Thursday, March 13, 2008

And so it FINALLY begins...

Busy season...

I love this time of year because the trips and action begins...

Tomorrow is our first trip to camp for this year with the kids...

It's JBQ Semi-Finals at Springville Camp - and its supposed to be warm!! I am so excited!!! We have not had JBQ in months so it's double exciting. Quizzing, games, service, food, and CAMP!!! And we get to stay in the lodges!! Woot woot, I love the lodges so much better than the cabins. Better bathroom, it's all about the bathroom and shower. It is going to be so much fun. I hope I get lots of great pictures to share with you guys too!! I so love this every year, I have a great time coaching and encouraging the kids, we always have the most incredible service on Friday nights, and then fun in the rooms before lights out!! Oh I love it!! I cant wait. And to top it off I get to sleep late tomorrow too!! Oh yea!!! Sleeping in before camp is always Wisdom!
Next up we have the Easter Egg hunt...
I can not wait I can not wait I can not wait!!! It is going to be so fun!!!

I have spring fever like crazy and I am so looking forward to heading home this afternoon and throwing open the shades and letting the sunlight into my little quaint apartment and getting busy washing and packing for camp. Oh my goodness I am so excited!!

Youth convention is also coming up - another short trip to camp!!!

I love love love love love love love love love love love this time of year and the opportunities to spend more personal time with the kids and youth. The ministry opportunities to touch other kids and youths lives. I have to tell you I know this is the very reason God created me. He created me to serve Him in ministry and I am so excited about that. I love it. I live for it. I love being Called to it!!

p.s. I know my last post was very strong, but I SO needed to feel that strongly about things.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

WoW

Wow
So I have had one of the hardest weeks I have had in I cant even tell you how long...
Heart Break after Heart Break
And today I was standing in the back of Children's Church watching these kids that I love so much during worship - we were singing "Becasuse of who You are" and suddenly I re-understood - My praise to God has nothing to do with my situation whether it is good or bad at the time - I praise and worship God because He IS good in EVERY situation - good or bad.

We have so become a society of feelings - I dont feel like doing this or I dont feel that - I dont feel loved, I dont feel safe, I dont feel like I can trust, I dont feel like I should, feel feel feel feel feel - well let me tell you feelings lie and feelings are a major way that the enemy uses us in his destruction. It is not about what we feel it is about the Truth we know.

Truth comes from our loving Heavenly Father. In the words of Barlow Girl at Winter Jam '08 "I believe in love even when I do not feel it, I believe in the Sun even when it is not shinning, and I believe in God even when I cannot hear him."

It is not about us or what we feel it is about truth and doing what God tells us to do. He has written us a book to help us so there is no excuses any more. Not feelings, not lack of knowledge, our only excuse is ourselves.

We allow the lies in our lives to control us and keep us in the same place. We allow the feelings and events that take place to hold us back. Its a choice, we can either allow the lies and the feelings to hold us back or we can actually seek God with all of our hearts and actually devote time to Him and His Word and grow and change no matter how hard and we can actually choose to love and trust even when we have been absolutely CRUSHED over and over and over again.

What if Jesus had decided - nope I have been hurt to much and I cant trust any of these people, so nope I am not going to do what the Heavenly Father created me to do. Nope it hurts too bad and I dont know how and I dont understand why the things that have happened have happened so I am just done. Well wouldnt we all be up the creek. Where would we be? Well where are those going to be that God has planned for us to minister to and be a light to, where are they going to be when we decide it is too hard to change or too hard to trust or too hard to move past the hurt that has been caused to do what God has created us to do? Where are they going to be?

You know what its not about me. We no longer have a choice what we do with our lives. When we give our lives to Christ - who does it belong to? It does not belong to you anymore.

So honestly who cares that my heart was broken and I mean literally shattered multiple times this past week. Who cares how hard I cried or that NOONE saw me when I hurt or that NOONE but one could even help me carry my burden. Who cares that those I love the most hurt me the most. Who cares that the week and everything in it was a struggle and bad thing after bad thing happened that was beyond my control. Who cares that I was exhausted beyond words but still had to give because I have always been the strong one and people can not handle my weakness. Who cares. None of that matters one bit.

I will continue to love and continue to trust and continue to change and grow. I will not allow any of this to hold me back. Because I gave my life to Christ and He has called me to LOVE, to TRUST, to HOPE, to change, to heal and to grow and minister in spite of my self and my circumstance and the condition of my feelings or heart. Christ is not asking us to do anything that He himself has not already done.

It's time to stop making excuses. It's time to stop knowing what needs to be done but not doing it. It's time actually be in love with God instead of this world. Its time to stop allowing our insecurities and issues be our excuses and GROW UP in Christ. Like it cant be done. Come on now. Who are we kidding? NOONE but ourselves. It is time.

COMFORT IS NOT AN OPTION. Who cares if you feel like it or not - make time for Quiet time with the Lord - read His word He spent years writting, pray and ask Him for the things you need, and LISTEN, He has things to tell you. Who cares if it makes you uncomfortable or if you have to give up time on the internet, or with friends, or in front of the TV, or if you have to give up sleep. Who cares.

