Current Reality

Happy Saturday! It is one of my favorite days of the week because I get to spend it with my boys!

Oh what a week we have had!

We traveled last weekend so it threw baby boy's schedule off a bit and then mommy got sick Monday night and Tuesday. Wednesday Grandma was in town and we had baby boy's 2 month check up and shots.

2 month check up:
Weight 12lbs 13.6oz
Length: 24inches

Our baby boy is growing well and doing great. I fully believe that he is teething very early and that is causing some of the fussiness he has from time to time. Poor lil guy!

Emotionally this has been a tough week for me. I know that Spiritually I am pretty dry and there are so many heavy things going on that it is the worst time to be Spiritually dry. Not that there is ever really a good time for it.

I know that I have so much work to do in my heart yet when on earth do I have the time to do it. I know I know this is everyone's battle not just mine.

I feel like life is spinning rapidly out of control. I literally feel like life is racing at the speed of light and I am here trudging along feebly trying to keep up.

But truly life is good for the most part I just have work within me that I need to be doing and I can't seem to find a spare minute to work on me. It will come I know it will though.

I feel like just when we get into a good routine and I can begin to plan some me time, something changes and that goes right out the window. lol

Not that I am complaining, it is just the way life is right now.

But I'll be honest where I am is not in a very good place. There is so much yuck in me and so much yuck coming out of me and I hate it so very much.

I do not like the person I am right now. Not at all.

It is time for a change. I need it desperately!

I need to get rid of this JUNK in my heart and mind and re-fill with Jesus, the Word, life, love, hope and all things good and positive.

That is my goal and I need to push that goal way up in my list of priorities!!

Mid week randoms

Happy Wednesday!

*My baby boy and I are home and he is napping sweetly!

*I love Wednesdays because I get to be home with him all day!!

*Fav Days in order: Saturday (family time), Wednesday (mommy baby time), Tuesdays (two hour lunch and it's my most productive day), Thursdays (I work a partial day), Friday (for obvious reasons) then poor Monday comes in dead last (besides the fact that it's Monday it's one of my LONG days at work)

*I love our house and feel very blessed to be in this home

*I am already excited about Christmas and cannot wait to start decorating this house

*I am actually excited about Halloween this year because I think we will actually get Trick or
Treaters here and we have plans to line the walk way with cute pumpkins!!

*IT FEELS LIKE FALL AND IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY

*I love our evening walks to our little downtown courtyard

*I have fallen in love with coffee all over again

*I can now eat Tuna again and can't wait for grocery shopping day

*Being a mom has cured me of laziness...I just can't be lazy any more

*I love the new Mandalas coloring trend, if I had the time I know I would be completely obsessed

*I love when my patients get excited to see me back at work, so sweet

*I just discovered that Netflix has Mr. Roger's Neighborhood and I have had it on all morning and really would love for Easton to like that show when he gets older - I still think it is a GREAT show!

*Being a mom is the hardest most wonderful thing that I have ever done!

*I wanna shop so bad (I want new clothes for me and Easton, I want makeup, I want journals, and coloring tools) yeep the shopping bug has hit me but it will just have to stop biting because there are no funds to relieve it

*Being a mommy makes me even crazier than I already was: I desire some alone time and then when I have it I spend it missing my baby = CRAZY

*Let's not even talk about the paranoia that comes with becoming a mom = INSANE

*I talk about my child all the time and post mostly pictures of him on all my social media

*I think he's waking and ready to eat = BYE NOW

It's Not Over by Ricardo Sanchez

It's Not Over - Ricardo Sanchez

Chorus

It's not over, it's not finished
It's not ending, It's only the beginning
When God is in it, all things are new, ooh, ooh
All things are new, ooh, ooh
All things are new, ooh, ooh
All things are new, ooh, ooh

Verse 1

I know it's dark just before dawn
This might just be the hardest season you've experienced
I know it hurts; it won't be too long
You're closer than you think you are
You're closer than you've been before

So look to the sky - help is on the way

Chorus 2

It's not over, it's not finished
It's not ending; it's only the beginning
When God is in it, all things are new, ooh, ooh
All things are new, ooh, ooh
All things are new, ooh, ooh
All things are new, ooh, ooh

Verse 2

Something is moving, turning around
Seasons are changing; everything is different now
Here comes the sun piercing the clouds
You're closer than you think you are
You're closer than you've been before

So look to the sky - help is on the way
Our God is faithful, He's faithful to say:

Chorus 3

It's not over, it's not finished
It's not ending, It's only the beginning
Not over, it's not finished
It's not ending, it's only the beginning

When God is in it, when God is in it,
When God is in it, all things are new, ooh, ooh
All things are new, ooh, ooh
All things are new, ooh, ooh
All things are new, ooh, ooh

Bridge

When God is in it, there is no limit
When God is in it, it's not over, it's not over!
When God is in it, there is no limit
When God is in it, it's not over, it's not over!
(Repeat)

When God is in it, there is no limit
When God is in it, it's not over, it's not over
It's not over, it's not over!

