a letter to God once a year, listing all that pours out of our hearts for his extravagant grace to us. Think of what a joy it would be to keep our annual letters of gratitude to read through the years or to pass on to our children. Whether our "Thank yous" are momentary, intentional pauses in the midst of a hectic day, thank-you notes to God for his many blessings, or lengthy discourses of his grace, cultivating an attitude of gratitude will remind us of the truth that under girds our lives: "For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations" (Ps. 100:5). Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. - Psalm100:4

Thursday, August 03, 2006

I just want to BE victorious...

Well here I am swimming in and out of discouragement...for the past week or so I seem to dip down into to the pit of discouragement so easily...and truth of the matter is...I know I am at fault...but I also know that I can not dwell there...sometimes I just so feel like I am spinning my wheels and getting NOWHERE...I know that is probably not entirely true...but I want to see major changes in me...major break throughs...I want to BE victorious...and its not that I just want to skip all the work...its just I want to SEE something happening in me...I have been asking God to help me see myself as He does...and one thing I know is that I have backed away from the Word again...I plan to get back today...I let my lack of routine get me out of focus...and there are many things I need to get back into focus...the first and most important being my devotions...I need to be fed by the Living Word...EVERYDAY...God is encouraging me...but I am having a little bit of a tough time holding on to that encouragement...on the whole though...I WILL NOT GIVE UP...even though at times I get tired...there's not giving up...Thank you Jesus for never leaving my side...for always lifting me up and holding me tight...I love you with all of my heart, soul and being...continue your work in me Jesus name...Amen.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Staying on the front lines...

I really hate that my strength seems to disappear so easlily...seems like one day things are great and the next I have relapsed into old habits...habits that I am fighting with all my might to break...makes me angry...but whats the point in being angry...gets me nowhere...owell...I am just going to pick myself back up...dust off and stay on the front lines...ever wonder when...when will I win...when will I be done...sometimes I think I am glad I will never been done cause then where would I be...but in the midst of battle I wonder when will it all be over...I should take a hint...when I am feeling my strongest...I am probably being prepared for battle...I should see it coming by now...sometimes I am so fired up and ready to charge...and sometimes I am so torn down I cant hold my head up...I hate those times...I like feeling strong...I like charging...I dont like being torn down...but it is all part of it...part of growth...through it all...through even the hardest times...when I dont feel like I can hold my head up...when I have fallen yet again...the one thing that remains strong is my love for my shocked me last night...when I was struggling to worship him...I didnt have the strength to raise my hands to him...but in my heart I was screaming I love you I love you I love you to my was reverberating from my very depths from my soul I was loving Him...and the amazing thing is He loves me so much more...and I know He is here with me...cheering me on...I just hate to fall down...I hate that I have to regroup and seemingly start makes me want to get discouraged and think I am never going to beat this thing...but I refuse to think like that...I refuse to allow myself to go there and believe that...Jesus is my Victory...and I know He wants me to win even more than I want me to therefore I just have to keep my eyes and ears open...keep seeking deeper and deeper to find the answers and the strength I need to win...I am STAYING on the front lines...I will not run for cover...I will STAND and FIGHT...Jesus is my Refuge and I have no need to run and hide...Jesus I need you today and everyday...thank you for walking beside me and being my Soulmate, my Victory, my Refuge, my EVERYTHING...I need you and I want to fight this battle WITH YOU...I do not want to go it alone...I know that leads nowhere...I need to hear you and listen to you and obey me Holy my Helper always...Father I love you with all my depths cry out with love for you...I know you have given me that love and I am thankful...thank you for making me strong and determined...thank you for making me who I me to see myself as you see me and not as my eyes would see me to look beyond what is seen to the unseen and hold tight till I can see it...You are my Source of LIFE...I need you to come to my Rescue...You are ever Faithful...and I hope to be more like you every me to keep fighting! In Jesus name I pray...amen. At the front lines I stand. Pray!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

My battle cry - The sword of the Lord and ME!!!

