Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Old maid syndrome...ok this post is not going to be as wonderful as the last one sorry...I so have to do some venting before I explode...let me give a disclaimer first...I am slightly in despair...but its nothing that wont pass...I am having a pity moment...and just need to vent...it probably wont be pleasant or really true...lol...ok so another person younger than me just got engaged...last year at Becky's wedding she and I were the two cited to get married next...how 'bout she beat me...and I pretty much knew she would...although she is very much more whole in Christ than I am so it is really quite normal for her to find her prince charming and marry first...but it does not help me feel any less of an old maid...this will be the fourth wedding I will attend of someone that is younger than me...how 'bout that makes me want to be angrier at my mom for not creating a stable environment filled with God so that maybe by now I would have been whole and married...lol...blah blah blah...lol...I am telling you I am screaming on the inside...and how stupid is it that I just walked through the warehouse feeling the most unworthy, ugly, and self conscioncious than I have in a long time...the good thing is, is that I know somewhere deep down this is all completely insane...that someday my prince will come and I will have my moment in the glorious wedding spotlight...but these younger gals marrying off before me really makes me sad, impatient, and so very insecure...and I know because of something that happened the other night I have a very limited amount of people I can really talk to about this...and though that is okay...it makes it HARDER...and I know this is all dumb and I need to rise above and stand in faith...some days are harder than others...and its not that I just have to have a guy or just want to get married...no I want the real thing...and I am willing to wait for it...but my patience has worn thin...and I have struggled for a little while now to get back to the place I was in last summer...before I allowed my world to be shaken and my patience to fly out the window...again whos fault is it...MINE...yuck...and guess what I turned to today to give me comfort...chocolate...like that is going to make me feel any better about myself...with my already growing waisteline...could I please get a break here...although I do have a great new idea for getting myself out to exercise...I got it from the magazine Todays Christian Woman...books on tape...yes I love to read...and once I get in a good book I dont want to put it down...so if I get them on audio and only allow myself to listen while exercising that would give me great incentive to get out and walk at least...I was inspired by the story I read online in the magazine...I hope it works for me...I plan to shop this weekend for the supplies I'll need to get started...got to find a great book on audio to start with and get a portable cd player...yippe...good thing I just got a bonus check in the bank...blah...chocolate...it sure would help if it were good for me...hee hee...it would be greater if it were a weight loss supplement...yipee...on a lighter more happy note...my boss is having twins and she found out today the other baby IS a girl...so she will be having a boy and a girl...how incredible is that...considering this is her once chance to have children and she really wanted one of each...I'd say God is good...and that should be a testament to me to turn back to trusting him and stop bellyaching...I promise to try my hardest...to throw out an excuse...this has been a really crazy, mixed up, hard week...again whos fault...mine...but in my defense it has been a mess...and on top of that I am possibly coming down with strep...yipee...though I feel much better today than I did yesterday...oh today...now there is a whole hilarious stinky story...I thought my cats vet apt was today and it turns out its tomorrow...I just say that...he hates the car, the crate, and being in a new environment...and he cant eat before surgery...you do the math...poor guy...anyway I had better move past my bellyaching to get some invoicing done...as I am the only one here today to do it...my boss had to be kept over night for some tests on her and the babies to chart her progress more closely and get some more information on stuff I really dont have a clue about...pray for her...this is her dream...pray for me and my retartedness...I really need to put my faith back in my Father and stand in peace where I am...please pray...please please pray...anyway I do feel some better...yeah!! And I do know my God is good...no matter how stupid I am...HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER!! I am thankful!! Lata Gatas!!

1 comment:

neesie said...

I don't think that being angry at not having a good home environment is wrong. You are allowed the anger. You just can't stay there. I know it is frustrating whatching all these younger people get married but you are worth the wait. You could have most anyone of your choosing but you are waiting on God. Your prince will be worth the wait but even more than that you will be everything God wants you to be upon entering a marriage. I am proud of you hang in there and don't settle for less than God's will.
Love you