Current Reality

Happy Saturday! It is one of my favorite days of the week because I get to spend it with my boys!

Oh what a week we have had!

We traveled last weekend so it threw baby boy's schedule off a bit and then mommy got sick Monday night and Tuesday. Wednesday Grandma was in town and we had baby boy's 2 month check up and shots.

2 month check up:
Weight 12lbs 13.6oz
Length: 24inches

Our baby boy is growing well and doing great. I fully believe that he is teething very early and that is causing some of the fussiness he has from time to time. Poor lil guy!

Emotionally this has been a tough week for me. I know that Spiritually I am pretty dry and there are so many heavy things going on that it is the worst time to be Spiritually dry. Not that there is ever really a good time for it.

I know that I have so much work to do in my heart yet when on earth do I have the time to do it. I know I know this is everyone's battle not just mine.

I feel like life is spinning rapidly out of control. I literally feel like life is racing at the speed of light and I am here trudging along feebly trying to keep up.

But truly life is good for the most part I just have work within me that I need to be doing and I can't seem to find a spare minute to work on me. It will come I know it will though.

I feel like just when we get into a good routine and I can begin to plan some me time, something changes and that goes right out the window. lol

Not that I am complaining, it is just the way life is right now.

But I'll be honest where I am is not in a very good place. There is so much yuck in me and so much yuck coming out of me and I hate it so very much.

I do not like the person I am right now. Not at all.

It is time for a change. I need it desperately!

I need to get rid of this JUNK in my heart and mind and re-fill with Jesus, the Word, life, love, hope and all things good and positive.

That is my goal and I need to push that goal way up in my list of priorities!!

Mid week randoms

Happy Wednesday!

*My baby boy and I are home and he is napping sweetly!

*I love Wednesdays because I get to be home with him all day!!

*Fav Days in order: Saturday (family time), Wednesday (mommy baby time), Tuesdays (two hour lunch and it's my most productive day), Thursdays (I work a partial day), Friday (for obvious reasons) then poor Monday comes in dead last (besides the fact that it's Monday it's one of my LONG days at work)

*I love our house and feel very blessed to be in this home

*I am already excited about Christmas and cannot wait to start decorating this house

*I am actually excited about Halloween this year because I think we will actually get Trick or
Treaters here and we have plans to line the walk way with cute pumpkins!!

*IT FEELS LIKE FALL AND IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY

*I love our evening walks to our little downtown courtyard

*I have fallen in love with coffee all over again

*I can now eat Tuna again and can't wait for grocery shopping day

*Being a mom has cured me of laziness...I just can't be lazy any more

*I love the new Mandalas coloring trend, if I had the time I know I would be completely obsessed

*I love when my patients get excited to see me back at work, so sweet

*I just discovered that Netflix has Mr. Roger's Neighborhood and I have had it on all morning and really would love for Easton to like that show when he gets older - I still think it is a GREAT show!

*Being a mom is the hardest most wonderful thing that I have ever done!

*I wanna shop so bad (I want new clothes for me and Easton, I want makeup, I want journals, and coloring tools) yeep the shopping bug has hit me but it will just have to stop biting because there are no funds to relieve it

*Being a mommy makes me even crazier than I already was: I desire some alone time and then when I have it I spend it missing my baby = CRAZY

*Let's not even talk about the paranoia that comes with becoming a mom = INSANE

*I talk about my child all the time and post mostly pictures of him on all my social media

*I think he's waking and ready to eat = BYE NOW

It's Not Over by Ricardo Sanchez

It's Not Over - Ricardo Sanchez

Chorus

It's not over, it's not finished
It's not ending, It's only the beginning
When God is in it, all things are new, ooh, ooh
All things are new, ooh, ooh
All things are new, ooh, ooh
All things are new, ooh, ooh

Verse 1

I know it's dark just before dawn
This might just be the hardest season you've experienced
I know it hurts; it won't be too long
You're closer than you think you are
You're closer than you've been before

So look to the sky - help is on the way

Chorus 2

It's not over, it's not finished
It's not ending; it's only the beginning
When God is in it, all things are new, ooh, ooh
All things are new, ooh, ooh
All things are new, ooh, ooh
All things are new, ooh, ooh