Things are going good with me. I am winning battles and tearing down walls in my heart I did not even really know were there. It’s amazing how much your past can imprison you. But Jesus is my Victory and we are winning. I know this year will be life changing for me if I win the battles set before me. And I am fighting will all my might!! I know a lot of this has to be done before I can take the next step in my life; which is hopefully marriage!!? But we’ll see if that’s the next step or not! I know eventually that will happen but I don’t want it before the right time that is for sure!! Mom and Glenn are responding to me so much better than ever before. I am so thankful!! They are loving me in the small ways that they can and it’s nice that they are even trying. Mom actually seems to care about me again. I feel like I have been a good example to them and that they are learning from me and how I am loving them. And that makes me feel like I am actually doing something for the kingdom and for them. Because for so long I have just felt like I haven’t done anything or been any good for them or shown them God very much. But I feel a bit differently now. I am thankful. And honestly its nice to actually have Mom tell me she loves me without me forcing her to; and to have her ask about me once in a while. It’s been so foreign for so long. So anyway the more I learn to receive the love God has for me the better I am and the more I can love them and my future family. That is the battle I am in now. Learning to open up and fully receive love from God and those He has placed in my life as living examples. It’s super hard but I am fighting for it!! So pray for me. This is possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to face. Even harder than dealing with the sexual abuse from my past, shockingly enough! So my battle cry is - The sword of the Lord and Me!! Together we will win!! Jehovah Nissi - Lord you reign in Victory!! Thank you Jesus!!

Friday, June 02, 2006

My own battle song!

This blog is broken in two was started weeks ago and finished today

You ever feel like you should have your own battle song you fight so much...seems like all my life I have been fighting...can't decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing...depends on which day you ask me...well I know this God created me with incredible determination...and I know HE is the only reason I have made it through...this world creates unsafety, guilt, abuse, worthlessness, shame, hatred, and I have fought it all...I have fought it since I was a child...some days I get tired...more tired that I can express...some days I get determined and fired up for battle...some days I get numb...some days I get happy...some days I experience it I am learning and teaching is I am worth it...who...ME...who...YOU...the battles we fight are because WE are worth it...some days I do not feel worth it...but that's when I hold on to what Pastor Tim told me not too long ago..."Don't let your feelings dictate what you know"...what do I know?:
God made me with a plan and purpose
I am His daughter
God loves me unconditionally
God's WORD is just as important as the relationship with Him - it's one of the things that holds the relationship together.

Second part

I feel really good lately about the battle. I feel like we are winning. We who? You ask. Jesus and me. He is the ONLY way for me to get through this. But I feel good. It isnt always easy, but I believe I am making some headway. I want nothing more than to be victorious. For myself but especially for those involved. My present family and my future family. This is my year of Victory I am believing that with all my heart. Maybe next year will hold something different for me. But I dont want to skip ahead to that yet. I mean I do but not before I have the victory I need in my life.
You know I am truly blessed. I really am. I am thankful for what God has done, and what He is doing and what He has given and continues to give. I am thankful, grateful, and content! That is a GREAT place to be! I am thankful to be back here!!
Well this second half has to be short as I have many many things to do here at work!!
Fighting On!

Monday, May 08, 2006

Matthew 5:10-12“You’re blessed when your commitment to God’s kingdom provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom. Not only that – count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens – give a cheer even! – for though they don’t like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.”

Wow - I sat down to read my bible last night and this is the first thing I read.


Ok gonna get a little random here but it helps and I like it:

1) My jaw hurts today - I have no idea why - weird
2) I cant wait for all this with Camille to be over and better
3) I only thought I was caught up - HA
4) I cant wait for this weekend - I so need some fun in the sun
5) I love my portable DVD player - especially when I'm taking a bath
6) I love my new HUGE purse
7) My car is still dirty
8) Another good person is leaving Summer Classics
9) Work is about to get more stressed if that is possible
10) I forgot to wear my jewelry today
11) I want to practice writing
12) I want a spelling or English elementary workbook that would be sooo fun
13) I cant wait to meet about Children's Church Direction - I'm bursting here
14) I hope my invoices come in, in the morning
15) I have not eaten well today

That's all folks!!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

This will be a short post I think...time is an issue at this point at has been crazy busy...I think I am enjoying it though...I usually like to know exactly what I am going to be doing everyday...but in this new postition I will not neccesarily know that...anyway God has been moving and shaking me...there is so much to be done and so many battles to fight...I still want more than anything to live and love this point its a wistful dream...I do not like myself, not my personality, not my character, not my attitude, not much at all that I like these days...its all my fault I seem to be in this never ending cycle that I create myself...stupid huh...well stupid is how the enemy works I guess...there's more confusion and disgust in his plan that's for sure...I am disgusted with his plan and that I have continually allowed him to work...but its like I have no idea how to do things differently...I want so badly just to be what GOD created me to be...but this world I have lived in for all these years has me pretty warped and it is taking much longer than I'd like to straighten things out...soon soon soon...I hope God's soon comes quickly...there is much work to be done...much all areas, in all directions, in all places...just label me A WORK IN PROCESS...and I have to find a way to be okay being that for now...not that I'll ever not be that...but hopefully one day it will not be as bad as it is now...and let me tell you it is bad...I am bad...horrible...I make things, lives, and relationships - HORRIBLE...and that is not what I want to be or do...I feel as though right now I am just living in agony because I am stuck in this place that I DO NO want to be in...and though I try with EVERYTHING in me to get out, to do better, to change, I havent gained much ground it seems...I have gained some ground but not enough, not alot...all I know for sure is God is good, I have no doubts about that, and I am completely sold out to HIM and want nothing more than to be in HIS service and in HIS will...I want to be with Him all the time to be doing things to further His kingdom and to just be doing the work HE has called me to...I want to be what HE created me to be in every area of my life...I want to love HIM all the days of my life and serve HIM forever...I want to be successful at growing and changing and becoming who HE wants me to be...and I do not think that I am who HE wants me to be yet...I do not think I am even close...and that is very disheartening...VERY...well I have taken enough time to bellache...but I guess it helps to get things off my chest...anyway heading back to work...busy fact I havent left my desk since 11:00 today...