It's not over
It's not over
It's not over

Bridge 2

When God is in it, there is no limit
When God is in it, it's not over, it's not over!
When God is in it, there is no limit
When God is in it, it's not over, it's not over
It's not over, it's not over!

It's not over
It's not over
It's not over

On All Sides YET there is HOPE

There are so many things that I do not understand and that hurt.

I don't understand why people have become distant

I don't understand why my nickname has been taken from me

I don't understand why I get excluded in the little things - take that back I do understand this one, I believe it falls under the category of out of sight and out of mind.

You see we made the choice to be obedient and follow God's call to another state. We were gone for four years. In that time we did the best we could to stay connected. We traveled several times a year to see our families. We traveled when we didn't really have the time or the money to do it but we wanted to stay connected to our families. We drove 10-12 hours for just a few days of time together.

Then God called us to move back to our home state and He so graciously placed us in a place that was mostly in the middle of our families. He placed us in a wonderful community where traveling to see our families was much easier.

Yet we travel. We go.

Father, I feel like all I feel is hurt right now on all sides. I know it has always been this way in my life, never one thing at a time. It has always been multiple things at once.

I feel hurt by relationships and the distance even after almost two years of us being back. I feel hurt that they do not try to include us more and come see us more.

I feel hurt by the change in our calling and ministry.

I feel hurt for my son that he will be pushed aside (as has already happened) for someone else who gets more time with the family.

I feel hurt that we have no friends here and the friends we do have never seem to have time for us.

I feel hurt that things have to be so stinkin hard all at once.

I feel hurt.

In all of this God, I feel trust in You. Because I know that you have always loved me and always been faithful to me and that there is a reason behind all of this. I know YOU and that You have a purpose and plan in all of this and that you never let things happen without a purpose. I know you want to teach me something...well many things. I want to learn Father. I want to see what all of this means. I want to be able to pull outside of my hurt and feelings (FEELINGS LIE) and I want to see what You want me to see. I want to see what I need to correct within me and I want to see what I can learn from what I cannot control in others. I want to be better because of all of this. I want to respond instead of react.

I hurt Father. I know that you see that and know that better than anyone else. I just don't want to stay in this dark place. I want to learn and grow from it, I want to be a better person for it.

Father I want to change, I want my heart to be clean. I want to love even more and deeper even with the risk of getting hurt. I want to minister to Your people. I want to find our place again. I want to glorify You and point people back to You. I want to move forward.

It's Not Over.
(Song It's Not Over Ricardo Sanchez)

Cycling through

I find myself cycling through different levels of what I hope is healing from a major hurt. 

Currently I am in the Anger & Disgusted stage.

This is not the most pleasant place to be in. I do not enjoy it at all.

I can now say...I AM ANGRY! I am angry and hurt and disgusted with the way things went. I am just so angry!

I know there is ugliness in my heart and I hate that so very much. I have never felt disgusted like this before and I don't like it. And this makes me angry too, to find myself in this place.

I am just to the point of being able to say these things out loud and my hope is that this is progress of some kind. I don't really know because I have never walked here before.

I want to forgive, heal and move on. I want the ugliness that is in my heart to be gone.

I know that anger is a cover emotion for the hurt and disappointment I feel. 

Lord, I give my heart back to you, please help me process this and please clean my heart again! I need you. In Jesus' name, amen.

My heart...My Son...All Pics

Wrap Me In Your Arms

Lord I fail you so often yet at every turn you are still there arms wide open.

This is one of the things I want people to know about my Heavenly Father. In a world so full of conditions and harsh judgments there is a God who is Judge but is loving and kind and wants the very best for his children and is always always waiting for them to come to Him so that he can LOVE and HOLD and HELP and COMFORT.

Why is it so hard for us to turn to him first. Why is it so easy for me to walk away. Why do I neglect Him over and over..and why and how can He still be there waiting for me with Absolute Unconditional Love?

It is hard for my human mind and heart to comprehend because I live in a world of conditional love and brokenness and sin. It is hard to fathom that there really is someone who will ALWAYS love you no matter what you do or don't do.

