I need a little moment to vent some of this fire in my belly…wow…God I don’t want to walk in sin with this…I know it would be easy to judge there…Father I need you to help me put this into perspective…its not a new battle…its not something I have come up with brand new…its an existing fight…not one that no one has ever noticed or tried to win…me and my narrow minded thinking…help me to see that, help me to not go overboard with this…help me to do with it what YOU would have me do with it…help me to have balance and know where my boundaries are…that way I do not hurt others…balance…control...not the bad kind…lol…Father I feel like there is much to learn here…help me see and be open and listen to You and obey you…right now this is consuming me…I am burning for it…I am passionate about it…and I don’t wan to loose that passion…but I want to be able to have a clear mind and put it into perspective…there are so many places I need balance…but I’m not going there today either…one day at a time…today Father help me to hear YOUR voice and know YOUR will and know YOUR way…help me to see and understand the things that YOU would have me see and understand in this…Father I need you and I need to be in prayer to you everyday…seeking guidance and wisdom for myself and others…help me to find the permanent discipline I need to stay in your WORD and to daily converse with You and be in constant communion with You…Father there are many desires…help me today to calm down and begin to find balance and perspective…I need you…In Jesus name I ask these things! Amen!

Good Morning...well this new year has started off kind of rough but strong...like there are hard things going on but I am standing stronger than ever before...it is quite interesting...I am not attacking people that are hurting me...I am actually loving them in spite of the things they do to me...it is hard...cause I want to be ugly to them...but at the same time the part of me that does not want to be ugly to them is stronger...so that is wonderful...that means the God in me is stronger than the flesh in that area right now...I am so very thankful to God for all that He gives...for all that He does...for all that He has made me...and for all that He is going to do in me this year...I know already this year is not going to be an easy year...but I want to do the things I need to do to draw closer to HIM...its all about HIM...noone else but HIM!!! My heart cries out to HIM, my heart yearns for HIM...at this point HE is all I am after...but there are still things that I desire as well...I just want HIM more...at least today that is where I am...man if I could just be more consistent in everthing I do and think and feel...that would be great...I know that I am more at peace when I am in HIS presence either seeking His face or His Spirit pouring through me to minister to someone else...I love to minister to others...and I am glad that I am finally to a point where I feel comfortable ministering to anyone...and I want to minister to anyone...and I am glad that He knows me better than I know myself...I am so thankful that He has all those things worked out and that He knows where I am going next and where He is taking me...now if I can just sit back and enjoy the ride it would be great...so many goals...He will help me mee them all if they are right for me though...my only desire the one that sums them all up would be to be better, to become more Christlike, that sums up all my goals in one...they all equal that...so that is good...be in prayer for me...I need strength, wisdom, and determination...I need to be willing to let go...and I am very reluctant to do that...always have been...and pray that I will be patient with myself and with God...my patientce runs out quickly these days...which is quite annoying...lol...but in all this I know that God's love is a healing balm...last night was prayer and I just cried out to HIM...I have cried alot lately more than I ever have in my life I think...almost daily...but last night I cried to Him...I cried so that He could have my tears...and it helped...His love flowed through me like a warm healing balm and I feel so much better today...even still facing the same circumstances as the days before...He has been my Helper, my Healer, my Friend, my Father, my EVERYTHING...and I am thankful...I am thankful for His sacrifice so that today I can feel His love and presence and strength...I am thankful that though I am not worthy He gives me everything I need freely anyway...I am thankful that I have chosen Him and He has chosen me...well that is all for now...I urge you that if you do not know Jesus you get to know Him soon...He will change your whole life and bring joy beyond any words...if you are looking for love and acceptance Jesus is the way...if you are looking for peace and guidance Jesus is the way...if you are looking for life and truth Jesus is the way...THE ONLY WAY...and His gift is free...it only takes you asking and believeing...I love you my Father...be with me today in all that I will face...help me to be the light in the darkness...In Jesus name I ask...Amen!

