This will be a short post I think...time is an issue at this point at work...it has been crazy busy...I think I am enjoying it though...I usually like to know exactly what I am going to be doing everyday...but in this new postition I will not neccesarily know that...anyway God has been moving and shaking me...there is so much to be done and so many battles to fight...I still want more than anything to win...to live and love freely...at this point its a wistful dream...I do not like myself, not my personality, not my character, not my attitude, not much at all that I like these days...its all my fault too...so I seem to be in this never ending cycle that I create myself...stupid huh...well stupid is how the enemy works I guess...there's more confusion and disgust in his plan that's for sure...I am disgusted with his plan and that I have continually allowed him to work...but its like I have no idea how to do things differently...I want so badly just to be what GOD created me to be...but this world I have lived in for all these years has me pretty warped and it is taking much longer than I'd like to straighten things out...soon soon soon...I hope God's soon comes quickly...there is much work to be done...much work...in all areas, in all directions, in all places...just label me A WORK IN PROCESS...and I have to find a way to be okay being that for now...not that I'll ever not be that...but hopefully one day it will not be as bad as it is now...and let me tell you it is bad...I am bad...horrible...I make things, lives, and relationships - HORRIBLE...and that is not what I want to be or do...I feel as though right now I am just living in agony because I am stuck in this place that I DO NO want to be in...and though I try with EVERYTHING in me to get out, to do better, to change, I havent gained much ground it seems...I have gained some ground but not enough, not alot...all I know for sure is God is good, I have no doubts about that, and I am completely sold out to HIM and want nothing more than to be in HIS service and in HIS will...I want to be with Him all the time to be doing things to further His kingdom and to just be doing the work HE has called me to...I want to be what HE created me to be in every area of my life...I want to love HIM all the days of my life and serve HIM forever...I want to be successful at growing and changing and becoming who HE wants me to be...and I do not think that I am who HE wants me to be yet...I do not think I am even close...and that is very disheartening...VERY...well I have taken enough time to bellache...but I guess it helps to get things off my chest...anyway heading back to work...busy busy...in fact I havent left my desk since 11:00 today...

Ok so it has been a really long time since I blogged...it feels good to be back here...not that I really have time but I am just doing it anyway...I feel like there is so much to catch up on...just in myself in writing it all out...it always makes me feel better to write...and I havent written in a while!! My world is moving and shaking...lots happening in my personal life and lots happening at work...things are changing...and you know I am really ready for things to change...I am really ready for things to be different...to move to a different level at both places...God is asking much from me...but to whom much is given much is expected...and I am expected to TRUST...to trust HIM...not me...and you for my whole life the only person I could trust was me...now I have trusted HIM...but not in this particular area...I have relied soley on me...and guess what I have done...messed it up over and over and over...and guess what that has served to do...make me not trust myself...I dont feel like I can do what I need to do...but I think God is saying just let go and let ME worry about it let ME be responsible for it...that is extremely hard for me...and I still dont think I have it quite down yet...but I am going to try...and I am sure I am going to fail...but I am going to try to not look at myself to not judge myself...to just ask God for direction and help...and I know HE can do this in me...HE can do anything...He CAN...I can not...HE CAN...it's not about me its about HIM...and I have to stand there...although its still not really clear to me where I am standing...lol...but it doesnt have to be...and things are not perfect...not at all...but I have always had hope that they will get better...I am ready to be different...I am ready to be changed...I am ready to be VICTORIOUS!! BRING ON THE VICTORY GOD...ok well a little update on yesterday which was Easter Sunday...God gave me an incredible opportunity to be used by HIM...it was so awesome...I loved it...I was part of a gallery of GRACE...I was a Living Witness...He made me a Living Witness...and He spoke through me and it was so awesome...I really loved it...I love to be used by HIM...and He moved and allowed me to speak His words and pray for HIS daughters...it was so cool...I am thankful to have had the opportunity and to have allowed HIM to use me and to have been an empty vessel for HIM...it was incredible!! I loved it!!! Well work has gotten busy so that is all I have time for for now!! God is Good!!

I so just needed a safe place to vent. My feeling were just hurt by someone I wouldnt have expected it from. I was laughed at as I walked into a room. Then put down for being freaked out at the thought of being left at work alone at night. Which I think for a woman is a legitimate thing to be freaked out about. I dont think the person intended to hurt my feelings and probably doesnt even know they did. I want so badly to go tell them. But at the same time I guess I need to just let it go. Although I know if they come up to my office I will be hard pressed not to tell them that I did not appreciate what they did and said. Phewy on them. I think I have been hyper sensitive here at work. I am not handling things like I desire to. I seem to loose it quite easily lately. I get stressed out easily. I want to be calm and collected and trust and shine. I have not succeeded in that lately. I really hate that too!! I guess I am not trying hard enough. Father help me today to not allow things to get to me and make me loose my cool. Help me to stay calm and just know that its not big deal and its alright. Help me to be sweet to the one who has hurt my feelings. Help me not to take on this attitude of it has to be this way or else. That is the wrong attitude to have even if it is about being left alone at work. Search my heart today O God and weed out the ugly and replace it with your good. Help me to have your attitude about things and be led by YOUR Spirit. I want to shine for YOU while I am here and be an example of what peace and love is. I need you today and everyday!! I love you and long to be more like you. Help me fulfill the purpose you have called me to here at Summer Classics. I love you with all my heart! I ask these things in Jesus name. Amen!!