We humans certainly struggle to love that way and often times we remove our love based on some condition we have set for people and we have no idea that we are even doing it. When others do not perform the way we expect or demand. When others fail us. When people, human people, fail us we remove our love. It is common place in our world.

This is not how God loves. He loves without condition. He never leaves us or forsakes us.

I have experienced this over and over and over and over again.

How many of us would walk away if our spouse cheated? Yet how many times do I cheat on God?

How many of us would walk away if someone we loved stopped talking to us or spending time with us? Yet how often do I completely neglect God, I don't talk to him or spend time with him, yet He is still there waiting.

How many of us would stick around someone who constantly doubted what we can do? Yet how many times do I doubt what God says, promises even?

I didn't sit down today to write such an in your face post, in fact it was going in the opposite direction but here it is what God is speaking to my heart and it hurts to type it and it hurts to read it and it hurts to know that it is all true about me

Life gets busy. Life IS hard. Life HURTS. I am so exhausted and worn out from life that I don't shower some days, there are days I don't eat any real food until dinner time. I stay in the same pajamas many days in a row. I have bitterness and ugliness in my heart toward people who have hurt me. This is the ugly truth. This is what God wanted me to see this morning, this and...

He is screaming....no WHISPERING as only God can do...I AM HERE DAUGHTER, I AM RIGHT HERE, I AM WAITING FOR YOU TO RETURN TO ME, I AM WAITING TO HEAL YOU, I AM WAITING TO GIVE YOU REST, I AM HERE RIGHT HERE. HOW I LONG TO HOLD YOU AND ROCK YOU AND SOOTHE YOU. COME TO ME DAUGHTER AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST AND RESTORATION. I AM HERE, IT IS NOT TOO LATE, YOU HAVE NOT STRAYED TOO FAR.

As I sit here with the baby monitor turned up watching my baby boy sleep the image that pops in my head as God said those words to me is the middle of the night feedings when I am quietly rocking my baby boy and feeding him(soothing him), he's curled in my arms on my lap and he is peaceful, he knows that mama is there, he feels my arms around him, he's enjoying the warm milk from the bottle, he's wrapped up nice and warm, he feels my breath on his forehead and he knows that he is safe and home.

That is what God longs for us to feel. To allow ourselves to be wrapped up in His arms safe and home. With all the world still spinning around us in all of its darkness and strife.

"THERE IS A GOD WHO LOVES ME
WHO WRAPS ME IN HIS ARMS
THAT IS THE PLACE WHERE I'M CHANGE
AND THAT'S WHERE I BELONG
TAKE ME TO THAT PLACE, LORD
TO THE SECRET PLACE WHERE
I CAN BE WITH YOU
YOU CAN MAKE ME LIKE YOU
WRAP ME IN YOUR ARMS
WRAP ME IN YOUR ARMS
WRAP ME IN YOUR ARMS"
~ Michael Gungor

Thank you Lord for wrapping me up just now. I need you so much. I wanna stay wrapped in your arms all day everyday.

Friendship

Friendship is one of the most important aspects of life...I know that now.

It was so easy to take advantage of it when I had easy access to my friends daily or weekly...even monthly.

However I have learned in this last year and a half how important friendship is and how easy it is to take advantage of and how difficult it is to be without friends close by.

When Mr. Wonderful and I moved back to our home state from Missouri, the state we'd lived in for four years at that point, we knew we were leaving some of the best friends we had ever had.  It was one of the hardest things we have ever done and in the days, weeks, months and year and a half since it has become harder and harder to be without those precious friends in our life.

What has taught me the importance of friendship the most is the lack of friendship here.

I am typically pretty slow to make friends, especially after a big transition, I tend to fight my my introverted nature to reach outside of myself and make connections. But eventually I need friendships so much that I can pull outside of myself to make them.

We have been in our new community a year and a half and we have yet to make any lasting connections. And to be honest that has been really really hard. It makes us miss the wonderful friends we have in MO even more. We get to see them rarely yet we keep in close touch.

We appreciate them now more than ever.

We have tried and made connections only to have to connections taken away from us for one reason or another.

Currently we are in search of a new church and in prayer that with that will come Godly and lasting friendships. Fellowship with others who are like us is so vital in our lives.

Just this year I have had moments that have opened my eyes so widely to that.

We traveled back to MO for a beautiful baby shower and we were showered in our friendships in that process. We stayed with our great friends for the weekend and I was able to have breakfast with my BFF and coffee with my Bestie (our titles). Those moments are absolutely priceless to me.

Sitting across the table with my friends who love me unconditionally and know me in all my ugliness and struggle and supporting and loving me in my pregnancy was unbelievable.