I will not allow any excuses. I will not allow this past week of hurt and pain to do anything but shove me toward God and change and grow and become more of who He created me to be. You know that everytime you go through something God can teach you something from it.
So how about looking at hardships as getting closer to God and actually looking for the learning in it. You know what life is deep, not shallow. Get out of the shallow. God wants to be in everything. You know what I would even venture to say if you feel super spiritual then you are more than likely on a better path than everything being shallow. God wants to be in everything and be your everything. So I dont care who thinks I am "super spiritual", I would rather be that than shut God out cause that is what the World is comfortable with.

I am not sorry if I said something in this blog that makes you uncomfortable or mad. You might just want to look at and closely examine what did make you uncomfortable or mad. It's probably something you need to work on.

Get up, Get going. ITS TIME TO STOP MAKING EXCUSES. BROKEN HEARTS, PAIN, BROKEN TRUST, FEELINGS - THESE ARE ONLY EXCUSES THAT YOUR ENEMY IS USING TO HOLD YOU BACK - ARE YOU GOING TO ALLOW THAT? ARE YOU GOING TO CONTINUE TO ALLOW THAT?

I AM NOT!

Yes I am exhausted
Yes I am tired of everything in my life being a battle
Yes I am hurt
Yes my heart has been broken

BUT I WILL ALLOW GOD TO GROW ME AND CHANGE ME AND I WILL NOT ALLOW THESE THING TO BE EXCUSES OR TOOLS THAT THEN ENEMY USES.

I cover this blog in Jesus name. Amen!

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

LACK OF SLEEP = NO GOOD IN MANY WAYS

I HAVE DECIDED THAT I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT DO WELL WITHOUT PROPER SLEEP
I DONT THINK AS CLEARLY:
IM A GRUMP
I COMPLAIN MORE
NOT TO MENTION IT PUTS ME RUNNING BEHIND IN THE MORNINGS WHICH MEANS
1 - IM RUSHED
2 - I DONT GET MY QUIET TIME IN
I NEED TO NOT BE RUSHED AND I DESPERATELY NEED MY MORNING QUIET TIMES - DESPERATELY

SO TODAY I AM VERY GRUMPY AND COMPLAINTIVE - IT'S NOT A PLEASING THING - I HATE BEING THIS WAY AND I SO DONT WANT TO AFFECT THOSE AROUND ME

I FEEL TODAY LIKE MUCH IS PRESSING DOWN ON ME AND BOY AM I MISSING MY QUIET TIME MORE THAN EVER
MY DAYS JUST ARE NOT THE SAME WITHOUT IT

I DIDNT GET QUIET TIME YESTERDAY OR TODAY IN THE MORNINGS - MIND YOU I WENT HOME YESTERDAY AND HAD SOME QUIET TIME - BUT IT SO WAS NOT THE SAME

BUT...AND THIS IS A GOOD BUT...

I LOVE THAT I LOVE MY MORNING QUIET TIMES AND THAT I MISS THEM SO MUCH WHEN I DONT GET THEM - I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE ABLE TO GET UP AND HAVE TIME IN THE MORNINGS TO DO THAT - AND NOW I LOVE IT SO MUCH I ACTUALLY MISS IT WHEN IT DOESNT HAPPEN - SO I AM TRULY THANKFUL FOR THAT - TRULY!

YOU KNOW THERE IS ALWAYS ALOT GOING ON IN LIFE - AND IT SEEMS WHEN LIFE GETS BUSIEST THAT'S WHEN WE GET WEAK - I BELIEVE FOR ME SIMPLY BECAUSE I DONT HAVE TIME TO SPEND IN GOD'S PRESENCE LISTENING AND LEARNING AND ALLOWING HIS PEACE - WELL I AM DETERMINED TO GET MY MORNING QUIET TIMES IN - AND THAT MEANS GETTING TO BED AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE - SADLY I JUST DO NOT HAVE THE STAMINA TO STAY UP LATE AND BE FUNCTIONAL THE NEXT DAY - SO KNOWING THAT ABOUT MYSELF IS GOOD SO I KNOW HOW TO MAKE SURE I GET MY QUIET TIMES IN!

