GRANDAD

I did what I knew I needed to do... Current mood: accomplished
my grandad was sick and i allowed stupid doubts to keep me from leaving with my family to go and see him in south carolina...friday night i got to talk to him on the phone...he said...you're the only thing that is missing, i wish you were here, i love you...within an hour i was on my way to south carolina...it was 11:00pm...i drove to south carolina by myself in the middle of the night because i realize that i was loved...love drives...i have never driven that far by myself before...mind you i did not stop...i drove for 4 1/2 hours straight without out stopping...i had a good friend talk to me for a little while and i was so thankful for that...so thankful...it was the middle of the night...i knew i needed to see my grandad and that my grandad needed to see me...i am here in south carolina at the hotel with my family that God gave me...where i belong...i am so blessed to have been given two families...they are both wonderful...this one was given to me by God...and i belong here with them...and i got to see my grandad this morning...and will get to see him again soon...he got to see me and know that i love him too...it a wondrous thing to know that you are loved...a wondrous thing...this trip has been really good...i am with my neesie, my brothers and my dad, and ashley...we are having a great time...and we got to be with grandad...i did what i knew i needed to do...be with my family...and i feel so accomplished for driving all this way by myself for the first time ever...i did not let distance or doubt or fear stand in my way...and i am thankful that i didnt...i love my family...i love my grandad...i love my brothers...i love that i am here with them...i am proud to be adopted!!!

Along the journey...

Yep that's where I am...somewhere along this grand journey...
I have to remind myself God never said this was going to be easy...
But this journey I am on is what I was created for...
Choosing good, choosing right, choosing GOD...
He had a plan for me even while I was in my mother's womb...
I want HIS plan for me...He knows better than I what is best for me...
He knows the plan for me much better than I do...He sees the bigger picture...
Sometimes I wish I could see it too...but I would understand it still...
And I wouldn't learn as much as I do just trusting him in blindness...
I need childlike faith...like how a child just follows along behind their mom...
No questions asked just goes...not needing to know why or when or what...
Just that they are loved, held, and in their presence...
That's what I need to do...just follow along, simply knowing...
That I am loved, held, and completely content to be in HIS presence...
Because HE is ALWAYS with me...He is always leading, if only I will follow...
It's not always easy when you cant see the path before you...
It's lighted as I go...moment by moment, piece by piece...I cant see the miles ahead...
I simply need trust and joy as my fuel to keep going...
I need to see HIM alone and hear HIS voice alone...
I am confident in HIS promises...I am just not so good at the waiting...
But I am going to be good at it again...YES I AM
So here I am along the journey...
learning.
growing.
waiting.
following.
trusting.
God give me strength
God give me faith
God give me paitience
God give me joy
God give me contentment
Thank You
Father
Abba Father
My Joy
My Strength
My All in All

A mess

I am about to do something that is so very very hard
sometimes obediance is the hardest thing
and when you'll miss someone so much
when everything is going to change
I want to be done
I want to let go
I want to be OBEDIANT
I am at moments doubting I can do this
but I can
cause God is asking me to
and when he asks he doesnt let down
He wont leave me
He wont forsake me
He will be here
and when its all over and I have been obediant
it will be good
it will be better
its hard
im scared
it hurts
i am missing it already
this is so hard
i want to move on
i want what GOD has for me
i want to be obediant
i want to do whats right
i also want to just run
lol
but i wont
i need to hear from you clearly God
help
please let me feel you here with me
please give me strength i can feel
peace i can feel
knowing i can feel
speak to me and let me hear
clearly
i need to hear you clearly
i need you
please be close
please give me words
your words
please give me stregth
control
peace
hope
help me to be done
done
done
done
i need to let go
i need you
only you can get me through this
touch me
speak to me
annoint me
let me walk in YOUR spirit
cover me
please
Jesus
Jesus
Jesus
I need you!
in Jesus name
amen

Let's talk about ABBA FATHER!