My most vivid memories included:

Coffee with my Bestie who is also in ministry and being able to tell her my struggles and knowing that she can understand like no other because she understands ministry and she knows me and my heart so well. I can never thank her enough for that time, that precious time however brief that it was...it was life giving.

Or riding in my BFF's car as we chatted and went here and there just being near and sharing our lives together, it is so easy to be with her, she too knows me and my heart and accepts me completely. She has been with me through every up and down, she has listened and she has allowed me to be a taker in our relationship so much over the past year, she understands my heart and where I have been. Just being with her was life giving....precious precious time.

It's those most mundane moments those everyday or just one on one moments that I truly miss the most.

I miss just being able to be together and share moments together. I miss my friends.

I am praying that new relationships are on the way for us, but I will hold tight to the precious friends we have far away and I will cherish them completely. I know what a true treasure they really are.

We aren't the only ones...

In the recent changes in our life and ministry I have learned a new lesson.

I am not the only one who can affect my calling.

What I mean by that is that there are many involved in the call God places on my life, now this I have always understood, however what I have recently understood from the last ministry position we held is that others can affect or change that calling.

My husband and I know beyond a shadow of doubt that we were called to our last church by God and that we were supposed to be there to minister for years to come.

So to say that we were heartbroken when God released us from the church and led us to move on is an understatement. 

This was not how things were supposed to go. 

However God was not surprised by this turn of events and He is faithful in every way! He has walked with us and given us his hand to hold, his Word to breathe life back into us and his Wisdom to glorify Him even in a situation that is very difficult and very heart breaking.

We have peace that we did what He asked us to do, we went when he said go and we gave all we had to give and then we kept trying to give more and more and at every turn we were shut down. There was nothing WE could do about that. 

Others affected our calling and it is a new lesson for me that this is possoble yet I now know it to be true. 

When you have done all God has asked you to do, when you have given every songle thing you have to give, when you have believed, prayed and fasted for change then it is out of your hands. 

There was the possibility for the ending to be different, I believe God gave every chance. I know we were absolutely not perfect, God did not call us to be, but I know when did all He asked and we tried long after He was telling us...it's ok, it's over, you are free, let go.

I believe we were released long before I was even willing to hear that, because this was not the call we heard and this was not the way it was supposed to go. But it's okay, God knows, God sees, and God is not surprised. 

He still has a calling for us and I know after some time of re-building we will minister again. 

He will call us, He will open a door and we will answer his call and we will have a vision of what it will look like (a limited vision as we are mere humans) and we will move forward fully and completely without reservation and holdong nothing back even with the new understanding that we may do all we are asked to do and we may give all we are called to give and we may do this right and good as much as human vessels can and in the end others may choose not to accept or allow these things. 

We will give everything even with the understanding that we are not the only ones who affect our calling and sometimes God shifts the tracks and leads us in a different direction because the direction we were called to go has been altered by others and is stealing the life and breath from us.

You see ultimately it is God who is in control and though we and others affect the call it is God who is leading the way and directing the path and shifting the tracks. He knows when it is time to change direction. 

Our track has been shifted, for a moment I considered just jumping off the train all together, I was tired, I couldn't understand why nothing was changing, I couldn't stop running into the stone wall over and over until the very life had been beaten out of me & God saw and said..ENOUGH, THAT IS ENOUGH IT IS TIME TO GO NOW IT IS TIME TO CHNAGE DIRECTION AND IT IS OKAY.

It took me a while to understand that I had not failed, I had given everything I had and that was what God asked and called me to do. The end results were not up to me. 

And ultimately it is God who leads us. 

None of this is easy and it certainly isn't they way we expected things to go, but we are not the only ones involved in our calling and now I understand that we aren't the only ones who affect that calling and that is okay because it is God who leads and he is with us and He Has A Purpose and Plan for us and A Future for us.

I trust you Lord even when I control nothing! It is okay.

Life Update 8.21.15

So wow...I am a Parent!! That's right I have a SON!!

Easton Martin Trotter was born July 15th, 2015 at 9:30am via C-Section (he was breech). He weighed in at 8lbs 3oz and was 19.5 inches long. His cry was the most amazing sound I have ever heard!

Currently it is nap time for our sweet 5 week and 2 day old baby boy and mommy is enjoying a moment of quiet after a few rough hours.

Oh the many emotions of motherhood. Seriously no one can ever really prepare you for the craziness that is being a mom.

Paranoia, exhaustion, I want space and then I miss him like crazy, happy, sad, oh the many feelings.

Oh and the mess...heavens the mess!! The poop and the spit up and the slobber and the pee and the leaking boobs!!