Old maid syndrome...ok this post is not going to be as wonderful as the last one sorry...I so have to do some venting before I explode...let me give a disclaimer first...I am slightly in despair...but its nothing that wont pass...I am having a pity moment...and just need to vent...it probably wont be pleasant or really true...lol...ok so another person younger than me just got engaged...last year at Becky's wedding she and I were the two cited to get married next...how 'bout she beat me...and I pretty much knew she would...although she is very much more whole in Christ than I am so it is really quite normal for her to find her prince charming and marry first...but it does not help me feel any less of an old maid...this will be the fourth wedding I will attend of someone that is younger than me...how 'bout that makes me want to be angrier at my mom for not creating a stable environment filled with God so that maybe by now I would have been whole and married...lol...blah blah blah...lol...I am telling you I am screaming on the inside...and how stupid is it that I just walked through the warehouse feeling the most unworthy, ugly, and self conscioncious than I have in a long time...the good thing is, is that I know somewhere deep down this is all completely insane...that someday my prince will come and I will have my moment in the glorious wedding spotlight...but these younger gals marrying off before me really makes me sad, impatient, and so very insecure...and I know because of something that happened the other night I have a very limited amount of people I can really talk to about this...and though that is okay...it makes it HARDER...and I know this is all dumb and I need to rise above and stand in faith...some days are harder than others...and its not that I just have to have a guy or just want to get married...no I want the real thing...and I am willing to wait for it...but my patience has worn thin...and I have struggled for a little while now to get back to the place I was in last summer...before I allowed my world to be shaken and my patience to fly out the window...again whos fault is it...MINE...yuck...and guess what I turned to today to give me comfort...chocolate...like that is going to make me feel any better about myself...with my already growing waisteline...could I please get a break here...although I do have a great new idea for getting myself out to exercise...I got it from the magazine Todays Christian Woman...books on tape...yes I love to read...and once I get in a good book I dont want to put it down...so if I get them on audio and only allow myself to listen while exercising that would give me great incentive to get out and walk at least...I was inspired by the story I read online in the magazine...I hope it works for me...I plan to shop this weekend for the supplies I'll need to get started...got to find a great book on audio to start with and get a portable cd player...yippe...good thing I just got a bonus check in the bank...blah...chocolate...it sure would help if it were good for me...hee hee...it would be greater if it were a weight loss supplement...yipee...on a lighter more happy note...my boss is having twins and she found out today the other baby IS a girl...so she will be having a boy and a girl...how incredible is that...considering this is her once chance to have children and she really wanted one of each...I'd say God is good...and that should be a testament to me to turn back to trusting him and stop bellyaching...I promise to try my hardest...to throw out an excuse...this has been a really crazy, mixed up, hard week...again whos fault...mine...but in my defense it has been a mess...and on top of that I am possibly coming down with strep...yipee...though I feel much better today than I did yesterday...oh today...now there is a whole hilarious stinky story...I thought my cats vet apt was today and it turns out its tomorrow...I just say that...he hates the car, the crate, and being in a new environment...and he cant eat before surgery...you do the math...poor guy...anyway I had better move past my bellyaching to get some invoicing done...as I am the only one here today to do it...my boss had to be kept over night for some tests on her and the babies to chart her progress more closely and get some more information on stuff I really dont have a clue about...pray for her...this is her dream...pray for me and my retartedness...I really need to put my faith back in my Father and stand in peace where I am...please pray...please please pray...anyway I do feel some better...yeah!! And I do know my God is good...no matter how stupid I am...HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER!! I am thankful!! Lata Gatas!!

I love Jesus yes I do I love Jesus how 'bout you?!?!?!?

Man this is my year of Victory but someone forgot to make it easy...what's up with that...I am fighting a battle...probably the toughest one yet...major major healing...but I am excited because I know once I beat this I will be stronger, better, more whole than EVER before...its incredible and incredibly exciting...wow I think I just figured out what I am going to talk about at the TOG meeting tonight...yipee...anyway God is moving...He is working...He is doing so much and pulling out so much hurt and damage from my heart...DID I SAY IT HURTS YET...wow...does it ever...let me say that one more again...IT HURTS...but did I also say...I AM EXCITED!!!!...man I AM EXCITED...I really really am...I already feel lighter than before and its only just begun...I cant really give away details because I dont have the words...its just a major healing from my past the things I went through as a child...and let me tell you if you think that the things you went through as a child dont affect you that they are just in the past...whoa...I'll be blunt...you are WRONG...you cant just walk away unscathed from that stuff...you can run and try to hide from it...but its there whether you are willing to accept it or not...and I promise if you face it though it is hard and it hurts...you will feel so incredible afterward...IT IS WORTH IT...SO WORTH IT...anyway that stuff will always affect you until you face it head on and give it to God peice by piece...that is what I have learned...I AM EXCITED...now ask me tomorrow if I am excited and I may tell you a different story...but today I am good...I am ready...I am excited...I am armored up...well anyway I must go because its FRIDAY and I really want to get out of here on time!!! Pray for me, for strength, for wisdom, for courage, for openness, for trust in God, for determination and endurance...to run this race to the finish...GAME ON!! I LOVE JESUS!!!