OH AND A QUICK NOTE ABOUT INCORPORATING PICTURES INTO MY BLOG - I DO NOT YET HAVE A FAMILY TO TAKE PICTURES OF - SO UNLESS I WANT TO PUT IN SILLY PICTURES LIKE THE LAST BLOG IT WOULD JUST BE PICTURES OF ME AND TATER - WHICH HONESTLY WOULD NOT BE VERY INTERESTING - SO ILL POST PICTURES OF KIDS CRUSADES AND TRIPS AND SUCH WHEN I TAKE THOSE BUT AS FAR AS EVERY DAY PICTURES - NOTHING PICTURE WORTHY HAPPENS EVERYDAY - ILL INCORPORTATE A CUTE PIC OF TATER OR MYSELF IF ONE ARISES BUT I DONT LIKE MY LAST POST OF SILLY SURFACE PICTURES SO I DONT THINK I WILL DO IT THAT WAY

SO WITH THAT SAID I ACTUALLY DO HAVE A VERY CUTE PICTURE OF MY TATER KITTY TO SHARE... THIS WAS TAKEN ONE MORNING LAST WEEK DURING MORNING QUIET/STUDY TIME - HE JUST LOOKED SO SWEET AND HIS FACE LOOKED SO LITTLE LIKE WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER THAT I COULDNT HELP BUT SNATCH UP MY PHONE AND TAKE A QUICK PICTURE - HE'S SO ADORABLE - I JUST AM IN LOVE WITH HIS LITTLE FACE EVERYDAY - I CANT WAIT TO HAVE CHILDREN TO FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT - HEE HEE - BUT I AM THANKFUL FOR MY TATER KITTY - HE KEEPS ME COMPANY AND IS A VERY SWEET SWEET KITTY - HE'S VERY CUDDLING AND LOVING!

THAT'S IT FOR TODAY - HAPPY TUESDAY :)

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Joyful & Honored

So I must say this week has been great! I have felt great physically- after a week of pain from my neck, back, and hips - I have been filled with Joy! Aaaahhh, I really have felt just wonderful. I am so excited about my commitment to spend my mornings with my Heavenly Father. It has made ALL the difference in me. I am thankful for it all!!


I have decided to try to incorporate pictures into my blog, it is always much more fun to see pictures in a blog. We'll see how this goes. I am enjoying this seasong of American Idol! In watching it last night I realized I could never have the courage to do what those talented contestants have done. Wow! I love to sing, but I desire only to sing for the Lord not for the world. And thank goodness too, I seriously do not think I could do it, I dont think I have that kind of talent first and second it would be hard to get up and sing and then take that kind of criticism in front of so many people. Wow! But I enjoy watching the show none the less and just love David Archuletta, that 17 year old cutie just blows me away. He is sweet and humble and was born to sing. He is my favorite thus far!
But alas my life does certainly contain more than American Idol...

My morning times have become my favorite times of the day. I love my new routine! Who would have thought it. Not me, I have never been very good at getting up in the mornings - especially not on time and most especially not early enough to have a routine of more than rushing like mad to get ready for work and be less than 15 mins late.

Today's routine:(today I added exercise into my routine)
Wake @ 5:45am
Walk on treadmill for 15 mins (trying this new walk-off-the-fat program I found on MSN)
Shower
Bible/Quiet time (Journal, Read, Pray, Listen) - 6:30-7:00
Get ready for work
Leave for work by 7:30am

Aaaahhh, I love it. I look forward to it.
Not to mention...I love my journal it's fabulous:
I have almost filled my second one...and will soon be purchasing my third...Love It!

My week has included some hiccups...car seems to need to go back to the shop, but my mechanic has the flu, my mom is struggling alot, upstairs TV died, Dad has the flu too, poor thing - I hope he feels better soon!! My mechanic too!! There has been drama at work but I have handled it well and just stayed focued on God.

And some exciting moments...Neesie starting her new job-I am so proud of her & I know this is her calling & I know she is going to change so many lives-I am really so proud of her! The upstairs TV was revived(who knew unplugging would work), got to visit mom and Jacob on a sunny extended lunch and bless her...my work load at work has been managable, and that is nice for a change, it will change again as busy season hits but for now I am enjoying it...It's only Wednesday morning and I am sure there are other exciting things in store.

I am excited about what God has in store tonight. I know He desires to rock our socks off again tonight like He did last week. Wow, talk about amazing. Last week youth was incredible. Kids were filled with the Holy Spirit, I got to pray with a young lady as God did some MAJOR healing and work in her, and then some of us tarried in the presence of the Lord, and God set a fire in the hearts of three amazing young ladies to pray for the youth group and interceed for them, they invited me to pray with them...and Sunday afternoon we spent some time together praying and battling for the youth group. Amazing. God is working. He is up to something big. And I am so honored to be a part of it. He is up to something in the youth and He is up to something in Children's Church. One Generation Boot camp has been amazing. The kids are reading their bibles and hiding God's Word in their hearts. Wow!! And God has been teaching us about our Weapons and how to use them and wow it is just amazing. Our kids are Amazing and wonderful and I am so very very honored to get to be a part of their lives and their journey. I love spending time with them every week and see the things God is doing in them. I am so honored to be called to such an incredible ministry! HONORED!

Friday, February 22, 2008

It's Friday!

Today I am thankful for:
The Holy Spirit
The Rain
My partially clean house

I came home last night and began cleaning...oh to have ample time to clean like I used to...I love to have a truly clean house...I have a long way to go to get it done...but I got a good start last night...and I am thankful.