Good Afternoon...wow how bout this really has been a great week...no really in all circumstances but in God...though I am still not even close to being where I should be with Him...how incredible is it that He has blessed me anyway...He is just so good to me...and I NEVER deserve that...ooohhh Wednesday night in youth service(yes I really am too old to be in youth service but hey I dont care where I hear the word I just want to hear it)so anyway in youth Boo was preaching out of the "love chapter"...man I love that chapter...anyway he said try replacing the word love with God...and this is how it goes...
1 Corinthians 13
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not God, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbol. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all myseteris and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not God, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not God, I gain nothing. God is patient, God is kind. He does not envy, He does not boast, He is not proud. He is not rude, He is not selfseeking, He is not easily angered, He keeps no record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. He always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails. But where there are prophesies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And know these three remain faith, hope and God. But the greatest of these is God."

Whoa...I thought that was awesome...God is awesome...He never fails...that's the bottom line!!

No words to describe

Today at work we got some incredible news...my bosses are having twins...after more than 5 years and I can't imagine how many heartaches and heartbreaks later...twins...they are going to have twins...so I ask right off that as you read this you would immediately pray...please that these babies would make it and be healthy...she is just far enough along to be mildly comfortable sharing the news...you know I am not a mother so I can not even begin to imagine the pain she has gone through...the pain they have both gone through...I didnt know that they were trying as hard as they have been or that they have had so much pain and things happen...I am just praising God for this blessing...if anyone who is in my Sunday school class reads this...remind me to share it as a God moment...because it truly truly is...she is going to be a mother...the look in her eyes said it all...she could hardly stand in the room with us becuase she wanted to cry so bad...and she doesnt cry in front of others at all...her eyes said it all...all that I didnt even know...I had no idea until today the pain that was there...I can not believe I didnt know it...didnt see it...I can not belive I haven't been praying...well I'm praying now...I guess I need to get off the other and just pray...you know it is so hard for us to look and see what God see's...that is one of my prayers for this year...I want to look at others and immediately see what God sees...not what Tabbie would see...because guess what...what Tabbie would see isnt always good...you know and you never know what someone has been through...you dont know why someone reacts or responds they way they do...God sees the heart...God sees the hurt inside, the needs, the wants, the desires, and even the reasons for their walls...and you know I'd be willing to be that ever single person we come across that we dont like for whatever reason...just has walls put up to protect themselves...and we may never ever know why...why cant we be willing to love them anyway...to know without having to see or be given anything that they are just like us...they are human, they make mistakes, they put wall up to protect themselves, they put up defenses to feel safe...why cant I be willing to look past that...why cant I be willing to ignore that...why cant I be willing to accept people as they are and simply love...why cant I love without having to have something in return...without having to have someone respond to me in a certain way...without having to have them give back to me in some way...do we always or ever give back to Jesus for the love He gives us...I was humbled last night...God spoke to me...why would the God of this universe speak to me...why...I am not worthy of that...I am not worthy of His love...I guess it's a good thing we dont have to be...He simply loves us...He simply sees past all the defenses and walls we put up...this year I want to see people like He sees them...this year I want to love freely without having to have anything in return...man thats gonna be hard considering I am one of the most selfish people on the planet...uuuggghhh...who do I always think of first...myself...uuuggghhh...boy when you get right down to the heart of me I am down right ugly...Father change me...change me this year...I seek to be different...to be more like you...to look and see more like you...to think more like you...help me Father...continue to speak to me...Father I ask you specifically...will you make me selfless...will you purify my heart and my mind...I ask in Jesus name...Thank you Father...thank you Jesus for loving though we are unworhty to be loved...thank you Father for speaking though we are unworthy of hearing your voice...thank you Father for all you are...I know I am only seeing a glimpse of who you are...for if I were to see the whole it would be too much for me and I would surely die right there...but I look forward to seeing and knowing the whole You when I come home to Heaven...I love you Father...I love you as much as my selfish human self can love you...Help me love you more...in Jesus name I ask and pray...AMEN!!