But oh the sweet moments that more than make up for all of the difficult moments. When that baby boy looks at me or smiles or cuddles into me...I don't care one bit that just this morning I was covered in spit up or poop or peed on. I don't care that he cried for 20 minutes straight because his tummy hurt and there was little I could do but hold him while he struggled. I don't care one bit that he woke up in his car seat while I was pumping and clawed his face to the point of bleeding (yeah that made me feel like a horrible mom)!

So our days are full of ups and downs of trying to figure each other out and I am absolutely loving every single moment, even the difficult ones, even when I am so tired and exhausted and I don't want to see another dirty diaper.

Being a mom is the absolute HARDEST thing I have ever done but it is equally the most AMAZING thing I have ever experienced too and I am so thankful for every single moment. I am so thankful for every cry and smile, for every snuggle and dirty diaper, for every sleepless hour that I stare into my baby boys eyes.

I am so honored that God chose us to be this little boy's parents and I love watching him grow. It doesn't make me sad at all to see him grow and change for I know that is exactly what God created him for. I love seeing him do new things and get stronger and bigger everyday!

I would not trade this time for anything!

So life these days are filled with nursing and bottle feeding, changing diapers, rocking, singing, tummy time, naps, pacifiers, snuggles, washing clothes, sorting through clothes to find what fits and does not fit, working toward transitioning to formula before I go back to work and he goes to daycare, working on napping without being rocked so hopefully his transition to daycare is easier, short walks outside, pumping, and just soaking up every single moment as we watch this amazing little happy boy grow.

He is a joy, he is laid back, he likes to eat and sleep and struggles to poop, he likes to rock and he has already rolled over (belly to back) FOUR times, he nurses well but likes the bottle too, he loves to be swaddled, he adores his Daddy and has five of the best grandparents that love him sooo much.

His eyes are still blue but Daddy and Boo think they are beginning to turn green, mommy hopes they stay blue like Daddy's.

At his One Month check up he weighed 10lbs 1oz and was 22.5 inches long and is doing great!

We are beginning to figure each other out and are settling into a pretty good routine, he eats about every 3 hours (4oz), he is usually awake from 30 mins to an hour after he eats and then he fights sleep and finally naps. He is sleeping anywhere from 2.5-3 hours at night.

Life is fun and sweet and exhausting and we wouldn't change a thing!

Marshall is still loving his job and they love him. He is an amazing Daddy and to see those two together just does something in-explainable to my heart! Marshall works so incredibly hard and then comes home and works on the yard or takes the baby or washes dishes, he is so Wonderful. On Friday nights he takes the night shift so mommy can rest (we've just started this so mommy is adjusting).

In June we stepped down from our position at the church...it was such a difficult decision but it brought so much freedom and life back to us. Sunday we visited a new church, we liked it but are not committed yet. We know that we will have a time of re-building before going back into ministry and what that will look like we have no idea. We know God has a plan for us and that He is with us all the way, in the good and not so good. We are very saddened and surprised at how our last position turned out and that it had to end like it did, that was not what we expected but we know that God is teaching us so much through it all. We know that there is hope and a future for us.

We love our home and this area and we cannot wait to see what God has in store for our sweet little family.

Broken vs. Whole

This weekend I saw once again the clear differences between children brought up in broken homes vs. whole homes.

I recognized a new that broken homes create a feeling of unsafety that is quite lasting in the hearts and lives of the children.

I recognized many things in my own 33 year old self who came from a very broken home but has had the incredible honor to be a part of a whole family for the last ten years.

As I shared my home with three teenagers I saw a clear dividing line between the two of us who are from broken homes and the two that are from whole homes.

The many differences included:

Safety vs. Danger

Secure vs. Insecurity

Freedom vs. Captivity

The differences hit me so clearly and brought about a brand new realization that having a mom and a dad who stay committed to each other and their families makes all the difference in the lives of their children and I’m sure the difference is felt in their own lives as well.

And even though I have been so incredibly blessed to be a part of a whole family this last ten years the effects of my broken childhood are still quite lasting and that is surprising and yet not surprising to me.

What a difference a firm foundation makes in the Entire lives of children. Wow!

I am thankful for the healing that has occurred in my life in the last decade but I wonder if there are things that will be part of who I am that stem from my childhood years.

I believe that God can change and heal completely and believe that He is doing that In my life and heart still to this day but what a difference that foundation makes in the journey. I would likely have very different battles to fight yet still battles.

My thoughts are rambly but I am just astounded. 

When the thief comes...

John 10:10 - "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

The Bible tells us that we have an enemy and that he is out to steal from us, kill our hopes and dreams, and to destroy us.