Verse 2

Something is moving, turning around
Seasons are changing; everything is different now
Here comes the sun piercing the clouds
You're closer than you think you are
You're closer than you've been before

So look to the sky - help is on the way
Our God is faithful, He's faithful to say:

Chorus 3

It's not over, it's not finished
It's not ending, It's only the beginning
Not over, it's not finished
It's not ending, it's only the beginning

When God is in it, when God is in it,
When God is in it, all things are new, ooh, ooh
All things are new, ooh, ooh
All things are new, ooh, ooh
All things are new, ooh, ooh

Bridge

When God is in it, there is no limit
When God is in it, it's not over, it's not over!
When God is in it, there is no limit
When God is in it, it's not over, it's not over!
(Repeat)

When God is in it, there is no limit
When God is in it, it's not over, it's not over
It's not over, it's not over!

It's not over
It's not over
It's not over

Bridge 2

When God is in it, there is no limit
When God is in it, it's not over, it's not over!
When God is in it, there is no limit
When God is in it, it's not over, it's not over
It's not over, it's not over!

It's not over
It's not over
It's not over

On All Sides YET there is HOPE

There are so many things that I do not understand and that hurt.

I don't understand why people have become distant

I don't understand why my nickname has been taken from me

I don't understand why I get excluded in the little things - take that back I do understand this one, I believe it falls under the category of out of sight and out of mind.

You see we made the choice to be obedient and follow God's call to another state. We were gone for four years. In that time we did the best we could to stay connected. We traveled several times a year to see our families. We traveled when we didn't really have the time or the money to do it but we wanted to stay connected to our families. We drove 10-12 hours for just a few days of time together.

Then God called us to move back to our home state and He so graciously placed us in a place that was mostly in the middle of our families. He placed us in a wonderful community where traveling to see our families was much easier.

Yet we travel. We go.

Father, I feel like all I feel is hurt right now on all sides. I know it has always been this way in my life, never one thing at a time. It has always been multiple things at once.

I feel hurt by relationships and the distance even after almost two years of us being back. I feel hurt that they do not try to include us more and come see us more.

I feel hurt by the change in our calling and ministry.

I feel hurt for my son that he will be pushed aside (as has already happened) for someone else who gets more time with the family.

I feel hurt that we have no friends here and the friends we do have never seem to have time for us.

I feel hurt that things have to be so stinkin hard all at once.

I feel hurt.

In all of this God, I feel trust in You. Because I know that you have always loved me and always been faithful to me and that there is a reason behind all of this. I know YOU and that You have a purpose and plan in all of this and that you never let things happen without a purpose. I know you want to teach me something...well many things. I want to learn Father. I want to see what all of this means. I want to be able to pull outside of my hurt and feelings (FEELINGS LIE) and I want to see what You want me to see. I want to see what I need to correct within me and I want to see what I can learn from what I cannot control in others. I want to be better because of all of this. I want to respond instead of react.

I hurt Father. I know that you see that and know that better than anyone else. I just don't want to stay in this dark place. I want to learn and grow from it, I want to be a better person for it.

Father I want to change, I want my heart to be clean. I want to love even more and deeper even with the risk of getting hurt. I want to minister to Your people. I want to find our place again. I want to glorify You and point people back to You. I want to move forward.

It's Not Over.
(Song It's Not Over Ricardo Sanchez)

Cycling through

I find myself cycling through different levels of what I hope is healing from a major hurt. 

Currently I am in the Anger & Disgusted stage.

This is not the most pleasant place to be in. I do not enjoy it at all.

I can now say...I AM ANGRY! I am angry and hurt and disgusted with the way things went. I am just so angry!

I know there is ugliness in my heart and I hate that so very much. I have never felt disgusted like this before and I don't like it. And this makes me angry too, to find myself in this place.

I am just to the point of being able to say these things out loud and my hope is that this is progress of some kind. I don't really know because I have never walked here before.

I want to forgive, heal and move on. I want the ugliness that is in my heart to be gone.

I know that anger is a cover emotion for the hurt and disappointment I feel. 

Lord, I give my heart back to you, please help me process this and please clean my heart again! I need you. In Jesus' name, amen.