I translate that as connecting and engaging with people.
You see I have what I call a “do mode”, this is when I get
busy or have a task that consumes me or when I am completely overwhelmed with
something (emotions, situations, doubts, fears, insecurities).
When I slip into “do mode” it is very difficult for me to
stop and connect with others. I can be right in front of you and be a million
miles away. I know we have all experienced this with someone before.
I find that I have slipped back into this place again. I am
struggling to simple “be present” in the lives of those around me outside of my
Hubby.
My Wednesday night class has gotten “do mode Mrs. Tabbie”,
my kids on Sunday morning have been getting “do mode Pastor Tabbie”, my friends
have been getting “do mode – checked out friend”, it is a struggle indeed.
Well as my God mom also taught me…the first step is
recognizing and I have recognized it and my prayer this afternoon is that I can
stop being “do mode Tabbie” and “be present” beginning tonight with my Girl’s
Only class.
No more glazed over looks or rushing from here to there or
half hearted listening and responses.
I’m so mad at myself for slipping back into this rotten
place! It is a selfish rotten place to be and I do not want to be this person.
What I recognize is that this will always be my battle. I
will also need to fight here. It is likely that I will forget again and slip
back there at some point but my hope is that I will recognize it much much
sooner. My hope is that I have not created too much damage in the wake of this
stint as selfish unfocused Tabbie.
My heart is broken over this and Father I ask you for
forgiveness. I ask you for your help to remind my heart when this begins to
happen to stop it before I slip back into that place again.
Thank you Lord Jesus for your eyes to see and for your
forgiveness.
Here I come world…ready to engage again and to listen with
all my heart and hear and ready to “be present”!
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