Well it's Friday and the meetings begin...but at least its Friday and then I have two days without Summer Classics and it's ---ahheeemm---Challenges.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

What did I expect...Jesus IS my life for the rest of my life!

Yep I get to be a blogger...
This is one website not blocked by my employer...
I am thankful...

Well this has been a tough week...but what did I expect really...let me explain...

I decided that finally I was going to get up early and have my devotion time in the moring...now this has been something I have wanted to do...but I am NOT a morning person at all...but I decided that didnt matter I wanted to get up and start my day with God...and I have been very faithful to that this week...and I fully believe that it ticked my enemy off...darts have been flying left and right...

I deciede to finally get my car in the shop because I did not feel safe driving kids in in with the craziness that was going on with the breaks and I got completely fed up with putting anti-freeze or water in it EVERY week...sheesh...so I took my sweet Mallie car to the car doctor...aka the best mechanic in the world Revis Auto - located in Wilsonville - yes that was a shameless plug - guys my mechanic is the best and if you do not have a mechanic you love and trust I HIGHLY recommend Mr. Ronnie Revis...he is great and know how to talk to a lady without acting like she is a dumb bimbo...so anyway back to the story...I got a phone call from Ronnie and it turns out it is going to cost over $1000.00 to get my Mallie back...OH MY GOODNESS...WOW...who has $1000.00 on any given day...well certainly not me...and I was desperately trying to get the car back by Saturday because it's Zone Fine Arts weekend and I was planning on being a driver for Boo and Carrie...well that's out...so wow...we have issues here right...
Well to make a really long story short because this is shaping up to be a book now...
A box fell on me Sunday causing a reoccurance of serious neck, back, and hip pain...
Car diagnosis - grim
When I gave blood I received this GREAT t-shirt(now normally they only give XXL white ugly shirts but this time its a really cool shirt)...well she accidentally gave me a small :( and when I went to exchange it today the bus was pulling away...small but equally sad...sigh
And a few more things that thankfully I can not remember right now...yay

Well as I started this blog I realized...I made a commitment to God and it ticked the enemy of my soul off...well I have news for him...I got up this morning though I was completely exhausted from all the emotional pull of anxiety...and I will get up in the morning...and so on and so on...

The enemy will not win...hang it up...I am sold out...I belong to God and no matter what is slung my way I will love the Lord my God with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind, & with all my strength.

Jesus IS my life for the rest of my life!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Bumps in the road

Ggggrrr
Ggggrrr
Ggggrrr
I know that bumps in the road are designed to teach us and make us stronger...and wow that just reminded me of a scripture I used to cling too...hhhmmm...I need to re-visit that...Romans 5:3-5
3Not only so, but we[a] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
yes I very much believe I need to cling to this in my disappointment today...
I had a goal to not over draw my account this year...well I haven't even made it out of January and my accoutn is overdrawn...talk about being disappointed...I cried this morning...but yet I still decided to press onward and forward...no matter how disappointed I felt...I am learning and I am aware that I need effort in this area...I guess that is a start...I am holding to that...I HATE MONEY...by the way...HATE IT...however I have been faithful in my tithes thus far this year and that is THE most important thing...and I know I will be okay...that God will take care of me...and I belive that with all my heart...and I do believe that I WILL have victory over this area in my life becuase I am an overcomer and more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus...I am standing on my Word this year and I will not be moved...in the words of 33Miles and their song Stand Amazed:
I don’t really know how long forever is
But that’s how long I’m gonna give my life
Everything I face, it tries to tear me down
No I won’t back away from the sacrifice

I won’t forget what you’re love means to me
You’re always there to light my way
(Chorus)
When all the lights go down and the world is quiet
No one is around
I wanna be the same man that will serve you then
Like I serve you now
That my convictions never change
O let my need for you remain
As real as the moment I was saved
I will always stand amazed
Sometimes my heart desires such selfish things
When the moment comes help me to trust
Something better that you have for me
If I could just hold on to you enough
I won’t forget what you’re love means to me
You’re always there to light my way
(Chorus)
You will be my strength when I am weak
When I wanna give in and not turn the other cheek
Let this be the prayer that I speak
That I speak


Thank you Lord for hope today in the midst of my disappointment...that is new for me...and I give YOU the glory for it!!
Thank you for the blessing you sent my way today!
Thank you for always being you in my life!!
I love you Father!!
In Jesus Saving name.
Amen

Friday, January 11, 2008

Welcome 2008!

Welcome to 2008!

Year of the Spirit

where...

Comfort is not an option



I must say that I love New Years, I love the opportunity to start fresh, clean the slate and move forward. I wish there were another point right smack in the middle of the year to do such. But I'll take what I have and that's New Years!



So far in 2008...



I have EXCITEMENT...oh boy do I have excitement...I am excited to be on a diet...more excited to BE on the diet than the small amout of weight I have lost thus far...go WW...lovin it...I am excited to be on a budget...silly I know but I guess what I like really about these things is that I am diciplining myself...and I like the feeling of changing for the good!