Monday, April 17, 2006

Ok so it has been a really long time since I feels good to be back here...not that I really have time but I am just doing it anyway...I feel like there is so much to catch up on...just in myself in writing it all always makes me feel better to write...and I havent written in a while!! My world is moving and shaking...lots happening in my personal life and lots happening at work...things are changing...and you know I am really ready for things to change...I am really ready for things to be move to a different level at both places...God is asking much from me...but to whom much is given much is expected...and I am expected to trust HIM...not me...and you for my whole life the only person I could trust was I have trusted HIM...but not in this particular area...I have relied soley on me...and guess what I have done...messed it up over and over and over...and guess what that has served to do...make me not trust myself...I dont feel like I can do what I need to do...but I think God is saying just let go and let ME worry about it let ME be responsible for it...that is extremely hard for me...and I still dont think I have it quite down yet...but I am going to try...and I am sure I am going to fail...but I am going to try to not look at myself to not judge just ask God for direction and help...and I know HE can do this in me...HE can do anything...He CAN...I can not...HE's not about me its about HIM...and I have to stand there...although its still not really clear to me where I am it doesnt have to be...and things are not perfect...not at all...but I have always had hope that they will get better...I am ready to be different...I am ready to be changed...I am ready to be VICTORIOUS!! BRING ON THE VICTORY GOD...ok well a little update on yesterday which was Easter Sunday...God gave me an incredible opportunity to be used by was so awesome...I loved it...I was part of a gallery of GRACE...I was a Living Witness...He made me a Living Witness...and He spoke through me and it was so awesome...I really loved it...I love to be used by HIM...and He moved and allowed me to speak His words and pray for HIS was so cool...I am thankful to have had the opportunity and to have allowed HIM to use me and to have been an empty vessel for was incredible!! I loved it!!! Well work has gotten busy so that is all I have time for for now!! God is Good!!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I so just needed a safe place to vent. My feeling were just hurt by someone I wouldnt have expected it from. I was laughed at as I walked into a room. Then put down for being freaked out at the thought of being left at work alone at night. Which I think for a woman is a legitimate thing to be freaked out about. I dont think the person intended to hurt my feelings and probably doesnt even know they did. I want so badly to go tell them. But at the same time I guess I need to just let it go. Although I know if they come up to my office I will be hard pressed not to tell them that I did not appreciate what they did and said. Phewy on them. I think I have been hyper sensitive here at work. I am not handling things like I desire to. I seem to loose it quite easily lately. I get stressed out easily. I want to be calm and collected and trust and shine. I have not succeeded in that lately. I really hate that too!! I guess I am not trying hard enough. Father help me today to not allow things to get to me and make me loose my cool. Help me to stay calm and just know that its not big deal and its alright. Help me to be sweet to the one who has hurt my feelings. Help me not to take on this attitude of it has to be this way or else. That is the wrong attitude to have even if it is about being left alone at work. Search my heart today O God and weed out the ugly and replace it with your good. Help me to have your attitude about things and be led by YOUR Spirit. I want to shine for YOU while I am here and be an example of what peace and love is. I need you today and everyday!! I love you and long to be more like you. Help me fulfill the purpose you have called me to here at Summer Classics. I love you with all my heart! I ask these things in Jesus name. Amen!!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Old maid syndrome...ok this post is not going to be as wonderful as the last one sorry...I so have to do some venting before I explode...let me give a disclaimer first...I am slightly in despair...but its nothing that wont pass...I am having a pity moment...and just need to probably wont be pleasant or really so another person younger than me just got engaged...last year at Becky's wedding she and I were the two cited to get married 'bout she beat me...and I pretty much knew she would...although she is very much more whole in Christ than I am so it is really quite normal for her to find her prince charming and marry first...but it does not help me feel any less of an old maid...this will be the fourth wedding I will attend of someone that is younger than 'bout that makes me want to be angrier at my mom for not creating a stable environment filled with God so that maybe by now I would have been whole and blah am telling you I am screaming on the inside...and how stupid is it that I just walked through the warehouse feeling the most unworthy, ugly, and self conscioncious than I have in a long time...the good thing is, is that I know somewhere deep down this is all completely insane...that someday my prince will come and I will have my moment in the glorious wedding spotlight...but these younger gals marrying off before me really makes me sad, impatient, and so very insecure...and I know because of something that happened the other night I have a very limited amount of people I can really talk to about this...and though that is makes it HARDER...and I know this is all dumb and I need to rise above and stand in faith...some days are harder than others...and its not that I just have to have a guy or just want to get I want the real thing...and I am willing to wait for it...but my patience has worn thin...and I have struggled for a little while now to get back to the place I was in last summer...before I allowed my world to be shaken and my patience to fly out the window...again whos fault is it...MINE...yuck...and guess what I turned to today to give me that is going to make me feel any better about myself...with my already growing waisteline...could I please get a break here...although I do have a great new idea for getting myself out to exercise...I got it from the magazine Todays Christian Woman...books on tape...yes I love to read...and once I get in a good book I dont want to put it if I get them on audio and only allow myself to listen while exercising that would give me great incentive to get out and walk at least...I was inspired by the story I read online in the magazine...I hope it works for me...I plan to shop this weekend for the supplies I'll need to get to find a great book on audio to start with and get a portable cd player...yippe...good thing I just got a bonus check in the sure would help if it were good for me...hee would be greater if it were a weight loss supplement...yipee...on a lighter more happy boss is having twins and she found out today the other baby IS a she will be having a boy and a incredible is that...considering this is her once chance to have children and she really wanted one of each...I'd say God is good...and that should be a testament to me to turn back to trusting him and stop bellyaching...I promise to try my throw out an excuse...this has been a really crazy, mixed up, hard week...again whos fault...mine...but in my defense it has been a mess...and on top of that I am possibly coming down with strep...yipee...though I feel much better today than I did yesterday...oh there is a whole hilarious stinky story...I thought my cats vet apt was today and it turns out its tomorrow...I just say that...he hates the car, the crate, and being in a new environment...and he cant eat before do the math...poor guy...anyway I had better move past my bellyaching to get some invoicing I am the only one here today to do boss had to be kept over night for some tests on her and the babies to chart her progress more closely and get some more information on stuff I really dont have a clue about...pray for her...this is her dream...pray for me and my retartedness...I really need to put my faith back in my Father and stand in peace where I am...please pray...please please pray...anyway I do feel some better...yeah!! And I do know my God is matter how stupid I am...HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER!! I am thankful!! Lata Gatas!!