So not to my surprise really God is amazing! The past few weeks He has just been doing a really awesome work in me!!!
There was "a bit of silliness" in my life that I have been struggling with for quite sometime and He began showing me things I didnt like and things that didnt fit about that bit of silliness. Just stirring things up in me very subtly. Then He spoke some direct things to me on a Wednesday night. Then He ordained a complete seperation from the bit of silliness. It could only be my Father that did this all. No other way it could have all happened like that. He has now brought me to the place where I am DONE with the bit of silliness and REFOCUSED on HIM!!
In fact this is what He spoke to me:
I am
I can
&
I will
~God
Also Matthew 7:14
" But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."
Refocus and STAY FOCUSED!
I am now very excited about my summer. My plans are to focus in on God and take advantage of every opportunity HE brings my way!! I can not wait.
And it all gets started this weekend we head off to CAMP!!!!
I can not wait!!
Abba Father, Thank you for your gentleness and your wisdom and for showing me the things you have shown me and for telling me the things you have told me and for working in me this awesome work you are doing. Thank you for helping me see this bit of silliness once and for all! Continue your work in me and keep me strong and Focused on YOU!!
Thank you Father!! Forgive me for getting caught up in the bit of silliness!! I love you!!

Where...How...

So lately I have been wondering...
Where has Tabbie gone?
The Tabbie that is so sure and calm and in tune with God...
The Tabbie that is patient and caring and deep...
The Tabbie that works hard on being who God created her to be...
I feel like this past year I have lost me...
I feel like I have lost me...
In the wait, in the heartache, in the question WHY?, in the promises,
In the selfishness, in the desire, in the hope, in the doubt, in the dreams...
How could I have lost what I had, who I was?
I remember sitting around a table telling some ladies how sure I was of me and what I wanted and what I was willing to do...
I was sure, I did know, I felt that deep...
How could that have left...
How could I have let that go...
How could I have gotten so bogged down...
I miss feeling sure, I miss being knowledgable, and wise...
Now I feel like I am just surviving from moment to moment...
Barely existing and making it through...
Makes me angry and disappointed...
That I could let me slip away...
That I could let myself spiral down...
I miss my closness with God, my sureness in me from Him...
Not that I havent been close to Him or been with Him...
It's just so different right now...
I just miss me...
The me that was sure, confident, and on top of things...
I feel very close to the bottom right now...
Not anywhere close to the top...

My prayer is that I will pull through and get back to the top...not that I'll ever be completely on the top...but I want some of me back...

Wedding Song

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to meIt feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

Sometimes you just have to be broken

Sometimes you have to be broken
to see
to hear
to know
Sometimes you just have to be broken
God gives us things in pieces because if He gave us the whole it would kill us
Sometimes even just those pieces He gives feel like they are going to kill us
Oh what a great Father we have, beyond anything we think or think we know
He is simply beyond anything we could fathom
He is God
He is Daddy
He is Protector
He is Giver
He is Taker
He is LOVE
He is LIFE
He is EVERYTHING
I want to be the kingdom, I want to be the touch others need from Him, I want to walk through the fear with my SAVIOR by myside guiding my every step, I want to be obediant, I want to be willing!

What I want for my Birthday

Okay so because my birthday is right around the corner I have been asked what I want...here's very bluntly what I want:

I want to finally meet the one God has for me, finally get to be in love again, finally get to have that one to share your life with, finally get to start that chapter of my life, finally get to date, hold hands, kiss, finally get to have MY WEDDING - trust me I have been to enough and have more than enough ideas, finally get to have that, ring, congrats, parties, gifts, well wishes, excitement, tears, planning advice, dress, reception, song, you know the whole thing!!!

That's what I want! I know one day I will have it, but I truly want that day to be today. Not saying I am going to compromise or do anything rash. Just that really is my desire this year, this birthday. I am ready to move forward. I am ready for a new chapter in my life. I am ready to meet my husband!