I feel GOOD about Me...for a year or more me hasn't been doing so good, me has been lost lost lost...lost in a valley that was far and wide...I feel myself climbing out of that valley...being washed in the Word...and finding new hope and strength on the climb up...and again I am EXCITED about that!!



I fasted TV for a week...well I have two days left on the fast but I am thoroughly enjoying it...it feels a bit like a slow down to me...it's nice to hear the quiet and to study the word without anticipating what I am going to be watching later...I am unsure what I will do TVwise after the fast...I think I need to be TV free much more than I have been before...so maybe I will designate days that the TV doesn't get turned on!



So with that said I am ready for a New Year and a new Me...and I believe God is going before me to prepare the way!! I am submersing myself in the Word...and feeling quite refreshed...I am EXCITED about the ministry this New Year will hold and I am ready to give of myself like I used to. I can't wait...I'm EXCITED!!!



It's so cool how this year is beginning with going back to the basics...with diet - WW(Weight Watchers)!!!, budget - I have a new planner and I am planned down to the dollar and down to the minute!!!!, Children's Church - One Generation Boot Camp!!!!!!!!, Youth - Inside Out series!!! - but it's all so personal for me...I think it's all apart of God's great plan for me this year...taking me back and building me stronger!!!



It's so....so....EXCITING!!!!



Onward and Forward and Up!!



2008 here I come!!



Father,

this year belongs to you, I pray that you would appoint every step and every opportunity that is to come. I pray that I would be lead SOLEY by YOU. Thank You for the EXCITEMENT you have placed in me and thank You for bringing me back to me...the me You created me to be. Thank You for your never ending work in me...may I be simply a willing vessel this year...for your kingdom...my heart is to impact your kingdom in a positive way...I pray for souls to be won this year...many many many souls...I pray for walls to be torn down in hearts...I pray for healing...deep healing...I pray for You to be Glorified in all I GET to do this year. I love you Father, and I live to serve You. Thank You for all the opportunites you give me to do so, may I make you proud in this New Year. In Jesus name! Amen!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

GRANDAD

I did what I knew I needed to do... Current mood: accomplished
my grandad was sick and i allowed stupid doubts to keep me from leaving with my family to go and see him in south carolina...friday night i got to talk to him on the phone...he said...you're the only thing that is missing, i wish you were here, i love you...within an hour i was on my way to south carolina...it was 11:00pm...i drove to south carolina by myself in the middle of the night because i realize that i was loved...love drives...i have never driven that far by myself before...mind you i did not stop...i drove for 4 1/2 hours straight without out stopping...i had a good friend talk to me for a little while and i was so thankful for that...so thankful...it was the middle of the night...i knew i needed to see my grandad and that my grandad needed to see me...i am here in south carolina at the hotel with my family that God gave me...where i belong...i am so blessed to have been given two families...they are both wonderful...this one was given to me by God...and i belong here with them...and i got to see my grandad this morning...and will get to see him again soon...he got to see me and know that i love him too...it a wondrous thing to know that you are loved...a wondrous thing...this trip has been really good...i am with my neesie, my brothers and my dad, and ashley...we are having a great time...and we got to be with grandad...i did what i knew i needed to do...be with my family...and i feel so accomplished for driving all this way by myself for the first time ever...i did not let distance or doubt or fear stand in my way...and i am thankful that i didnt...i love my family...i love my grandad...i love my brothers...i love that i am here with them...i am proud to be adopted!!!

Monday, June 18, 2007

Along the journey...

Yep that's where I am...somewhere along this grand journey...
I have to remind myself God never said this was going to be easy...
But this journey I am on is what I was created for...
Choosing good, choosing right, choosing GOD...
He had a plan for me even while I was in my mother's womb...
I want HIS plan for me...He knows better than I what is best for me...
He knows the plan for me much better than I do...He sees the bigger picture...
Sometimes I wish I could see it too...but I would understand it still...
And I wouldn't learn as much as I do just trusting him in blindness...
I need childlike faith...like how a child just follows along behind their mom...
No questions asked just goes...not needing to know why or when or what...
Just that they are loved, held, and in their presence...
That's what I need to do...just follow along, simply knowing...
That I am loved, held, and completely content to be in HIS presence...
Because HE is ALWAYS with me...He is always leading, if only I will follow...
It's not always easy when you cant see the path before you...
It's lighted as I go...moment by moment, piece by piece...I cant see the miles ahead...
I simply need trust and joy as my fuel to keep going...
I need to see HIM alone and hear HIS voice alone...
I am confident in HIS promises...I am just not so good at the waiting...
But I am going to be good at it again...YES I AM
So here I am along the journey...
learning.
growing.
waiting.
following.
trusting.
God give me strength
God give me faith
God give me paitience
God give me joy
God give me contentment
Thank You
Father
Abba Father
My Joy
My Strength
My All in All