Friday, March 03, 2006

I love Jesus yes I do I love Jesus how 'bout you?!?!?!?

Man this is my year of Victory but someone forgot to make it easy...what's up with that...I am fighting a battle...probably the toughest one yet...major major healing...but I am excited because I know once I beat this I will be stronger, better, more whole than EVER before...its incredible and incredibly I think I just figured out what I am going to talk about at the TOG meeting tonight...yipee...anyway God is moving...He is working...He is doing so much and pulling out so much hurt and damage from my heart...DID I SAY IT HURTS it ever...let me say that one more again...IT HURTS...but did I also say...I AM EXCITED!!!! I AM EXCITED...I really really am...I already feel lighter than before and its only just begun...I cant really give away details because I dont have the words...its just a major healing from my past the things I went through as a child...and let me tell you if you think that the things you went through as a child dont affect you that they are just in the past...whoa...I'll be are cant just walk away unscathed from that can run and try to hide from it...but its there whether you are willing to accept it or not...and I promise if you face it though it is hard and it will feel so incredible afterward...IT IS WORTH IT...SO WORTH IT...anyway that stuff will always affect you until you face it head on and give it to God peice by piece...that is what I have learned...I AM ask me tomorrow if I am excited and I may tell you a different story...but today I am good...I am ready...I am excited...I am armored up...well anyway I must go because its FRIDAY and I really want to get out of here on time!!! Pray for me, for strength, for wisdom, for courage, for openness, for trust in God, for determination and run this race to the finish...GAME ON!! I LOVE JESUS!!!

