Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Philippians 1:6
"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

I wouldnt go as far as to say I am confident in that but I am trying to be...at this point it is the only hope I am standing on...in this battle I am in, I have my good moments...I do not feel like I am winning or gaining any ground yet...but surely I will get better...oh please Father let me get better...complete this work in me soon...this is the hardest thing I ever remember having to do...and I still dont think I am doing it...but at least I am praying about it and seeking and open to doing it somewhat...I am terrified...but I dont know what terrifies me more...doing it or failing trying to do it...aahhh...you know it only takes me a second to switch it off...and then I feel helpless again...once I switch it off I cant seem to unswitch...blah...I told God we'd do it one day at a time...I am lacking in patience though...I am failing everyday...I guess I am just so used to making a choice to do something and then just doing it and its done...this is so not like that at all...but to talk about it one would not understand the dificulty in what I need to do...I dont think there is a single person that understands...and that sort of makes is harder...but God understands I know...and I know He'll give me strength...but there is alot of work I need to do...God help me...the only thing I have been good at lately is crying out to you...but that is it...I know that is a start but eventually you have to move on from the start to keep going...I havent gotten past the start...give me determination and will and strenght and patience and hope...help me to see victories and hold on to them to keep me going...help me to really do this...really really do this...cause I truly do not know how...and I truly can not do it without you...Father I need you so much...I know I keep telling you that...I am holding to that...and to the knowing that you want me to need you because your strength is make perfect then...help me to let go...help me to LET GO...

2 comments:

neesie said...

Love,

You are fighting and winning even in writing this blog. God has equipped you. For He did not call you to this place without equipping you for the battle. When all is said and done you will look back and wonder what took me so long. As silly as that sounds it is a wonderful feeling. I am proud of you!
Know that you are loved!

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