Philippians 1:6
"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

I wouldnt go as far as to say I am confident in that but I am trying to be...at this point it is the only hope I am standing on...in this battle I am in, I have my good moments...I do not feel like I am winning or gaining any ground yet...but surely I will get better...oh please Father let me get better...complete this work in me soon...this is the hardest thing I ever remember having to do...and I still dont think I am doing it...but at least I am praying about it and seeking and open to doing it somewhat...I am terrified...but I dont know what terrifies me more...doing it or failing trying to do it...aahhh...you know it only takes me a second to switch it off...and then I feel helpless again...once I switch it off I cant seem to unswitch...blah...I told God we'd do it one day at a time...I am lacking in patience though...I am failing everyday...I guess I am just so used to making a choice to do something and then just doing it and its done...this is so not like that at all...but to talk about it one would not understand the dificulty in what I need to do...I dont think there is a single person that understands...and that sort of makes is harder...but God understands I know...and I know He'll give me strength...but there is alot of work I need to do...God help me...the only thing I have been good at lately is crying out to you...but that is it...I know that is a start but eventually you have to move on from the start to keep going...I havent gotten past the start...give me determination and will and strenght and patience and hope...help me to see victories and hold on to them to keep me going...help me to really do this...really really do this...cause I truly do not know how...and I truly can not do it without you...Father I need you so much...I know I keep telling you that...I am holding to that...and to the knowing that you want me to need you because your strength is make perfect then...help me to let go...help me to LET GO...

Well here I am again...in this choose life or die spiritually place...I am gaining strength in the choosing life area...I spent some time talking to my Neesie yesterday and last night...and today Jen has really encouraged me too...so maybe I am headed back in the right direction...there are some incredibly hard things ahead of me...somethings I really dont want to face and fight...but I have to in order to keep living spiritually...I mean I can choose to stay here and merely exist, run away completely and die...or I can choose to take another step closer to God and to what He has created me to be...to have more freedom to LIVE...I do want that freedom...more freedom...and I know now that there is more freedom avaliable...and there are many areas in which I need freedom...and there is much work and fighting to be done...so to all who read this and are prayer warriors...now is the time to pray...pray for humbleness, strength, determination, strength, oh and did I say strength...I need God's strength...and pray that I will just let go...let go of control...pray...please pray...maybe I am on the road again...at least I hope...here's to another battle, another year, another chance, to LIFE, to FREEDOM, to VICTORY, to HOPE, to staying in God's will, to choosing to fight the good fight...I love you Father, be with me and be all these things to me...In JESUS name...Amen!

"By perseverance the snail reached the ark"

Don't ya think the snail had a slow go of it...and that there were times when he wanted to stop and rest...and there were times when he wanted to give up...and there were times when it seemed much more appealing to be something else besides the snail...boy can I relate to the snail...but he persevered...and so shall I...Father help me...that seems to be my usual plea lately...but I trust you and I love you...short update today but I gotta go!

A new day dawns...isnt it funny how that always happens...without fail the sun rises again and a new day is born...I am thankful for new days...what makes those new days so wonderful is the prospect of new things and new starts...I love New Years because it brings with it a new start...well we have that everyday...the bible says His mercies are new each day...I am thankful that today I realize I do not have to wait for a New Year to start fresh...I can start frest everyday...I know I mess up alot...alot alot...I fail all the time, I fall all the time...but everyday I can pick myself up and start again...because of His forgiveness...and I dont ask for His forgiveness often enough...its called pride...its a doozy...so today Father I ask you to forgive me...forgive me for trying to do it all on my own, forgive me for ignoring you, forgive me for allowing my flesh to win out over your Spirit in me, forgive me for my selfishness, forgive me for my stubborness, forgive me for my laziness, I am nothing without You and without Your forgiveness, strength, love, grace, and mercy. I need you in every part of my life, I need you every minute of my day, I need you in every decision I make, and I refuse you in alot of those. Forgive me and help my unbelief, help my stubbornness, help me to let go and let You. That is so very very hard for me. But I want it, I cant say that I want it with my whole heart yet, cause in my stomach there is a scared, timid, I cant sort of feeling...but I know that is also something you can help me with. I just need you my Father...I need you so much...and I love you with all you have given me to love with...you are my All in All. Help me to see clearly Your will in all the decisions I need to make, and help me to see clearly the goals you have for me for this coming New Year. Thank you Father for your faithfulness you never fail us, not ever!!
Psalm 7:8,9,10 "Judge me, O Lord, according to my righteousness, according to my integrity, O Most High. O righteous God, who searches minds and hearts...My shield is God Most High, who saves the upright in heart. God is a righteous judge,..."