Ok I know Valentine's Day is done and gone...and lots of people want to just forget about it...but not me...now did I have some wonderful guy shower me with love and gifts...YES...but not in the way you think!!!! I spent my Valentine's evening with the love of my life ~ Jesus Christ my Savior!! We had prayer at the church and I was there on my face before God...praising Him and crying out to Him...why is that so awesome you say???...Well first of all because God is awesome and that's enough...but secondly because I was excited about spending my Valentine's Day with God...finally I have gotten completely past the need to have a guy in my life...and God keeps showing me how good it is to be where I am...and it took me a really long time to get here...a couple years ago I would have been busted over not having a date on Valentine's day...no not a date but a relationship...but now I can say with complete certaintity that I do not need that to be happy or complete or okay with myself...that is a hard place to get for a girl like me...and let me tell you that road wasnt easy...but...IT WAS WORTH IT...and I would not trade it for anything in the world...the next Valentine's day I spend with a guy I want it to be in God's timing and I want him to be my husband to be or my husband already...and I am completely secure that that will take place one day when the timing is right and both myself and my future husband are ready to take that step...you know what...God is good...let me say it this way...God is enough...I need nothing or noone else...and He has shown me that in a real way lately...I want people in my life...but I do not HAVE TO HAVE people in my life...and I think I will always have people in my life...but the point is...is that God is sufficient to cover all my needs and wants...I need to worry about nothing else...nothing else at all...and I am sooooo very very relieved about that!! Well anyway...I also had wonderful surprises from the people in my life on Valentine's Day...some people at work gave me stuff and my brothers gave me a charm and huge card and Neesie gave me this leather magazine tub I have been wanting for FOREVER and a coloring book I cant wait to color in and my favorite gum and a sweet card and my Dad gave me my favorite flowers...Carnations...and a sweet card...it was nice...I am thankful for all the things I recieved physically and spiritually this Valentine's Day!! God is good...all the time...all the time...God is good!!

It's me again...I know I could be getting good at this whole blog thing again huh...ha...last night's service was so incredible...I was so struggling...I am not exactly sure why...but I think I have it figured out...anyway...there was an altar call given in the middle of praise and worship...let me just say real quick I love how our church totally lets the Spirit lead and it's just fine to give an altar call in the middle of something if the Spirit moves...anyway so there was an altar call given for those who have parents who dont know the Lord...and let me tell you I am in youth on Wednesday nights...and I am 25...so I was not really keen on going on up to the altar in a youth service...call me proud or vain or whatever...but God toally catered to that want...I stood at my seat and just said God please see me standing here...I dont want to go up there but see me anyway...and up until that altar call I was just numb I wasnt feeling a thing...well at this point I am standing there crying and crying out to God to please see me...and He did...the next thing I know one of my friends was there praying for me and speaking into my life...that is the first time in a really really long time God used her to minister to me...and it was awesome...God spoke several things I needed to hear but didnt know I needed to hear...wow...I was weeping...it was great...I so needed that...and I wanted to continue to weep the whole rest of the service...and at the end of serice during that altar call and worship time one of the girls in the youth came up and hugged me...it was so wonderful words can not even express that she would come over to the other side of the room to reach out to me like that...and not forgetting another friend of mine that was standing right beside me all service that loved on me after I got prayed for in the beginning...this is a friend I have just started to embrace...she is definately a lover...and I think I actually like that about her...which is incredibly odd for me becuase I am not a toucher really...but she is alot like me and we like alot of the same things...well we are both very girly...I have such a girly side that I dont let out much...and alot of the times there is not someone there that is girly like me to share it with...so it will be nice to have that...I am looking forward to slowly seeing where this friendship will go...I am learning to not jump into friendships head first...becaue I hurt others that way and I get hurt as well...it is different taking things slow and getting to know someone like that...and its not even really in the physical realm but in my mind and heart that I have slowed things down...it is different...and I will admit that I am apprehensive...but we'll see where it goes...I do not know...and I do not want to plan it...lol...like I always do...anyway...I am just ever so thankful for the way God works...the way He knows me so much better than I know myself...and He knows exactly what I need before I ever even suspect...I am in awe...and last night too...I got to talk to my brother...and he was more open with me than he has been in a very long time...I just pray that I will know the correct place to stand with him...and the best way to love him and be an example to him and guide him...I am so thankful for my brothers...I have found a new awareness of the ways they bless my life lately...I have never had brother like this...that care about me and want to actually have a real relationship with me...it is very different but very wonderful too...I am loving it...God has given me back so much that I never got growing up...and you know I have only been a Daughter of the King for about 4 years...and He has done so much...I have fought really hard the battles He has placed before me and I am so glad I have been so willing to fight so hard...I hope I stay willing...anyway I realized again the other day how much he has given me through my second mom...alot of what I am able to give back to others I first got from her...she is the only one in my life that loves unconditionally...and I am so thankful...I have no idea how I could ever survive or live without her...she is amazing...and I do not give her the credit that I should...I do not give her the appreciation that I should...in fact most of the time my actions do not match my words at all...its like a trap I am in...and I know God is trying desperately to change that in me...if only I could grab a hold and get it...I hope that is one thing that will be done this year...and oh how I love music...mmmmm...okay well I must go and get this work day done...there is so much to do...until next time...God is AWESOME and He is all I will EVER need!! I love you my Father...I am so thankful for all that you do...I am sorry I do not show you more appreciation and love...I love you!!!