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Ok I know Valentine's Day is done and gone...and lots of people want to just forget about it...but not did I have some wonderful guy shower me with love and gifts...YES...but not in the way you think!!!! I spent my Valentine's evening with the love of my life ~ Jesus Christ my Savior!! We had prayer at the church and I was there on my face before God...praising Him and crying out to Him...why is that so awesome you say???...Well first of all because God is awesome and that's enough...but secondly because I was excited about spending my Valentine's Day with God...finally I have gotten completely past the need to have a guy in my life...and God keeps showing me how good it is to be where I am...and it took me a really long time to get here...a couple years ago I would have been busted over not having a date on Valentine's not a date but a relationship...but now I can say with complete certaintity that I do not need that to be happy or complete or okay with myself...that is a hard place to get for a girl like me...and let me tell you that road wasnt easy...but...IT WAS WORTH IT...and I would not trade it for anything in the world...the next Valentine's day I spend with a guy I want it to be in God's timing and I want him to be my husband to be or my husband already...and I am completely secure that that will take place one day when the timing is right and both myself and my future husband are ready to take that know what...God is good...let me say it this way...God is enough...I need nothing or noone else...and He has shown me that in a real way lately...I want people in my life...but I do not HAVE TO HAVE people in my life...and I think I will always have people in my life...but the point that God is sufficient to cover all my needs and wants...I need to worry about nothing else...nothing else at all...and I am sooooo very very relieved about that!! Well anyway...I also had wonderful surprises from the people in my life on Valentine's Day...some people at work gave me stuff and my brothers gave me a charm and huge card and Neesie gave me this leather magazine tub I have been wanting for FOREVER and a coloring book I cant wait to color in and my favorite gum and a sweet card and my Dad gave me my favorite flowers...Carnations...and a sweet was nice...I am thankful for all the things I recieved physically and spiritually this Valentine's Day!! God is good...all the time...all the time...God is good!!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

It's me again...I know I could be getting good at this whole blog thing again huh...ha...last night's service was so incredible...I was so struggling...I am not exactly sure why...but I think I have it figured out...anyway...there was an altar call given in the middle of praise and worship...let me just say real quick I love how our church totally lets the Spirit lead and it's just fine to give an altar call in the middle of something if the Spirit moves...anyway so there was an altar call given for those who have parents who dont know the Lord...and let me tell you I am in youth on Wednesday nights...and I am I was not really keen on going on up to the altar in a youth me proud or vain or whatever...but God toally catered to that want...I stood at my seat and just said God please see me standing here...I dont want to go up there but see me anyway...and up until that altar call I was just numb I wasnt feeling a thing...well at this point I am standing there crying and crying out to God to please see me...and He did...the next thing I know one of my friends was there praying for me and speaking into my life...that is the first time in a really really long time God used her to minister to me...and it was awesome...God spoke several things I needed to hear but didnt know I needed to was was great...I so needed that...and I wanted to continue to weep the whole rest of the service...and at the end of serice during that altar call and worship time one of the girls in the youth came up and hugged was so wonderful words can not even express that she would come over to the other side of the room to reach out to me like that...and not forgetting another friend of mine that was standing right beside me all service that loved on me after I got prayed for in the beginning...this is a friend I have just started to embrace...she is definately a lover...and I think I actually like that about her...which is incredibly odd for me becuase I am not a toucher really...but she is alot like me and we like alot of the same things...well we are both very girly...I have such a girly side that I dont let out much...and alot of the times there is not someone there that is girly like me to share it it will be nice to have that...I am looking forward to slowly seeing where this friendship will go...I am learning to not jump into friendships head first...becaue I hurt others that way and I get hurt as is different taking things slow and getting to know someone like that...and its not even really in the physical realm but in my mind and heart that I have slowed things is different...and I will admit that I am apprehensive...but we'll see where it goes...I do not know...and I do not want to plan I always do...anyway...I am just ever so thankful for the way God works...the way He knows me so much better than I know myself...and He knows exactly what I need before I ever even suspect...I am in awe...and last night too...I got to talk to my brother...and he was more open with me than he has been in a very long time...I just pray that I will know the correct place to stand with him...and the best way to love him and be an example to him and guide him...I am so thankful for my brothers...I have found a new awareness of the ways they bless my life lately...I have never had brother like this...that care about me and want to actually have a real relationship with is very different but very wonderful too...I am loving it...God has given me back so much that I never got growing up...and you know I have only been a Daughter of the King for about 4 years...and He has done so much...I have fought really hard the battles He has placed before me and I am so glad I have been so willing to fight so hard...I hope I stay willing...anyway I realized again the other day how much he has given me through my second mom...alot of what I am able to give back to others I first got from her...she is the only one in my life that loves unconditionally...and I am so thankful...I have no idea how I could ever survive or live without her...she is amazing...and I do not give her the credit that I should...I do not give her the appreciation that I fact most of the time my actions do not match my words at all...its like a trap I am in...and I know God is trying desperately to change that in me...if only I could grab a hold and get it...I hope that is one thing that will be done this year...and oh how I love music...mmmmm...okay well I must go and get this work day done...there is so much to do...until next time...God is AWESOME and He is all I will EVER need!! I love you my Father...I am so thankful for all that you do...I am sorry I do not show you more appreciation and love...I love you!!!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Well last night was do I love prayer...but I was definately struggling some last night to just get lost in His presence...I hate when I struggle there...I was definately feeling bad about the amount of time I have spent reading my bible and spending time with God...I have not done that much lately at's the funny thing...I know how awesome it is do be in the Word and spend time in God's presence...why on earth do I not make time for it...uuggghhh...there is just simply no excuse for it at all...I need to be doing it EVERY DAY...and there was a time not too long ago when I was doing it every day...but I have not been doing it ever day...maybe a couple days a week...yuck...what is up with that...I know what I am missing...I know that I could have so much more peace, confidence, joy, so much more good stuff...I have got to make that a priority...just sit down and make the time to get lost in the Word and His presence...and all else will fall into I love my God so much...but I sure do a poor job showing Him on a daily basis...I am ashamed of how I have neglected Him...ok so today I am resolving to do better starting today...I will find time to read my bible and sit and visit with my Father today...ok so I havent been posting here's been busy and I havent had alot to say...that is weird for me...maybe I havent taken the time to just write...anyway...we now have a place at the river...which is so is so beautiful there...and peaceful...we were there this past weekend for a women's meeting...and that was fun...I can not wait for it to get warm so we can hang there more and really enjoy it...I hope it will be safe to swim around the pier...that will be so fun...cause we have cool floats and stuff...dude I am going to be dark this summer...hee hee...I can not wait...anyway that will be super fun...well my computer is acting crazy so I had better go...lata gatas!! God is good all the time, all the time God is good!!!