Thursday, June 07, 2007

A mess

I am about to do something that is so very very hard
sometimes obediance is the hardest thing
and when you'll miss someone so much
when everything is going to change
I want to be done
I want to let go
I want to be OBEDIANT
I am at moments doubting I can do this
but I can
cause God is asking me to
and when he asks he doesnt let down
He wont leave me
He wont forsake me
He will be here
and when its all over and I have been obediant
it will be good
it will be better
its hard
im scared
it hurts
i am missing it already
this is so hard
i want to move on
i want what GOD has for me
i want to be obediant
i want to do whats right
i also want to just run
lol
but i wont
i need to hear from you clearly God
help
please let me feel you here with me
please give me strength i can feel
peace i can feel
knowing i can feel
speak to me and let me hear
clearly
i need to hear you clearly
i need you
please be close
please give me words
your words
please give me stregth
control
peace
hope
help me to be done
done
done
done
i need to let go
i need you
only you can get me through this
touch me
speak to me
annoint me
let me walk in YOUR spirit
cover me
please
Jesus
Jesus
Jesus
I need you!
in Jesus name
amen

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Let's talk about ABBA FATHER!

So not to my surprise really God is amazing! The past few weeks He has just been doing a really awesome work in me!!!
There was "a bit of silliness" in my life that I have been struggling with for quite sometime and He began showing me things I didnt like and things that didnt fit about that bit of silliness. Just stirring things up in me very subtly. Then He spoke some direct things to me on a Wednesday night. Then He ordained a complete seperation from the bit of silliness. It could only be my Father that did this all. No other way it could have all happened like that. He has now brought me to the place where I am DONE with the bit of silliness and REFOCUSED on HIM!!
In fact this is what He spoke to me:
I am
I can
&
I will
~God
Also Matthew 7:14
" But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."
Refocus and STAY FOCUSED!
I am now very excited about my summer. My plans are to focus in on God and take advantage of every opportunity HE brings my way!! I can not wait.
And it all gets started this weekend we head off to CAMP!!!!
I can not wait!!
Abba Father, Thank you for your gentleness and your wisdom and for showing me the things you have shown me and for telling me the things you have told me and for working in me this awesome work you are doing. Thank you for helping me see this bit of silliness once and for all! Continue your work in me and keep me strong and Focused on YOU!!
Thank you Father!! Forgive me for getting caught up in the bit of silliness!! I love you!!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Where...How...

So lately I have been wondering...
Where has Tabbie gone?
The Tabbie that is so sure and calm and in tune with God...
The Tabbie that is patient and caring and deep...
The Tabbie that works hard on being who God created her to be...
I feel like this past year I have lost me...
I feel like I have lost me...
In the wait, in the heartache, in the question WHY?, in the promises,
In the selfishness, in the desire, in the hope, in the doubt, in the dreams...
How could I have lost what I had, who I was?
I remember sitting around a table telling some ladies how sure I was of me and what I wanted and what I was willing to do...
I was sure, I did know, I felt that deep...
How could that have left...
How could I have let that go...
How could I have gotten so bogged down...
I miss feeling sure, I miss being knowledgable, and wise...
Now I feel like I am just surviving from moment to moment...
Barely existing and making it through...
Makes me angry and disappointed...
That I could let me slip away...
That I could let myself spiral down...
I miss my closness with God, my sureness in me from Him...
Not that I havent been close to Him or been with Him...
It's just so different right now...
I just miss me...
The me that was sure, confident, and on top of things...
I feel very close to the bottom right now...
Not anywhere close to the top...

My prayer is that I will pull through and get back to the top...not that I'll ever be completely on the top...but I want some of me back...

Friday, April 20, 2007

Wedding Song

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to meIt feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Sometimes you just have to be broken

Sometimes you have to be broken
to see
to hear
to know
Sometimes you just have to be broken
God gives us things in pieces because if He gave us the whole it would kill us
Sometimes even just those pieces He gives feel like they are going to kill us
Oh what a great Father we have, beyond anything we think or think we know
He is simply beyond anything we could fathom
He is God
He is Daddy
He is Protector
He is Giver
He is Taker
He is LOVE
He is LIFE
He is EVERYTHING
I want to be the kingdom, I want to be the touch others need from Him, I want to walk through the fear with my SAVIOR by myside guiding my every step, I want to be obediant, I want to be willing!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

What I want for my Birthday

Okay so because my birthday is right around the corner I have been asked what I want...here's very bluntly what I want:

I want to finally meet the one God has for me, finally get to be in love again, finally get to have that one to share your life with, finally get to start that chapter of my life, finally get to date, hold hands, kiss, finally get to have MY WEDDING - trust me I have been to enough and have more than enough ideas, finally get to have that, ring, congrats, parties, gifts, well wishes, excitement, tears, planning advice, dress, reception, song, you know the whole thing!!!

That's what I want! I know one day I will have it, but I truly want that day to be today. Not saying I am going to compromise or do anything rash. Just that really is my desire this year, this birthday. I am ready to move forward. I am ready for a new chapter in my life. I am ready to meet my husband!

Friday, February 16, 2007

Phew...