Well last night was prayer...man do I love prayer...but I was definately struggling some last night to just get lost in His presence...I hate when I struggle there...I was definately feeling bad about the amount of time I have spent reading my bible and spending time with God...I have not done that much lately at all...here's the funny thing...I know how awesome it is do be in the Word and spend time in God's presence...why on earth do I not make time for it...uuggghhh...there is just simply no excuse for it at all...I need to be doing it EVERY DAY...and there was a time not too long ago when I was doing it every day...but I have not been doing it ever day...maybe a couple days a week...yuck...what is up with that...I know what I am missing...I know that I could have so much more peace, confidence, joy, so much more good stuff...I have got to make that a priority...just sit down and make the time to get lost in the Word and His presence...and all else will fall into place...man I love my God so much...but I sure do a poor job showing Him on a daily basis...I am ashamed of how I have neglected Him...ok so today I am resolving to do better starting today...I will find time to read my bible and sit and visit with my Father today...ok so I havent been posting here much...it's been busy and I havent had alot to say...that is weird for me...maybe I havent taken the time to just write...anyway...we now have a place at the river...which is so exciting...it is so beautiful there...and peaceful...we were there this past weekend for a women's meeting...and that was fun...I can not wait for it to get warm so we can hang there more and really enjoy it...I hope it will be safe to swim around the pier...that will be so fun...cause we have cool floats and stuff...dude I am going to be dark this summer...hee hee...I can not wait...anyway that will be super fun...well my computer is acting crazy so I had better go...lata gatas!! God is good all the time, all the time God is good!!!

TGIF...yes as usual I am so glad it is Friday...and this weekend is BGMC weekend and I have found so much information on the country we are learning about and I am excited...I am thankful too for that excitement... and I really want BGMC this year to be light and fun and wonderful and not stressful and something I fret about...Father I need you in that...I have given this to you...BGMC is nothing without you...oh I am so excited...ideas just keep coming in...cool...well lets see the coolest most wonderful thing that has happened lately is the changes in my relationship to my brother Jared and my brother Daniel...Jared and I have made it to a whole new level of acceptance in our relationship and I never thought it would be like this...I am excited...and I cant wait to see it grow...please Father dont let either of us takes steps backwards...and Daniel and I have come back around...not full circle by any means...but things are better between us than they have been in a little while...so for that I am thankful...and I am so blessed to have brothers like them...I have never had brothers like them before...now mind you I love my older brothers...love them so much...but we do not really have a relationship...we barely even know each other...and that is terribly sad to me...and I hope and pray that one day that will change too...well that is really all I have time for right now I need to get back to work...it is Friday and the sooner quiting time gets here the better!!

I need a little moment to vent some of this fire in my belly…wow…God I don’t want to walk in sin with this…I know it would be easy to judge there…Father I need you to help me put this into perspective…its not a new battle…its not something I have come up with brand new…its an existing fight…not one that no one has ever noticed or tried to win…me and my narrow minded thinking…help me to see that, help me to not go overboard with this…help me to do with it what YOU would have me do with it…help me to have balance and know where my boundaries are…that way I do not hurt others…balance…control...not the bad kind…lol…Father I feel like there is much to learn here…help me see and be open and listen to You and obey you…right now this is consuming me…I am burning for it…I am passionate about it…and I don’t wan to loose that passion…but I want to be able to have a clear mind and put it into perspective…there are so many places I need balance…but I’m not going there today either…one day at a time…today Father help me to hear YOUR voice and know YOUR will and know YOUR way…help me to see and understand the things that YOU would have me see and understand in this…Father I need you and I need to be in prayer to you everyday…seeking guidance and wisdom for myself and others…help me to find the permanent discipline I need to stay in your WORD and to daily converse with You and be in constant communion with You…Father there are many desires…help me today to calm down and begin to find balance and perspective…I need you…In Jesus name I ask these things! Amen!