And lately I feel like the enemy is after us in full force...like never before.

When the thief comes...

There are memories that are permanently etched into my memory and heart and I believe they are for times like these when the enemy is trying his hardest to take us out.

I remember one morning after an all night sleepover while I was holding an upset and exhausted precious child...a little girls slips her arm around mine as she was sitting next to me on the bus and she looks up at me with the sweetest most precious face ever, she squeezes me close and says..."Pastor Tabbie, I think you can make anyone on earth happy."

A moment I'll never forget.

I remember years and years ago during a Christmas play practice on a Sunday a little girl climbed up into my lap and release all the breath she had...as if she had been holding her breath for months...and she wrapped her arms around me and just lays her head against my chest and falls asleep. This young one no long had a mama and for just a moment of her life God allowed me to wrap my arms around her and hold her as peace overtook her so she could just REST.

A moment I'll never forget.

I remember moments when I felt I had absolutely NOTHING to give and God would open a door in a teen's life and allow me to pour Him out into their hearts. Countless hugs, countless conversations, countless altar prayers, countless tears.

Moments that are etched across my heart for eternity.

So when the thief comes along to steal my calling, to kill my dreams, and to destroy all I have these precious memories and moments to anchor me back to the Hope of Jesus Christ and to remind me of the reason I take every breath that I take.

Hebrews 6:19 - "We have this Hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure."

I was born to love people. I was born to pray for, challenge, share, hug, love, teach, pour out all of me into the lives of others so that they can have life abundantly and eternally.

There have been moments lately that I thought the enemy just might have won...and yet I cannot allow that. I cannot allow him to slow me down, time is too precious, lives are too important to God to let that happen.

If I can spend the rest of my life loving and ministering to people then I will reach Heaven fully depleted and poured out then I will have fulfilled my calling.

That is all I want.

I want to pour my life out until there is nothing left to pour.

I don't want to be tricked or deceived. I don't want the thief to steal or kill or destroy.

Rough Waters & Peace that transcends ALL understanding.

You can never really know what lies ahead...

We are in some rough waters right now, waves, winds & debris that we just did not see coming...but my God is not surprised by our storm at all.

In the midst of our storm I still get to teach and preach and it is truly an unbelievable thing...Sunday I taught about Peace and how Jesus stands GUARD of our Heart when we take our struggles and storms to Him in prayer.

I had the picture in my head of Jesus standing guard of my own heart in all of His perfect armor and fighting off the enemy of my heart.

I know that is the only reason that I am even standing at this point. I know that Jesus is indeed standing GUARD of my heart and providing a Peace that truly transcends all understanding.

My lack of emotion in this storm is evidence enough of Jesus standing GUARD! Anyone who knows me at all knows that emotions run STRONG in this woman's heart and so the fact that I have not gotten caught up in this recent storm we are facing is most certainly JESUS!! ALL JESUS!

There are just things that you can't know ahead of time and if you did you would not find yourself learning to STAND and being GUARDED by Jesus himself.

I for one am quite thankful that we could not see ahead as I know that if we could things would likely be different than they are right now and I know that we are standing where we are supposed to be standing. I believe that with all of my heart. I really do.

Standing in the midst of a storm is not easy. Think about hurricane force winds and rain that pelts against you and drenches you. Think about rising waters and large powerful waves. Think about lightning that knocks you right off your feet! Flying debris. No, standing in the midst of a storm can ONLY be done if JESUS IS STANDING GUARD.

I am beyond thankful for my Jesus and His love and protection and strength and wisdom and hope.

I do have Peace. I do have Hope. It doesn't make sense at all that I am able to have these things except that Jesus offers them freely to all who will receive.

Rough waters. Winds. Debris.

Storm.

PEACE.

HOPE.

JESUS.

Love...

I have been focused on LOVE these days and well let's face it...I have been focused on LOVE for a long long time.

Hence the title of my blog...Love's Journey

Love is what pulled me out of the mire.
Love was my soft place to land.
Love was my cushion during correction and learning.
Love held my hand.
Love became my name.
Love drove me on.
Love held me up.
Love cushioned my falls.

Through it all Love has Never Failed.

I grew up scared and uncertain. I made a lot a lot of really bad choices, choices based off my environment and the things I had learned in that environment. I made choices out of ignorance and blindness. Yet even in those dark years when I did not know or live for God, HE LOVED ME and HIS LOVE protected me.

I was rescued by God in my early early 20's and that is when the serious battles for myself began. I battled addictions, I battled insecurities, I battled ignorance, I battled memories and past hurts - heart shattering hurts. Yet God's Love pulled me through and is what gave me the hope and strength to not give up and to keep fighting even when I could have stopped at good enough. His love and His love through others rescued me from drowning in defeat and brokenness.