Happy Friday!!
Thank you Jesus that it is finally Friday and I can sleep in tomorrow...I am pooped...there is so much going on in me...so much to change, to see, to learn, but in the middle of a conversation today I realized some really big things...dont you love when that happens you are talking and you say something and its like wow...I just realized that and it came out my mouth before I even knew that I knew it...lol...anyway...I realized God has begun placing in me a desire to step out on my own...like when one leaves home to go AWAY to college...I have never had that opportunity...to leave home and move away from all the places and people that always surround me...but I have begun to think about it...where as before the thought alone terrified me...I have never been secure enough in myself to do anything like that...not even to meet new people or talk to just anyone...for example in school(elementary, middle, high, college) I wasnt confident in anything about me, not in who I was, what I knew, what I wore, the way I looked, anything therefore I stayed in a shell of "security"...I made my own security...but it wasnt the right kind of security...I realized today where that comes from...it was because I never had any security as a child unless I made it...things were always chaos, always changing, always unsafe, always unpeaceful...there was no saftey, security, or peace in my life...I never went to camp, away field trips, I didnt go off to college...the thought of that alone terrified me...I never could just talk to just anybody, or get to know them, or make friends with them...and now I can and now I am feeling drawn to the prospect of...going off to life...I actually want an opportunity to do that to know I can stand on my own away from all the people and places I have always known and been...I think that God has begun this work because my future is near...and I dont exactly know how the opportunity is going to present itself or what the opportunity will be...but I think there will be one...I think it will terrify me at first but I want to do it...I'll have to fight and push through some insecurities and some fears...but I want to...and I think it will be amazing and challenging and wonderful...it's exciting to think that maybe this desire is one step closer to my future...it makes my heart race and my chest tighten...but it is also exhilariting to entertain the thought...wow...anyway...there is just so much going on in me...struggles, fears, failures, accomplishments...like something else I realized in a conversation I had yesterday...I managed to clearly hear no in a particular direction the relationship with a guy friend was going…I have been able to stand in that no with truth and integrity…and the guy respected my choice and we remain friends…that was a first for me almost in every way…a first to listen for the no, to hear the no, to choose the no, to stand in the no with truth, and for a guy to respect it…the last part could probably be the biggest shocker of all…no guy has ever respected a decision like that especially not being able to understand it fully…which many times made it harder to stand in the no…because he is a really great guy and proved it…lol…but I know the choice I made was right…and lots of people have challenged me on it because he’s a great guy and they want to see me date and have fun…but I’m not just wanting to date to be dating or having fun…I don’t want to play with my heart or any body else’s…I want a family and a future not instant gratification...and that too is growth for me though I feel like I have stood there for a little while...so I have failed at alot and yet accomplished alot...and through it all God is still loving me, forgiving me, showing me, carrying me, challenging me, correcting me, growing me, changing me, preparing me, creating me into beauty and what I am meant to be...it is not easy...in fact I cant remember things being easy for years now...but it is worth it and I would not go back and change any of it for anything and I would not walk away from it for anything...that is why I stood my ground with the guy...because in essence I would be walking away from where I have worked so hard to get...and yeah it would be fun and sweet and great and wonderful for a little while...then I would have to break a heart get a broken heart...fight through all that...then begin rebuilding all the things I have worked so hard on already...it like building a mansion that is just exactly right...burning it down and starting over again and again and again...why...why put me through that and why drag someone else's heart through the muck doing it...when its wrong its wrong no matter how respectful, sweet, generous, cute, great, wonderful the guy is...all I can say is I see I have come so far and overcome so much to get to this point...it has been so hard and many times I didnt think I could make it...but I did...and I dont want to go back to take it forgranted or lose it or turn my back on what I have done...or especially the God, the Father, the Healer, that brought me here...that rescued me, that died for me, that fought with me through all of this...I never want to turn my back on Him...I never want to be without Him...I dont think I could survive...I dont think I could breathe...God is amazing, and "still more awesome than I know"...and if you do not have a relationship with the living God...then let me tell you...you are missing out on the greatest love of your life, the greatest journey of your life...the greatest peace you'll ever experience...the greatest joy you'll ever experience...I mean you havent experienced joy or love or peace at all if you dont know Jesus as your Savior...and if you think you have then imagine how much more so you can when it comes from your Creator...when it comes from a God that thought of you and loved you before he even created the earth...when it comes from a God that gave is only Sons life for you...Jesus died on the cross so that you would be able to know God...so that you would be able to experience His love, peace, and joy...so that you can have everlasting life...a life that is more wonderful that anything you can dream of...its as easy as asking Jesus to be the Lord of your life...asking Jesus to live in your heart, admitting you are a sinner(we all are...every single person on earth), asking Jesus to forgive you of your sins, and believing He died for you...that all...all you have to do is believe and ask...and I promise the minute you do that whole heartedly you will immediately be flooded with peace and love and freedom like you have never experienced before!!! Just do it!!!!