Good Morning...well this new year has started off kind of rough but strong...like there are hard things going on but I am standing stronger than ever before...it is quite interesting...I am not attacking people that are hurting me...I am actually loving them in spite of the things they do to me...it is hard...cause I want to be ugly to them...but at the same time the part of me that does not want to be ugly to them is stronger...so that is wonderful...that means the God in me is stronger than the flesh in that area right now...I am so very thankful to God for all that He gives...for all that He does...for all that He has made me...and for all that He is going to do in me this year...I know already this year is not going to be an easy year...but I want to do the things I need to do to draw closer to HIM...its all about HIM...noone else but HIM!!! My heart cries out to HIM, my heart yearns for HIM...at this point HE is all I am after...but there are still things that I desire as well...I just want HIM more...at least today that is where I am...man if I could just be more consistent in everthing I do and think and feel...that would be great...I know that I am more at peace when I am in HIS presence either seeking His face or His Spirit pouring through me to minister to someone else...I love to minister to others...and I am glad that I am finally to a point where I feel comfortable ministering to anyone...and I want to minister to anyone...and I am glad that He knows me better than I know myself...I am so thankful that He has all those things worked out and that He knows where I am going next and where He is taking me...now if I can just sit back and enjoy the ride it would be great...so many goals...He will help me mee them all if they are right for me though...my only desire the one that sums them all up would be to be better, to become more Christlike, that sums up all my goals in one...they all equal that...so that is good...be in prayer for me...I need strength, wisdom, and determination...I need to be willing to let go...and I am very reluctant to do that...always have been...and pray that I will be patient with myself and with God...my patientce runs out quickly these days...which is quite annoying...lol...but in all this I know that God's love is a healing balm...last night was prayer and I just cried out to HIM...I have cried alot lately more than I ever have in my life I think...almost daily...but last night I cried to Him...I cried so that He could have my tears...and it helped...His love flowed through me like a warm healing balm and I feel so much better today...even still facing the same circumstances as the days before...He has been my Helper, my Healer, my Friend, my Father, my EVERYTHING...and I am thankful...I am thankful for His sacrifice so that today I can feel His love and presence and strength...I am thankful that though I am not worthy He gives me everything I need freely anyway...I am thankful that I have chosen Him and He has chosen me...well that is all for now...I urge you that if you do not know Jesus you get to know Him soon...He will change your whole life and bring joy beyond any words...if you are looking for love and acceptance Jesus is the way...if you are looking for peace and guidance Jesus is the way...if you are looking for life and truth Jesus is the way...THE ONLY WAY...and His gift is free...it only takes you asking and believeing...I love you my Father...be with me today in all that I will face...help me to be the light in the darkness...In Jesus name I ask...Amen!

Good Afternoon...wow how bout this really has been a great week...no really in all circumstances but in God...though I am still not even close to being where I should be with Him...how incredible is it that He has blessed me anyway...He is just so good to me...and I NEVER deserve that...ooohhh Wednesday night in youth service(yes I really am too old to be in youth service but hey I dont care where I hear the word I just want to hear it)so anyway in youth Boo was preaching out of the "love chapter"...man I love that chapter...anyway he said try replacing the word love with God...and this is how it goes...
1 Corinthians 13
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not God, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbol. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all myseteris and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not God, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not God, I gain nothing. God is patient, God is kind. He does not envy, He does not boast, He is not proud. He is not rude, He is not selfseeking, He is not easily angered, He keeps no record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. He always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails. But where there are prophesies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And know these three remain faith, hope and God. But the greatest of these is God."

Whoa...I thought that was awesome...God is awesome...He never fails...that's the bottom line!!