Funny thing...I am so tired but dont have time to be tired...so exhausted but dont have time to be exhausted...you ever just feel like falling apart all together...but know you dont have time to fall apart all together...I am at work and it is one of those times where I feel like I could fall apart all together...but I cant...which may very well be a GOOD thing...I dont need to fall apart all together...so much seems to be looming before me...so much to be done...so much to wait on...so much I want...so much to get control of...so many emotions...so many disappointments...so many joys...so much...I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a hurricane...I am calm but oh my the storm that surrounds me...Jesus is the reason I am calm...I know that with all of my heart...and wow am I thankful to have HIM...for real!!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

40 days...

I will seek
I will listen
I will hear
I will be obediant
I will change
I will be changed
I will GO
I will STOP
I will meditate

Be here, be close my Father! It's ALL about you!
I pray for
Direction
Wisdom
Understanding
Strength
Change

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

I will bring you CAKE...

There was once a little boy of 2 years old...who LOVED cake, he didnt just love cake like most children he LOVED cake. One day his mother was making a Red Velvet cake for some of her friends and little Cameron looked at his mom and said...mom I want CAKE...his mom explained that the cake was for some friends and he could not have any of the cake...well this displeased little Cameron immensley but for a bit he went on about his business...but soon he was back and told his mom...MOM I want CAAAKKEEE...so she then cut him off a small sliver so that she could cover up the missing part...but this only fuled his fire for cake...so the mom decided lets go out and distract little Cameron...so they went outside and shortly thereafter the phone rang...so mom's on the phone chatting when she hears the door close behind her...she turns around just in time to see little Cameron LOCK THE DOOR...she screams"Cameron dont you touch that cake"...little 2 year old Cameron uses all his little 2 year old might to slide a chair across the room to the counter where the cake sits...he climbs up on the chair and looks back at his mom...who once again screams"Dont you touch that cake"...Cameron takes the lid off the cake plate and is just staring at the cake...there is only inches of air between him and the cake...all the cake he could ever want...Cameron looks back at his mom...who by now is just watching and waiting...Cameron looks once again at the cake then slowly picks up the lid and places it back on the cake...climbs down from his chair...walks straight to the door and lets his mom in...now what do you suppose mom did...she gave that little two year old the BIGGEST piece of CAKE he could ever eat...he had cake from head to toe...
If we will be obediant God will bring us more CAKE than we can imagine...

Sometimes it sure it hard to put the lid back on the cake without touching it at all...God will honor that obediance...beyond anything we can imagine...I am banking on that!!

Thank you for speaking to me Lord through this story...somedays I am sliding my chair up to the cabinet to get the cake...somedays it truly is so hard to put the lid back on that cake and walk away and trust and wait...but I believe in you and I know you belive in me...together we can do this.

I love you Jesus, my savior, my victory.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Standing...

IN THE WORD...
IN THE PLACE I AM CALLED...
IN THE HARD...
IN THE EASY...
IN THE FAIR...
IN THE UNFAIR...
IN TRUTH...
IN HOPE...
IN PATIENCE...

WITH MY SAVIOR...

NO ONE EVER SAID IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE EASY...EVERYTHING TAKE WORK...I HOPE I WILL BE MORE WILLING THIS YEAR THAN EVER BEFORE TO PUT IN THE WORK NEEDED TO GROW AND STAND...THERE ARE ALWAYS THINGS THAT NEED WORK...ALWAYS THINGS TO LEARN AND CHANGE...ITS NOT ALWAYS EASY TO STAND WHERE GOD HAS CALLED ME...BUT I AM COMMITTED TO STAND ANYWAY...SOMETIMES IT HURTS...BUT ITS WORTH IT...THANK YOU JESUS FOR YOUR CALL...IT IS YOURS...HELP ME TO STAND IN OBEDIANCE...I LOVE YOU LORD JESUS.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

The blowing of the wind

The winds of change are ever blowing...here it comes again in the changing of another year...I wonder what the new year holds...and was this year really Victorious for me...what will the new year hold...goals fulfilled? promises begun? battling continuint?
Whatever this year holds I know one thing for sure...I will stand with my Jesus...stand strong and true...always uncompromising even in strife...always with strength even in weakness...standing for my future...the One Day will come one day...I want to be ready...I want to be alert...but I want to be content most of all...maybe in the new year contentment will return to me...

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Still here

Still here...still standing...still waiting...still loving my Father, my Savior, my Helper...still a little out of control...still very much ok...its so refreshing to finally in my lifetime just simply be okay...no matter what comes my way...I am simply ok...ALL the glory goes to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ...I would never have gotten to where I am today without Him...I never would have changed...never would have been okay...my life has been completely transformed these past several years...and all the credit goes to Jesus...I had someone tell me recently "I am glad you are different and dont do the things you used to do"...well I am glad too...but its all because of Jesus...all because of the RELATIONSHIP I have with Him...He has given me everything I needed to not give up when things got hard...and whew did they get hard...but we didnt give up and we've made it this far...there is still a long journey ahead of me and much to learn and much to change...but with HIM all things are possible...and I wouldnt trade my relationship with my Savior for anything in this world...and I know I am such a better person now...and as I continue to grow and learn I will be better and better...more Christlike is the goal...always the goal...loving unconditionally...it's really all about loving...and I hope to get better and better at it...God willing...so I'm still here...still learning and growing...still In Love with my Savior!