When my journey began to shift toward dreams being realized it was Love that paved the way for a brand new road, one that I had never before traveled. Several roads actually that I had never traveled. And when fear and doubts threatened to over take me it was LOVE that held me tight and whispered reassurance into my heart.

And now when I stand in one of the hardest places I have ever before stood (how is it possible to even say that after all I faced - yet it is true) I know it is LOVE that is helping me stand firm and not give up. I know that it will be LOVE that makes the difference here.

LOVE NEVER FAILS.

Love has not failed me. Love will not fail those I am called to give it to. Love Never Fails.

So as I sit here the morning after a really really hard Wednesday night with our kids, the kids we were called here to shepherd. As I sit here at the end of another month that has been difficult, another month that I stand confused and crying out to God begging Him to help me as I have no idea how to stand here, how to change the direction that these kids are going in, no idea how to fight what we are fighting, no idea how to make them care, no idea how to get to where I want to be with them...I do know one thing...LOVE NEVER FAILS...for it has been proved in my life and in so many other lives around me.

I was loved when I was so very unlovable. I was changed by that love. I was not given up on even when I know it was so incredibly hard and I know my family wanted to give up on me because it definitely would have been the easiest thing to do. God loved me every time I turned my back on Him and every time I tried to take matters back into my own hands. God loved me when I did not care. He has NEVER stopped loving me and He calls me to love the same way.

We are facing a battle that we have never faced before. We are standing in a place that we have never stood before.

God is calling us to STAND FIRM and LOVE.

We WILL NOT be perfect. But we WILL stand. We WILL love. We will seek God and continue to follow Him and let Him guide us. WE CANNOT DO THIS WITHOUT HIM!

We know that we are exactly where God has called us. No we did not know that it would be this hard and that we would face what we are facing now. BUT WE WILL STAND AND WE WILL LOVE. We will not give up. We will not back down. We will not run away. We will not take the easy road.

Father, I need you like never before. You are all we need and all we have. I do not want to fail these kids Lord. I do not want to let them down. I do not want to get weary or give up. I have no idea what to do but I know that I have you and I know that you've asked me to stand and to love unconditionally. Help us Lord, help us to stand and to LOVE bigger than we ever have before even WHEN it hurts so bad that I can't even breathe. Help us to love bigger even when it is not received or even cared about. Help us to love without expecting anything in return. Help us to LOVE LIKE YOU LOVE. I beg you Father for YOUR Wisdom and your Guidance. Father you have ALWAYS ALWAYS been faithful to us and I know with all my heart that you will continue to be faithful to us. Help us to bring You glory in all that we do, even when we mess up. I love you Lord and I trust You. In Jesus strong name. Amen.

NEW NEW NEW

So the newest new thing is....I have an official part-time job!!

You know when you are just cruising along in life and all seems to be going well and then the bottom drops out of something and it is completely outside of your control.  Well I had that moment back in May the weekend of Mother's Day when I lost the job I had been working since February.  It was one of the most unfun and heartbreaking things I have experienced since we moved back home to Bama.  However it happened and we handled it the best way we knew how praying all the while that we did it in love and God was glorified to the best of our ability.

So since then I have been at home a little down but loving getting to be at home. However as much as I love getting to be at home, our financial plan to pay off debt and save for a house was abruptly interrupted just as we were getting started so we knew that I could not just continue to stay at home. Yet with our job at the church and our calling to be pastors we knew that I could not work full-time. So we began the search for what seemed to be the impossible to find perfect job, with great pay and perfect hours.

I began to seek the Lord and tell Him the things that we needed and desired and day by day I gave it over to him. Every time I found nothing listed on craigslist or the many job finding sites I was searching I would stop pray and give it to him. Now keep in mind that we were doing alright financially we were just making ends meet and I loved being at home, so that all helped in the not panicking and worrying department, trust me I am normally NOT that patient and easily redirected!

Then one day I got a call and had an interview. The interview went great but the job just wasn't right. The hours were long and the pay was uncertain and as much as we wanted it to work it just wasn't going to. We were both pretty bummed.

Then the search kicked into high gear and still came up empty.

Then over the 4th of July weekend I got a call from the great interview job and they had decided to change up the hours and wondered if I could come back in for a second meeting to discuss the new details to see if they would better fit for all of us!  They now wanted me part-time! I went back in and almost immediately knew that God was working things out.  I was allow to basically choose the hours that I wanted to work and they had increased the pay for my position and I found out that I would get to wear scrubs, which is something that I prayed for when I knew I was going in to talk about part-time hours. It was just one of those things that I felt would be such a cool and comfy bonus!!