No words to describe

Today at work we got some incredible news...my bosses are having twins...after more than 5 years and I can't imagine how many heartaches and heartbreaks later...twins...they are going to have twins...so I ask right off that as you read this you would immediately pray...please that these babies would make it and be healthy...she is just far enough along to be mildly comfortable sharing the news...you know I am not a mother so I can not even begin to imagine the pain she has gone through...the pain they have both gone through...I didnt know that they were trying as hard as they have been or that they have had so much pain and things happen...I am just praising God for this blessing...if anyone who is in my Sunday school class reads this...remind me to share it as a God moment...because it truly truly is...she is going to be a mother...the look in her eyes said it all...she could hardly stand in the room with us becuase she wanted to cry so bad...and she doesnt cry in front of others at all...her eyes said it all...all that I didnt even know...I had no idea until today the pain that was there...I can not believe I didnt know it...didnt see it...I can not belive I haven't been praying...well I'm praying now...I guess I need to get off the other and just pray...you know it is so hard for us to look and see what God see's...that is one of my prayers for this year...I want to look at others and immediately see what God sees...not what Tabbie would see...because guess what...what Tabbie would see isnt always good...you know and you never know what someone has been through...you dont know why someone reacts or responds they way they do...God sees the heart...God sees the hurt inside, the needs, the wants, the desires, and even the reasons for their walls...and you know I'd be willing to be that ever single person we come across that we dont like for whatever reason...just has walls put up to protect themselves...and we may never ever know why...why cant we be willing to love them anyway...to know without having to see or be given anything that they are just like us...they are human, they make mistakes, they put wall up to protect themselves, they put up defenses to feel safe...why cant I be willing to look past that...why cant I be willing to ignore that...why cant I be willing to accept people as they are and simply love...why cant I love without having to have something in return...without having to have someone respond to me in a certain way...without having to have them give back to me in some way...do we always or ever give back to Jesus for the love He gives us...I was humbled last night...God spoke to me...why would the God of this universe speak to me...why...I am not worthy of that...I am not worthy of His love...I guess it's a good thing we dont have to be...He simply loves us...He simply sees past all the defenses and walls we put up...this year I want to see people like He sees them...this year I want to love freely without having to have anything in return...man thats gonna be hard considering I am one of the most selfish people on the planet...uuuggghhh...who do I always think of first...myself...uuuggghhh...boy when you get right down to the heart of me I am down right ugly...Father change me...change me this year...I seek to be different...to be more like you...to look and see more like you...to think more like you...help me Father...continue to speak to me...Father I ask you specifically...will you make me selfless...will you purify my heart and my mind...I ask in Jesus name...Thank you Father...thank you Jesus for loving though we are unworhty to be loved...thank you Father for speaking though we are unworthy of hearing your voice...thank you Father for all you are...I know I am only seeing a glimpse of who you are...for if I were to see the whole it would be too much for me and I would surely die right there...but I look forward to seeing and knowing the whole You when I come home to Heaven...I love you Father...I love you as much as my selfish human self can love you...Help me love you more...in Jesus name I ask and pray...AMEN!!

Well...I am sort of in a quiet mood today...just too exhausted to even talk really...my mind is only functioning when it has to which is alot today at work...isnt it funny how quickly we slip in and out of moods...anyway...you know there has been so much going on in me lately...so much work to be done...so much that needs to take place...so many walls I need to tear down...how hard it is sometimes...but never once have I thought it wasnt worth it...several times I have thought of giving up...but not becuase I thought it wasnt worth it...just because I wanted to be lazy and not fight...stupid flesh...stupid sin...stupid stupid EVE...ha ha...but such is life ya know...and we can either choose to fight or choose to quit...if we choose to quit then that's it...there's nothing more...not greener grass on the other side...its too sad to think of quitting...I dont want status quo...I want more...besides I am convinced that it takes alot more energy to run from God than to allow Him to work in your life...so really quitting isnt going to give you the rest you think it is...lets talk about relationships...man do I struggle there...soooo much...I dont think I have a single relationship that doesnt take lots of work and time and effort...why...well becuase it is pretty hard to keep a relationship if you dont put time and effort and work into it...and really could you imagine your life without relationships...I like having friends and family to talk to and share things with...so I think relationships are hard yes...but just as worth is as the fight to be more Christ like...after all isnt that fight a relationship too...its a relationship with God...so yes relationships are hard and take lots of work...but I have decided that they too are worth it...I still have so much to improve upon...so much...I need to be more consistent...need to be more thoughtful...need to learn when to shut up...need to learn to be more selfless...need to take chances more...need to have more grace...need to let go more...FOR SURE...ha...yeah...God is probably the only one who gets that with me...we all need to learn how to include others more...which in all essence should be common sense and common courtesy and just plain polite...but let me tell you...me especially...man I didnt know alot of this stuff...it didnt come natural to me...but I want to learn and that has made all the difference...I learned that clicks suck and they hurt people...I have learned that you can easily include someone simply by opening up a circle of people with your body and not turning your back to someone...I have learned not to talk about doing something that is an exclusive activity in front of someone that cant do the activity or hasnt been invited to do the activity...I have learned that it is okay to do somethings exclusively but you just dont discuss it publicly...it hurts people...I have both hurt others and been hurt by this...I have learned that you have to focus on the person you are talking to and listen to what they are saying...duh I know...but this is especially hard for me being choleric and selfish...I have learned that consistency is probably one of the most important things involved in trusting someone and gaining someones trust...I have learned honesty is always the best policy...I have learned that always answering the phone if you can or always returning a voicemail is highly important...even if you cant talk long...it simply lets somone know that you care enough to acknowledge their taking the time to call and their caring enought to do so...its the least you can do...and probably the hardest thing I am learning is that feelings are not everything...sometimes how you feel means didly squat and you have to rise above and follow through anyway...and have a good attitude while you are following through...oh yes that is a hard one...all these are things I am learning and trying to put into practice...gah...its hard...and I dont do as well with any of them as I would like...I need lots more training and help in this area...but my prayer is that one day it will be natural to me and just come easily to include and love others in this way...I think it is already easier today that it was when I first started learning and trying...willingness to try is the key...willingness to see and to learn and to try and the want to include others is big...it is my prayer for this year...it is one of my goals for this year...I am going to try my very best to not leave anyone out and to try in everyway to make sure others are included in activities and such...for I know the hurt and the pain of being left out and forgotten and cast aside...well I guess that is all for now I need to get back to work...I'll leave you with a verse...Matthew 7:12 "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you..."Father with your help I know I can accomplish these things...I love you and want to draw closer to you this year!!!

