Monday, June 23, 2014

Mondays and new revelations

The weekend rolled around and we found our Saturday morning to be the good kind of busy. Hubby went off to the church to cut grass (his favorite thing to do) and I was off to brunch with a friend to catch up. After a very lovely brunch I found myself having a much needed phone date with my best friend and I found myself crying as I unloaded weeks worth of pent up tears and realizations.  I am so blessed to have a friend who can and will hold me up when I am down and who allows me to do the same for her.

It seems that God knew exactly what both of us needed on this Saturday morning as her schedule had been rearranged and she found herself at home sitting on her porch listening to a weeping me. And God knew I needed my friend to listen and encourage me as I had a fall apart moment that had been sneaking up on me for weeks.

God is faithful friends, always faithful.

There are things that creep up on us that can only be shared with best friends who have proven trust worthy and loving in the worst of your life's moments. And Saturday was one of those moments. I didn't feel the desire to release what I was feeling all over my husband who at this point gets the brunt of my emotions and struggles, no, God knew that my friend was the one who was to get that moment with me. I am thankful that my Hubby go that break! He is such a wonderful man and he supports me completely but he definitely deserves a break from my femaleness! He doesn't have to get it all but I am thankful he doesn't mind being there for me when I need him.

So in the course of my weeping I realized that I have reached a few understandings and turning points. I realize that I am in the most difficult part of transition for me. The part where I am more tempted to retreat inside myself and never come out and also the part where I am missing being with people who know and love me, to which I can only have those kinds of relationships if I choose to come outside of myself and build them.  You see the dilemma.

You see I function so much better when I have relationships in my life that are safe and loving. However those relationships take time and effort. And I find myself struggling to pull outside myself to make the effort yet those relationships are what help me to be outside myself comfortably. Oh what a cycle right!

I know that I am capable of escaping myself and building those relationships as I am missing those very relationships from our last home.

So as my sweet friend who I am missing quite acutely sat on her front porch "getting some color" on her legs, I talked and cried out this struggle within me. And she so sweetly listened and encouraged me and loved me and let me dump out my emotions and pent up tears multiple times withing the span of the hour plus conversation.

Ahhhh...I love being loved like that. I am so thankful that during my last transition God helped me pull outside of myself and make the effort as scary as it was to build a relationship with this incredible woman. And I am thankful that God helped her see something in me that she liked as well and that she made the effort to build relationship with me and I am thankful that the miles that separate us have only drawn us closer to each other.

So in this most difficult part of the transition I have been able to identify what I must do and I have been able to overcome my desire to retreat into myself several times. Saturday morning brunch for example, inviting someone over, and pulling myself from the safety of my home on several occasions even when it felt like that might actually kill me.



I am thankful for the lifelong relationships that God has allowed me to have. I know that I am extremely blessed to have the few I do have in my life as I know it is extremely rare to have those types of safe, strong, loving, encouraging, life long friendships in life.

So today, on this Monday I feel a bit stronger. I feel a bit better. I still miss the loving support from the relationships I had in Springfield and I miss being loved by many and seeing those I love on a daily or weekly basis. But I have hope in my heart that those relationships are here and available for me and I know that I can cultivate and build them but I must pull outside of myself, trust God, and give it the time that it takes.

I do not desire to rush into superficial relationships and I do not desire perfect relationships, I just desire the relationships that God has planned in advance for me and I am more ready today to pull outside of myself than I was last week.

Transition is not easy for with it come new everything but that is also what is exciting about it too.

I cannot wait to see what God has in store as I know He called us here and this is where He wants us to be. He has a purpose and a plan and I trust Him completely.

Here's to what is ahead. Though I cannot see it and do not know who, what, or when exactly I know it will be good and hard and imperfect and amazing.

Lord I give it all to you and I TRUST YOU. In Jesus name. Amen.

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