Well...I am sort of in a quiet mood today...just too exhausted to even talk really...my mind is only functioning when it has to which is alot today at work...isnt it funny how quickly we slip in and out of moods...anyway...you know there has been so much going on in me lately...so much work to be done...so much that needs to take place...so many walls I need to tear down...how hard it is sometimes...but never once have I thought it wasnt worth it...several times I have thought of giving up...but not becuase I thought it wasnt worth it...just because I wanted to be lazy and not fight...stupid flesh...stupid sin...stupid stupid EVE...ha ha...but such is life ya know...and we can either choose to fight or choose to quit...if we choose to quit then that's it...there's nothing more...not greener grass on the other side...its too sad to think of quitting...I dont want status quo...I want more...besides I am convinced that it takes alot more energy to run from God than to allow Him to work in your life...so really quitting isnt going to give you the rest you think it is...lets talk about relationships...man do I struggle there...soooo much...I dont think I have a single relationship that doesnt take lots of work and time and effort...why...well becuase it is pretty hard to keep a relationship if you dont put time and effort and work into it...and really could you imagine your life without relationships...I like having friends and family to talk to and share things with...so I think relationships are hard yes...but just as worth is as the fight to be more Christ like...after all isnt that fight a relationship too...its a relationship with God...so yes relationships are hard and take lots of work...but I have decided that they too are worth it...I still have so much to improve upon...so much...I need to be more consistent...need to be more thoughtful...need to learn when to shut up...need to learn to be more selfless...need to take chances more...need to have more grace...need to let go more...FOR SURE...ha...yeah...God is probably the only one who gets that with me...we all need to learn how to include others more...which in all essence should be common sense and common courtesy and just plain polite...but let me tell you...me especially...man I didnt know alot of this stuff...it didnt come natural to me...but I want to learn and that has made all the difference...I learned that clicks suck and they hurt people...I have learned that you can easily include someone simply by opening up a circle of people with your body and not turning your back to someone...I have learned not to talk about doing something that is an exclusive activity in front of someone that cant do the activity or hasnt been invited to do the activity...I have learned that it is okay to do somethings exclusively but you just dont discuss it publicly...it hurts people...I have both hurt others and been hurt by this...I have learned that you have to focus on the person you are talking to and listen to what they are saying...duh I know...but this is especially hard for me being choleric and selfish...I have learned that consistency is probably one of the most important things involved in trusting someone and gaining someones trust...I have learned honesty is always the best policy...I have learned that always answering the phone if you can or always returning a voicemail is highly important...even if you cant talk long...it simply lets somone know that you care enough to acknowledge their taking the time to call and their caring enought to do so...its the least you can do...and probably the hardest thing I am learning is that feelings are not everything...sometimes how you feel means didly squat and you have to rise above and follow through anyway...and have a good attitude while you are following through...oh yes that is a hard one...all these are things I am learning and trying to put into practice...gah...its hard...and I dont do as well with any of them as I would like...I need lots more training and help in this area...but my prayer is that one day it will be natural to me and just come easily to include and love others in this way...I think it is already easier today that it was when I first started learning and trying...willingness to try is the key...willingness to see and to learn and to try and the want to include others is big...it is my prayer for this year...it is one of my goals for this year...I am going to try my very best to not leave anyone out and to try in everyway to make sure others are included in activities and such...for I know the hurt and the pain of being left out and forgotten and cast aside...well I guess that is all for now I need to get back to work...I'll leave you with a verse...Matthew 7:12 "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you..."Father with your help I know I can accomplish these things...I love you and want to draw closer to you this year!!!

THINGS TO CLING TO IN 2006

1. God is for me!
2. God is for me!
3. God is for me!
4. God is for me!
5. God is for me!
Romans 8

6. Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this, the he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

7. Romans 5:3-5 "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us -- they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."