THINGS TO CLING TO IN 2006

1. God is for me!
2. God is for me!
3. God is for me!
4. God is for me!
5. God is for me!
Romans 8

6. Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this, the he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

7. Romans 5:3-5 "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us -- they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."

Philippians 1:6
"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

I wouldnt go as far as to say I am confident in that but I am trying to be...at this point it is the only hope I am standing on...in this battle I am in, I have my good moments...I do not feel like I am winning or gaining any ground yet...but surely I will get better...oh please Father let me get better...complete this work in me soon...this is the hardest thing I ever remember having to do...and I still dont think I am doing it...but at least I am praying about it and seeking and open to doing it somewhat...I am terrified...but I dont know what terrifies me more...doing it or failing trying to do it...aahhh...you know it only takes me a second to switch it off...and then I feel helpless again...once I switch it off I cant seem to unswitch...blah...I told God we'd do it one day at a time...I am lacking in patience though...I am failing everyday...I guess I am just so used to making a choice to do something and then just doing it and its done...this is so not like that at all...but to talk about it one would not understand the dificulty in what I need to do...I dont think there is a single person that understands...and that sort of makes is harder...but God understands I know...and I know He'll give me strength...but there is alot of work I need to do...God help me...the only thing I have been good at lately is crying out to you...but that is it...I know that is a start but eventually you have to move on from the start to keep going...I havent gotten past the start...give me determination and will and strenght and patience and hope...help me to see victories and hold on to them to keep me going...help me to really do this...really really do this...cause I truly do not know how...and I truly can not do it without you...Father I need you so much...I know I keep telling you that...I am holding to that...and to the knowing that you want me to need you because your strength is make perfect then...help me to let go...help me to LET GO...

Well here I am again...in this choose life or die spiritually place...I am gaining strength in the choosing life area...I spent some time talking to my Neesie yesterday and last night...and today Jen has really encouraged me too...so maybe I am headed back in the right direction...there are some incredibly hard things ahead of me...somethings I really dont want to face and fight...but I have to in order to keep living spiritually...I mean I can choose to stay here and merely exist, run away completely and die...or I can choose to take another step closer to God and to what He has created me to be...to have more freedom to LIVE...I do want that freedom...more freedom...and I know now that there is more freedom avaliable...and there are many areas in which I need freedom...and there is much work and fighting to be done...so to all who read this and are prayer warriors...now is the time to pray...pray for humbleness, strength, determination, strength, oh and did I say strength...I need God's strength...and pray that I will just let go...let go of control...pray...please pray...maybe I am on the road again...at least I hope...here's to another battle, another year, another chance, to LIFE, to FREEDOM, to VICTORY, to HOPE, to staying in God's will, to choosing to fight the good fight...I love you Father, be with me and be all these things to me...In JESUS name...Amen!

"By perseverance the snail reached the ark"

Don't ya think the snail had a slow go of it...and that there were times when he wanted to stop and rest...and there were times when he wanted to give up...and there were times when it seemed much more appealing to be something else besides the snail...boy can I relate to the snail...but he persevered...and so shall I...Father help me...that seems to be my usual plea lately...but I trust you and I love you...short update today but I gotta go!

A new day dawns...isnt it funny how that always happens...without fail the sun rises again and a new day is born...I am thankful for new days...what makes those new days so wonderful is the prospect of new things and new starts...I love New Years because it brings with it a new start...well we have that everyday...the bible says His mercies are new each day...I am thankful that today I realize I do not have to wait for a New Year to start fresh...I can start frest everyday...I know I mess up alot...alot alot...I fail all the time, I fall all the time...but everyday I can pick myself up and start again...because of His forgiveness...and I dont ask for His forgiveness often enough...its called pride...its a doozy...so today Father I ask you to forgive me...forgive me for trying to do it all on my own, forgive me for ignoring you, forgive me for allowing my flesh to win out over your Spirit in me, forgive me for my selfishness, forgive me for my stubborness, forgive me for my laziness, I am nothing without You and without Your forgiveness, strength, love, grace, and mercy. I need you in every part of my life, I need you every minute of my day, I need you in every decision I make, and I refuse you in alot of those. Forgive me and help my unbelief, help my stubbornness, help me to let go and let You. That is so very very hard for me. But I want it, I cant say that I want it with my whole heart yet, cause in my stomach there is a scared, timid, I cant sort of feeling...but I know that is also something you can help me with. I just need you my Father...I need you so much...and I love you with all you have given me to love with...you are my All in All. Help me to see clearly Your will in all the decisions I need to make, and help me to see clearly the goals you have for me for this coming New Year. Thank you Father for your faithfulness you never fail us, not ever!!
Psalm 7:8,9,10 "Judge me, O Lord, according to my righteousness, according to my integrity, O Most High. O righteous God, who searches minds and hearts...My shield is God Most High, who saves the upright in heart. God is a righteous judge,..."