Friday, February 03, 2006

TGIF...yes as usual I am so glad it is Friday...and this weekend is BGMC weekend and I have found so much information on the country we are learning about and I am excited...I am thankful too for that excitement... and I really want BGMC this year to be light and fun and wonderful and not stressful and something I fret about...Father I need you in that...I have given this to you...BGMC is nothing without you...oh I am so excited...ideas just keep coming lets see the coolest most wonderful thing that has happened lately is the changes in my relationship to my brother Jared and my brother Daniel...Jared and I have made it to a whole new level of acceptance in our relationship and I never thought it would be like this...I am excited...and I cant wait to see it grow...please Father dont let either of us takes steps backwards...and Daniel and I have come back around...not full circle by any means...but things are better between us than they have been in a little for that I am thankful...and I am so blessed to have brothers like them...I have never had brothers like them mind you I love my older them so much...but we do not really have a relationship...we barely even know each other...and that is terribly sad to me...and I hope and pray that one day that will change too...well that is really all I have time for right now I need to get back to is Friday and the sooner quiting time gets here the better!!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

I need a little moment to vent some of this fire in my belly…wow…God I don’t want to walk in sin with this…I know it would be easy to judge there…Father I need you to help me put this into perspective…its not a new battle…its not something I have come up with brand new…its an existing fight…not one that no one has ever noticed or tried to win…me and my narrow minded thinking…help me to see that, help me to not go overboard with this…help me to do with it what YOU would have me do with it…help me to have balance and know where my boundaries are…that way I do not hurt others…balance…control...not the bad kind…lol…Father I feel like there is much to learn here…help me see and be open and listen to You and obey you…right now this is consuming me…I am burning for it…I am passionate about it…and I don’t wan to loose that passion…but I want to be able to have a clear mind and put it into perspective…there are so many places I need balance…but I’m not going there today either…one day at a time…today Father help me to hear YOUR voice and know YOUR will and know YOUR way…help me to see and understand the things that YOU would have me see and understand in this…Father I need you and I need to be in prayer to you everyday…seeking guidance and wisdom for myself and others…help me to find the permanent discipline I need to stay in your WORD and to daily converse with You and be in constant communion with You…Father there are many desires…help me today to calm down and begin to find balance and perspective…I need you…In Jesus name I ask these things! Amen!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Good Morning...well this new year has started off kind of rough but there are hard things going on but I am standing stronger than ever is quite interesting...I am not attacking people that are hurting me...I am actually loving them in spite of the things they do to is hard...cause I want to be ugly to them...but at the same time the part of me that does not want to be ugly to them is that is wonderful...that means the God in me is stronger than the flesh in that area right now...I am so very thankful to God for all that He gives...for all that He does...for all that He has made me...and for all that He is going to do in me this year...I know already this year is not going to be an easy year...but I want to do the things I need to do to draw closer to HIM...its all about HIM...noone else but HIM!!! My heart cries out to HIM, my heart yearns for this point HE is all I am after...but there are still things that I desire as well...I just want HIM least today that is where I if I could just be more consistent in everthing I do and think and feel...that would be great...I know that I am more at peace when I am in HIS presence either seeking His face or His Spirit pouring through me to minister to someone else...I love to minister to others...and I am glad that I am finally to a point where I feel comfortable ministering to anyone...and I want to minister to anyone...and I am glad that He knows me better than I know myself...I am so thankful that He has all those things worked out and that He knows where I am going next and where He is taking if I can just sit back and enjoy the ride it would be many goals...He will help me mee them all if they are right for me only desire the one that sums them all up would be to be better, to become more Christlike, that sums up all my goals in one...they all equal that is in prayer for me...I need strength, wisdom, and determination...I need to be willing to let go...and I am very reluctant to do that...always have been...and pray that I will be patient with myself and with patientce runs out quickly these days...which is quite in all this I know that God's love is a healing balm...last night was prayer and I just cried out to HIM...I have cried alot lately more than I ever have in my life I think...almost daily...but last night I cried to Him...I cried so that He could have my tears...and it helped...His love flowed through me like a warm healing balm and I feel so much better today...even still facing the same circumstances as the days before...He has been my Helper, my Healer, my Friend, my Father, my EVERYTHING...and I am thankful...I am thankful for His sacrifice so that today I can feel His love and presence and strength...I am thankful that though I am not worthy He gives me everything I need freely anyway...I am thankful that I have chosen Him and He has chosen me...well that is all for now...I urge you that if you do not know Jesus you get to know Him soon...He will change your whole life and bring joy beyond any words...if you are looking for love and acceptance Jesus is the way...if you are looking for peace and guidance Jesus is the way...if you are looking for life and truth Jesus is the way...THE ONLY WAY...and His gift is only takes you asking and believeing...I love you my with me today in all that I will me to be the light in the darkness...In Jesus name I ask...Amen!