I left the meeting and drove straight to hubby's work and could not wait to fill him in!! God had specifically answered our prayers. Perfect hours, great pay and the bonus of SCRUBS (that the company pays for)!!!

Less than an hour after the meeting I accepted the job and I am loving it. There is alot to remember but there is so much potential for human interaction which I desperately need and advancement and joy and there are so many benefits for me having this job!!

I was pretty much on my own today and it went great!! It was so busy and I had so much fun interacting with patients and learning to do the job on my own. I challenged myself to do as much as I could without asking questions and it went really well!!

I love the people I work with and the patients I get to see everyday and the scrubs I get to wear and the hours that I get to work!

God always comes through.  I had some really great recovery time at home and now I have a really great job that is going to be more and more wonderful as the days go by!!

God is faithful. He just really is so thoughtful and loving and takes care of our needs and wants!

Thank you Lord. Thank you. May I bring you Glory in all I do!

Refighting Battles

Let's face it...in our lives we have battles to fight. Personal battles, family battles, all kinds of battles!

And I find that there are times when you just have to re-fight some battles.

I am currently re-fighting and relearning a battle. I find that I pour absolutely all of me out to others and I tend to have these expectations of what the receipt of that will be and I find that I am disappointed. And it truly is silly silly things that I expect and desire and don't get.

So within myself I am re-fighting that battle and fighting to get back to the place where I can pour out and not expect ANYTHING in return.

In my head I know that the reason to pour out my love is not to receive something in return but I am human and I do find myself getting caught in that trap of disappointment and heartbreak.

I suppose I just want to re-learn and win this battle again!

Such is life...re-learning and re-fighting battles.

Lord, I give you this battle that I am currently re-fighting and I ask you to help me to learn what You want to teach me in this. Help me to love unconditionally. I truly desire a greater capacity to love! In Jesus name. Amen.

#FamilyOfJesus

New! The Family of Jesus Bible Study by Karen Kingsbury.www.lifeway.com/familyofjesus

But what is God's will?

Often times we find ourselves wondering...What is God's Will for our lives?
And then we wonder...How can I know God's will?

Romans 12:1-2 tells us - "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this if your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."

We have to allow or minds to be transformed by being in God's Word so that we can be free of the world and ourselves to know what God's will is.

So often I forget that God spent years building this amazing book just for me to know how to live this new life that He has given to me. He did save me and leave me hanging like I so often feel...He prepare the way for me FULLY and I am the one who chooses NOT to use the tools that He has already provided. I am the one who chooses to crave instant gratification instead of walking the way God planned for me to walk. He gave me the tools and prepared the way and I so often choose to whine and complain that I don't hear Him or don't know what He wants for my life...yet it was laid out before me so long ago in preparation for my needing to know His thoughts and His heart.

I want my mind to be transformed. I want to know His will. I want to know who I am in Him. Yet I neglect to read His Word and soak up all that He prepared for me. His Word is LIVING and ACTIVE it will speak to me right where I am any time and in any situation if I read it.

This is my DUH moment for today, just thought I would share.

Saturday Randoms

Happy Saturday!!

>We picked up our girl Ronni today and she will be here with us until we all go to Mobile Thursday!!
>Both LouLou and Hubs are napping right now...and Tater too
>I am making yummy fried chicken tonight - I'm actually getting pretty good at cooking some things
>I am so excited to have LouLou here this week...it will be such a nice change
>Snoring is one of my favorite sounds...it's very peaceful to me
>Hubs is asleep and I haven't changed the TV from the soccer game...I must be getting used to all the sports in our life!
>Tomorrow will be our 6th week without children's church due to the sanctuary renovation...I am so ready for children's church...but the break has been really nice too...but I MISS MY KIDS AND TEACHING THEM!
>I am so in need of a pedicure
>I am seriously considering cutting my hair off again
>I am wearing both of my wedding rings again...I have not been able to do this for a while because my fingers are quite short and I had gained quite a bit of weight
>I have lost about 25lbs since we moved back to Alabama
>I am currently at a stand still on the weight loss though
>We have some new neighbors...they seem quite a bit unstable...it so makes me want to never have neighbors when we buy a house
>I need my home to be my safe and peaceful place...crazy neighbors hinder that a bit
>I have been slowly going through storage boxes and it has been fun going through old pictures and seeing my life's journey through pics!
>LouLou is awake...time to post and go

#FamilyOfJesus

We have a deep, desperate need for salvation, and we require someone bold to tell us the truth. Truth is love.