There are so many things that I do not understand and that hurt.
I don't understand why people have become distant
I don't understand why my nickname has been taken from me
I don't understand why I get excluded in the little things - take that back I do understand this one, I believe it falls under the category of out of sight and out of mind.
You see we made the choice to be obedient and follow God's call to another state. We were gone for four years. In that time we did the best we could to stay connected. We traveled several times a year to see our families. We traveled when we didn't really have the time or the money to do it but we wanted to stay connected to our families. We drove 10-12 hours for just a few days of time together.
Then God called us to move back to our home state and He so graciously placed us in a place that was mostly in the middle of our families. He placed us in a wonderful community where traveling to see our families was much easier.
Yet we travel. We go.
Father, I feel like all I feel is hurt right now on all sides. I know it has always been this way in my life, never one thing at a time. It has always been multiple things at once.
I feel hurt by relationships and the distance even after almost two years of us being back. I feel hurt that they do not try to include us more and come see us more.
I feel hurt by the change in our calling and ministry.
I feel hurt for my son that he will be pushed aside (as has already happened) for someone else who gets more time with the family.
I feel hurt that we have no friends here and the friends we do have never seem to have time for us.
I feel hurt that things have to be so stinkin hard all at once.
I feel hurt.
In all of this God, I feel trust in You. Because I know that you have always loved me and always been faithful to me and that there is a reason behind all of this. I know YOU and that You have a purpose and plan in all of this and that you never let things happen without a purpose. I know you want to teach me something...well many things. I want to learn Father. I want to see what all of this means. I want to be able to pull outside of my hurt and feelings (FEELINGS LIE) and I want to see what You want me to see. I want to see what I need to correct within me and I want to see what I can learn from what I cannot control in others. I want to be better because of all of this. I want to respond instead of react.
I hurt Father. I know that you see that and know that better than anyone else. I just don't want to stay in this dark place. I want to learn and grow from it, I want to be a better person for it.
Father I want to change, I want my heart to be clean. I want to love even more and deeper even with the risk of getting hurt. I want to minister to Your people. I want to find our place again. I want to glorify You and point people back to You. I want to move forward.
It's Not Over.
(Song It's Not Over Ricardo Sanchez)