Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Always my Battle

I remember my God mom teaching me once that I need to “be present”.

I translate that as connecting and engaging with people.

You see I have what I call a “do mode”, this is when I get busy or have a task that consumes me or when I am completely overwhelmed with something (emotions, situations, doubts, fears, insecurities).

When I slip into “do mode” it is very difficult for me to stop and connect with others. I can be right in front of you and be a million miles away. I know we have all experienced this with someone before.

I find that I have slipped back into this place again. I am struggling to simple “be present” in the lives of those around me outside of my Hubby.

My Wednesday night class has gotten “do mode Mrs. Tabbie”, my kids on Sunday morning have been getting “do mode Pastor Tabbie”, my friends have been getting “do mode – checked out friend”, it is a struggle indeed.

Well as my God mom also taught me…the first step is recognizing and I have recognized it and my prayer this afternoon is that I can stop being “do mode Tabbie” and “be present” beginning tonight with my Girl’s Only class.

No more glazed over looks or rushing from here to there or half hearted listening and responses.

I’m so mad at myself for slipping back into this rotten place! It is a selfish rotten place to be and I do not want to be this person.

What I recognize is that this will always be my battle. I will also need to fight here. It is likely that I will forget again and slip back there at some point but my hope is that I will recognize it much much sooner. My hope is that I have not created too much damage in the wake of this stint as selfish unfocused Tabbie.

My heart is broken over this and Father I ask you for forgiveness. I ask you for your help to remind my heart when this begins to happen to stop it before I slip back into that place again.

Thank you Lord Jesus for your eyes to see and for your forgiveness.

Here I come world…ready to engage again and to listen with all my heart and hear and ready to “be present”!

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