Phew...

Funny thing...I am so tired but dont have time to be tired...so exhausted but dont have time to be exhausted...you ever just feel like falling apart all together...but know you dont have time to fall apart all together...I am at work and it is one of those times where I feel like I could fall apart all together...but I cant...which may very well be a GOOD thing...I dont need to fall apart all together...so much seems to be looming before me...so much to be done...so much to wait on...so much I want...so much to get control of...so many emotions...so many disappointments...so many joys...so much...I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a hurricane...I am calm but oh my the storm that surrounds me...Jesus is the reason I am calm...I know that with all of my heart...and wow am I thankful to have HIM...for real!!

40 days...

I will seek
I will listen
I will hear
I will be obediant
I will change
I will be changed
I will GO
I will STOP
I will meditate

Be here, be close my Father! It's ALL about you!
I pray for
Direction
Wisdom
Understanding
Strength
Change

I will bring you CAKE...

There was once a little boy of 2 years old...who LOVED cake, he didnt just love cake like most children he LOVED cake. One day his mother was making a Red Velvet cake for some of her friends and little Cameron looked at his mom and said...mom I want CAKE...his mom explained that the cake was for some friends and he could not have any of the cake...well this displeased little Cameron immensley but for a bit he went on about his business...but soon he was back and told his mom...MOM I want CAAAKKEEE...so she then cut him off a small sliver so that she could cover up the missing part...but this only fuled his fire for cake...so the mom decided lets go out and distract little Cameron...so they went outside and shortly thereafter the phone rang...so mom's on the phone chatting when she hears the door close behind her...she turns around just in time to see little Cameron LOCK THE DOOR...she screams"Cameron dont you touch that cake"...little 2 year old Cameron uses all his little 2 year old might to slide a chair across the room to the counter where the cake sits...he climbs up on the chair and looks back at his mom...who once again screams"Dont you touch that cake"...Cameron takes the lid off the cake plate and is just staring at the cake...there is only inches of air between him and the cake...all the cake he could ever want...Cameron looks back at his mom...who by now is just watching and waiting...Cameron looks once again at the cake then slowly picks up the lid and places it back on the cake...climbs down from his chair...walks straight to the door and lets his mom in...now what do you suppose mom did...she gave that little two year old the BIGGEST piece of CAKE he could ever eat...he had cake from head to toe...
If we will be obediant God will bring us more CAKE than we can imagine...

Sometimes it sure it hard to put the lid back on the cake without touching it at all...God will honor that obediance...beyond anything we can imagine...I am banking on that!!

Thank you for speaking to me Lord through this story...somedays I am sliding my chair up to the cabinet to get the cake...somedays it truly is so hard to put the lid back on that cake and walk away and trust and wait...but I believe in you and I know you belive in me...together we can do this.

I love you Jesus, my savior, my victory.

Standing...

IN THE WORD...
IN THE PLACE I AM CALLED...
IN THE HARD...
IN THE EASY...
IN THE FAIR...
IN THE UNFAIR...
IN TRUTH...
IN HOPE...
IN PATIENCE...

WITH MY SAVIOR...

NO ONE EVER SAID IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE EASY...EVERYTHING TAKE WORK...I HOPE I WILL BE MORE WILLING THIS YEAR THAN EVER BEFORE TO PUT IN THE WORK NEEDED TO GROW AND STAND...THERE ARE ALWAYS THINGS THAT NEED WORK...ALWAYS THINGS TO LEARN AND CHANGE...ITS NOT ALWAYS EASY TO STAND WHERE GOD HAS CALLED ME...BUT I AM COMMITTED TO STAND ANYWAY...SOMETIMES IT HURTS...BUT ITS WORTH IT...THANK YOU JESUS FOR YOUR CALL...IT IS YOURS...HELP ME TO STAND IN OBEDIANCE...I LOVE YOU LORD JESUS.