Friday, January 20, 2006

Good how bout this really has been a great really in all circumstances but in God...though I am still not even close to being where I should be with incredible is it that He has blessed me anyway...He is just so good to me...and I NEVER deserve that...ooohhh Wednesday night in youth service(yes I really am too old to be in youth service but hey I dont care where I hear the word I just want to hear it)so anyway in youth Boo was preaching out of the "love chapter" I love that chapter...anyway he said try replacing the word love with God...and this is how it goes...
1 Corinthians 13
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not God, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbol. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all myseteris and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not God, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not God, I gain nothing. God is patient, God is kind. He does not envy, He does not boast, He is not proud. He is not rude, He is not selfseeking, He is not easily angered, He keeps no record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. He always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails. But where there are prophesies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And know these three remain faith, hope and God. But the greatest of these is God."

Whoa...I thought that was awesome...God is awesome...He never fails...that's the bottom line!!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

No words to describe

Today at work we got some incredible bosses are having twins...after more than 5 years and I can't imagine how many heartaches and heartbreaks later...twins...they are going to have I ask right off that as you read this you would immediately pray...please that these babies would make it and be healthy...she is just far enough along to be mildly comfortable sharing the know I am not a mother so I can not even begin to imagine the pain she has gone through...the pain they have both gone through...I didnt know that they were trying as hard as they have been or that they have had so much pain and things happen...I am just praising God for this blessing...if anyone who is in my Sunday school class reads this...remind me to share it as a God moment...because it truly truly is...she is going to be a mother...the look in her eyes said it all...she could hardly stand in the room with us becuase she wanted to cry so bad...and she doesnt cry in front of others at all...her eyes said it all...all that I didnt even know...I had no idea until today the pain that was there...I can not believe I didnt know it...didnt see it...I can not belive I haven't been praying...well I'm praying now...I guess I need to get off the other and just know it is so hard for us to look and see what God see's...that is one of my prayers for this year...I want to look at others and immediately see what God sees...not what Tabbie would see...because guess what...what Tabbie would see isnt always know and you never know what someone has been dont know why someone reacts or responds they way they do...God sees the heart...God sees the hurt inside, the needs, the wants, the desires, and even the reasons for their walls...and you know I'd be willing to be that ever single person we come across that we dont like for whatever reason...just has walls put up to protect themselves...and we may never ever know why...why cant we be willing to love them know without having to see or be given anything that they are just like us...they are human, they make mistakes, they put wall up to protect themselves, they put up defenses to feel safe...why cant I be willing to look past that...why cant I be willing to ignore that...why cant I be willing to accept people as they are and simply love...why cant I love without having to have something in return...without having to have someone respond to me in a certain way...without having to have them give back to me in some we always or ever give back to Jesus for the love He gives us...I was humbled last night...God spoke to me...why would the God of this universe speak to me...why...I am not worthy of that...I am not worthy of His love...I guess it's a good thing we dont have to be...He simply loves us...He simply sees past all the defenses and walls we put up...this year I want to see people like He sees them...this year I want to love freely without having to have anything in thats gonna be hard considering I am one of the most selfish people on the planet...uuuggghhh...who do I always think of first...myself...uuuggghhh...boy when you get right down to the heart of me I am down right ugly...Father change me...change me this year...I seek to be be more like look and see more like think more like me Father...continue to speak to me...Father I ask you specifically...will you make me selfless...will you purify my heart and my mind...I ask in Jesus name...Thank you Father...thank you Jesus for loving though we are unworhty to be loved...thank you Father for speaking though we are unworthy of hearing your voice...thank you Father for all you are...I know I am only seeing a glimpse of who you are...for if I were to see the whole it would be too much for me and I would surely die right there...but I look forward to seeing and knowing the whole You when I come home to Heaven...I love you Father...I love you as much as my selfish human self can love you...Help me love you Jesus name I ask and pray...AMEN!!