Happy Friday!!
Thank you Jesus that it is finally Friday and I can sleep in tomorrow...I am pooped...there is so much going on in me...so much to change, to see, to learn, but in the middle of a conversation today I realized some really big things...dont you love when that happens you are talking and you say something and its like wow...I just realized that and it came out my mouth before I even knew that I knew it...lol...anyway...I realized God has begun placing in me a desire to step out on my own...like when one leaves home to go AWAY to college...I have never had that opportunity...to leave home and move away from all the places and people that always surround me...but I have begun to think about it...where as before the thought alone terrified me...I have never been secure enough in myself to do anything like that...not even to meet new people or talk to just anyone...for example in school(elementary, middle, high, college) I wasnt confident in anything about me, not in who I was, what I knew, what I wore, the way I looked, anything therefore I stayed in a shell of "security"...I made my own security...but it wasnt the right kind of security...I realized today where that comes from...it was because I never had any security as a child unless I made it...things were always chaos, always changing, always unsafe, always unpeaceful...there was no saftey, security, or peace in my life...I never went to camp, away field trips, I didnt go off to college...the thought of that alone terrified me...I never could just talk to just anybody, or get to know them, or make friends with them...and now I can and now I am feeling drawn to the prospect of...going off to life...I actually want an opportunity to do that to know I can stand on my own away from all the people and places I have always known and been...I think that God has begun this work because my future is near...and I dont exactly know how the opportunity is going to present itself or what the opportunity will be...but I think there will be one...I think it will terrify me at first but I want to do it...I'll have to fight and push through some insecurities and some fears...but I want to...and I think it will be amazing and challenging and wonderful...it's exciting to think that maybe this desire is one step closer to my future...it makes my heart race and my chest tighten...but it is also exhilariting to entertain the thought...wow...anyway...there is just so much going on in me...struggles, fears, failures, accomplishments...like something else I realized in a conversation I had yesterday...I managed to clearly hear no in a particular direction the relationship with a guy friend was going…I have been able to stand in that no with truth and integrity…and the guy respected my choice and we remain friends…that was a first for me almost in every way…a first to listen for the no, to hear the no, to choose the no, to stand in the no with truth, and for a guy to respect it…the last part could probably be the biggest shocker of all…no guy has ever respected a decision like that especially not being able to understand it fully…which many times made it harder to stand in the no…because he is a really great guy and proved it…lol…but I know the choice I made was right…and lots of people have challenged me on it because he’s a great guy and they want to see me date and have fun…but I’m not just wanting to date to be dating or having fun…I don’t want to play with my heart or any body else’s…I want a family and a future not instant gratification...and that too is growth for me though I feel like I have stood there for a little while...so I have failed at alot and yet accomplished alot...and through it all God is still loving me, forgiving me, showing me, carrying me, challenging me, correcting me, growing me, changing me, preparing me, creating me into beauty and what I am meant to be...it is not easy...in fact I cant remember things being easy for years now...but it is worth it and I would not go back and change any of it for anything and I would not walk away from it for anything...that is why I stood my ground with the guy...because in essence I would be walking away from where I have worked so hard to get...and yeah it would be fun and sweet and great and wonderful for a little while...then I would have to break a heart get a broken heart...fight through all that...then begin rebuilding all the things I have worked so hard on already...it like building a mansion that is just exactly right...burning it down and starting over again and again and again...why...why put me through that and why drag someone else's heart through the muck doing it...when its wrong its wrong no matter how respectful, sweet, generous, cute, great, wonderful the guy is...all I can say is I see I have come so far and overcome so much to get to this point...it has been so hard and many times I didnt think I could make it...but I did...and I dont want to go back to take it forgranted or lose it or turn my back on what I have done...or especially the God, the Father, the Healer, that brought me here...that rescued me, that died for me, that fought with me through all of this...I never want to turn my back on Him...I never want to be without Him...I dont think I could survive...I dont think I could breathe...God is amazing, and "still more awesome than I know"...and if you do not have a relationship with the living God...then let me tell you...you are missing out on the greatest love of your life, the greatest journey of your life...the greatest peace you'll ever experience...the greatest joy you'll ever experience...I mean you havent experienced joy or love or peace at all if you dont know Jesus as your Savior...and if you think you have then imagine how much more so you can when it comes from your Creator...when it comes from a God that thought of you and loved you before he even created the earth...when it comes from a God that gave is only Sons life for you...Jesus died on the cross so that you would be able to know God...so that you would be able to experience His love, peace, and joy...so that you can have everlasting life...a life that is more wonderful that anything you can dream of...its as easy as asking Jesus to be the Lord of your life...asking Jesus to live in your heart, admitting you are a sinner(we all are...every single person on earth), asking Jesus to forgive you of your sins, and believing He died for you...that all...all you have to do is believe and ask...and I promise the minute you do that whole heartedly you will immediately be flooded with peace and love and freedom like you have never experienced before!!! Just do it!!!!