Friday, December 02, 2005

Happy Friday!!
Thank you Jesus that it is finally Friday and I can sleep in tomorrow...I am pooped...there is so much going on in me...so much to change, to see, to learn, but in the middle of a conversation today I realized some really big things...dont you love when that happens you are talking and you say something and its like wow...I just realized that and it came out my mouth before I even knew that I knew it...lol...anyway...I realized God has begun placing in me a desire to step out on my own...like when one leaves home to go AWAY to college...I have never had that opportunity...to leave home and move away from all the places and people that always surround me...but I have begun to think about it...where as before the thought alone terrified me...I have never been secure enough in myself to do anything like that...not even to meet new people or talk to just anyone...for example in school(elementary, middle, high, college) I wasnt confident in anything about me, not in who I was, what I knew, what I wore, the way I looked, anything therefore I stayed in a shell of "security"...I made my own security...but it wasnt the right kind of security...I realized today where that comes from...it was because I never had any security as a child unless I made it...things were always chaos, always changing, always unsafe, always unpeaceful...there was no saftey, security, or peace in my life...I never went to camp, away field trips, I didnt go off to college...the thought of that alone terrified me...I never could just talk to just anybody, or get to know them, or make friends with them...and now I can and now I am feeling drawn to the prospect of...going off to life...I actually want an opportunity to do that to know I can stand on my own away from all the people and places I have always known and been...I think that God has begun this work because my future is near...and I dont exactly know how the opportunity is going to present itself or what the opportunity will be...but I think there will be one...I think it will terrify me at first but I want to do it...I'll have to fight and push through some insecurities and some fears...but I want to...and I think it will be amazing and challenging and wonderful...it's exciting to think that maybe this desire is one step closer to my future...it makes my heart race and my chest tighten...but it is also exhilariting to entertain the thought...wow...anyway...there is just so much going on in me...struggles, fears, failures, accomplishments...like something else I realized in a conversation I had yesterday...I managed to clearly hear no in a particular direction the relationship with a guy friend was going…I have been able to stand in that no with truth and integrity…and the guy respected my choice and we remain friends…that was a first for me almost in every way…a first to listen for the no, to hear the no, to choose the no, to stand in the no with truth, and for a guy to respect it…the last part could probably be the biggest shocker of all…no guy has ever respected a decision like that especially not being able to understand it fully…which many times made it harder to stand in the no…because he is a really great guy and proved it…lol…but I know the choice I made was right…and lots of people have challenged me on it because he’s a great guy and they want to see me date and have fun…but I’m not just wanting to date to be dating or having fun…I don’t want to play with my heart or any body else’s…I want a family and a future not instant gratification...and that too is growth for me though I feel like I have stood there for a little while...so I have failed at alot and yet accomplished alot...and through it all God is still loving me, forgiving me, showing me, carrying me, challenging me, correcting me, growing me, changing me, preparing me, creating me into beauty and what I am meant to be...it is not easy...in fact I cant remember things being easy for years now...but it is worth it and I would not go back and change any of it for anything and I would not walk away from it for anything...that is why I stood my ground with the guy...because in essence I would be walking away from where I have worked so hard to get...and yeah it would be fun and sweet and great and wonderful for a little while...then I would have to break a heart get a broken heart...fight through all that...then begin rebuilding all the things I have worked so hard on already...it like building a mansion that is just exactly right...burning it down and starting over again and again and again...why...why put me through that and why drag someone else's heart through the muck doing it...when its wrong its wrong no matter how respectful, sweet, generous, cute, great, wonderful the guy is...all I can say is I see I have come so far and overcome so much to get to this point...it has been so hard and many times I didnt think I could make it...but I did...and I dont want to go back to take it forgranted or lose it or turn my back on what I have done...or especially the God, the Father, the Healer, that brought me here...that rescued me, that died for me, that fought with me through all of this...I never want to turn my back on Him...I never want to be without Him...I dont think I could survive...I dont think I could breathe...God is amazing, and "still more awesome than I know"...and if you do not have a relationship with the living God...then let me tell you...you are missing out on the greatest love of your life, the greatest journey of your life...the greatest peace you'll ever experience...the greatest joy you'll ever experience...I mean you havent experienced joy or love or peace at all if you dont know Jesus as your Savior...and if you think you have then imagine how much more so you can when it comes from your Creator...when it comes from a God that thought of you and loved you before he even created the earth...when it comes from a God that gave is only Sons life for you...Jesus died on the cross so that you would be able to know God...so that you would be able to experience His love, peace, and joy...so that you can have everlasting life...a life that is more wonderful that anything you can dream of...its as easy as asking Jesus to be the Lord of your life...asking Jesus to live in your heart, admitting you are a sinner(we all are...every single person on earth), asking Jesus to forgive you of your sins, and believing He died for you...that all...all you have to do is believe and ask...and I promise the minute you do that whole heartedly you will immediately be flooded with peace and love and freedom like you have never experienced before!!! Just do it!!!!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

thats pretty long....and lots of big words

Tabbie:) said...

GEE THANKS ANONYMOUS!!!

neesie said...

WOW! that was a mouth full! You need to revisit what you said about makeing your own security. There is a lot in that one statement. If you make your own security then you build your own walls. The only people allowed in are the ones you let in and they must play by your rules or you simply isolate you. I think in the things that you have said the walls built so long ago are comming down brick by brick. I am thankful of the growth inside of you and proud of what you have accompolished. Keep listening to God and don't be afraid to walk the road He has placed you on. For he has good plans for you!
Know that you are loved!

Tabbie:) said...

Thanks for the comment...I too know that I am growing and changing piece by piece...revelation by revelation...I am excited about what's ahead of me once again...and can't wait to see it come about...I am ready to move forward...I read an article that I am going to email you...you'll see why when you read it...thank you for always supporting me though I do not deserve it...thank you for always caring, praying, and loving...you rock...you really really do...love you Neesie!!