Monday, January 09, 2006

Well...I am sort of in a quiet mood today...just too exhausted to even talk mind is only functioning when it has to which is alot today at work...isnt it funny how quickly we slip in and out of know there has been so much going on in me much work to be much that needs to take many walls I need to tear hard it is sometimes...but never once have I thought it wasnt worth it...several times I have thought of giving up...but not becuase I thought it wasnt worth it...just because I wanted to be lazy and not fight...stupid flesh...stupid sin...stupid stupid EVE...ha ha...but such is life ya know...and we can either choose to fight or choose to quit...if we choose to quit then that's it...there's nothing more...not greener grass on the other side...its too sad to think of quitting...I dont want status quo...I want more...besides I am convinced that it takes alot more energy to run from God than to allow Him to work in your really quitting isnt going to give you the rest you think it is...lets talk about do I struggle there...soooo much...I dont think I have a single relationship that doesnt take lots of work and time and effort...why...well becuase it is pretty hard to keep a relationship if you dont put time and effort and work into it...and really could you imagine your life without relationships...I like having friends and family to talk to and share things I think relationships are hard yes...but just as worth is as the fight to be more Christ like...after all isnt that fight a relationship too...its a relationship with yes relationships are hard and take lots of work...but I have decided that they too are worth it...I still have so much to improve much...I need to be more consistent...need to be more thoughtful...need to learn when to shut up...need to learn to be more selfless...need to take chances more...need to have more grace...need to let go more...FOR SURE...ha...yeah...God is probably the only one who gets that with me...we all need to learn how to include others more...which in all essence should be common sense and common courtesy and just plain polite...but let me tell I didnt know alot of this didnt come natural to me...but I want to learn and that has made all the difference...I learned that clicks suck and they hurt people...I have learned that you can easily include someone simply by opening up a circle of people with your body and not turning your back to someone...I have learned not to talk about doing something that is an exclusive activity in front of someone that cant do the activity or hasnt been invited to do the activity...I have learned that it is okay to do somethings exclusively but you just dont discuss it hurts people...I have both hurt others and been hurt by this...I have learned that you have to focus on the person you are talking to and listen to what they are saying...duh I know...but this is especially hard for me being choleric and selfish...I have learned that consistency is probably one of the most important things involved in trusting someone and gaining someones trust...I have learned honesty is always the best policy...I have learned that always answering the phone if you can or always returning a voicemail is highly important...even if you cant talk simply lets somone know that you care enough to acknowledge their taking the time to call and their caring enought to do so...its the least you can do...and probably the hardest thing I am learning is that feelings are not everything...sometimes how you feel means didly squat and you have to rise above and follow through anyway...and have a good attitude while you are following through...oh yes that is a hard one...all these are things I am learning and trying to put into practice...gah...its hard...and I dont do as well with any of them as I would like...I need lots more training and help in this area...but my prayer is that one day it will be natural to me and just come easily to include and love others in this way...I think it is already easier today that it was when I first started learning and trying...willingness to try is the key...willingness to see and to learn and to try and the want to include others is is my prayer for this is one of my goals for this year...I am going to try my very best to not leave anyone out and to try in everyway to make sure others are included in activities and such...for I know the hurt and the pain of being left out and forgotten and cast aside...well I guess that is all for now I need to get back to work...I'll leave you with a verse...Matthew 7:12 "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you..."Father with your help I know I can accomplish these things...I love you and want to draw closer to you this year!!!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006


1. God is for me!
2. God is for me!
3. God is for me!
4. God is for me!
5. God is for me!
Romans 8

6. Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this, the he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

7. Romans 5:3-5 "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us -- they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."