Monday, October 30, 2006

oh what a glorious day...

Ministry...my life...my passion...my desire...I love the work...I love the prayer...I love the results...I love being a part of it...oh what a glorious day it will be when I get there full-time...with my husband...Father, please bring that day soon...In Jesus name...Amen!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

In the process of growth...

Waiting...waiting...waiting...I know that when the wait is over I will be able to look back and be proud beyond words...I know right now that it is worth it...that I am worth it...I know that I am ok...I am okay in which ever direction God takes me...I know the places I will not compromise...I know the things I need to see...I know what I am waiting for...GODS WILL...I know that even though there are things I can not control and can not do anything with...I am ok...and God sees me...He knows me...He understands me...wow...God understands me and what I am feeling...I know that I have not and will not manipulate and control to make my wants happen...but I will stand and watch Gods plan happen...because He knows what I need better than anyone else especially me...waiting...waiting to move...waiting to jump...waiting to fall...waiting for my my magnamous moments...waiting so intensly I could jump out of my skin...waiting...letting go...letting go...letting go of my wants and anticipating His...letting go of my thoughts to see what He wills to happen...letting go of my guesses...letting go of my heart...letting go of my dreams...letting go...letting go and letting God...holding on...holding on...holding on to His promises...holding on to His truths...holding on to His hand...holding on to His will...holding on to the growth in me...holding on to my convictions...holding on to me...the real me...holding on with all my might...walking away...letting go...giving it up...holding it out in an open palm...releasing it all...to HIM...to...MY ONE AND ONLY...never giving up...never compromising...never giving in...waiting...letting go...holding on...here am I...in the process of growth and commitment...here am I...here am I...continuing on...in love with my ONE AND ONLY!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

A glimpse...

I a telling of a story of my last relationship today God allowed me to once again be reminded of what I was and what I have overcome...I needed an extra dose of that...a glimpse of the incredible ugliness that once was...and a glimpse of the beauty He has brought out...it is big...it is good...it is a miracle...it is alot...but there is more...the are big hurtles before me still...but in seeing the old hurtles I have cleared I know that I can clear the ones that are ever before me...nothing is too big for Him...I was so reminded that He is the one who changed me...NOT ME...I did nothing good...but He did...He transformed me...and I am thankful...I need the transformation to continue...in everyway and everyday...I want to be different...I want to be fully who He created me to be...I am striving for perfection...I am striving to be Christlike in EVERYWAY...I want to be a life giver and not a life taker...Father I need you...I thank you...I praise you...I worship you...I need you...I want you...Here I Am...CHANGE ME...I love you!

Monday, October 23, 2006

Where would I be...

Father where would I be without you...when I think about who I am now and the struggles I still contend with everyday...I can not even imagine how on earth I did it without you before...I cant imagine how others around me survived when those around me now struggle so much to survive me...Lord Jesus I do not want to be what I see...I want to be what you created...and You are my only way...so right now my Father with everything in me I cry out to you...dont let me stay in this place...dont let me plane off...I want to keep growing and climbing...and I want those around me to be protected and I want those who will be in my future to be protected...I do not want to be what I am and what I have been...Father hear my heart...hear my cry...You are the only Truth and Way...You are my EVERYTHING...I know that all I need is You...and I need and want you so badly to be in EVERYTHING...I want so badly to be who you created me to be in everyway...Father I need you...I need you everyday...thank you for the ways you surprise me...thank you for holding me up when I cant even hold myself up...thank you for carrying me when I can not even crawl...You are Faithful to me even when I am not faithful to you...You are my strength and my life force...I am so in love with you...thank you for who you are in me...than you for all you are doing...seen and unseen...thank you for walking me through this...thank you for not leaving me...thank you for your promises...thank you for your correction...thank you for your will...i love you my father...i love you my savior...i love you my breath...i love you my heart...i love you my love...i love you

Friday, October 06, 2006

So deep in

So deep in love
So deep in sorrow
So deep in joy
So deep in life
So deep in stress
So deep in hope
So deep in exhaustion
So deep in excitement
So deep in servanthood
So deep in learning
So deep in the journey
So deep in promises
So deep in truth
So deep in prayer
So deep in ministry
So deep in waiting
So deep in trust
So deep in growing

All at the same time...
So deep...

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Talk about perspective...

Matthew 6:30-33 - Message Bible

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers- most of which are never even seen-don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met."

Yep I sure did need to hear this!!!

NIV version:

"But seek first HIS kingdom and HIS righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

If that doesn't put things into perspective...well I dont know what does...how about the Word of God...and how it is just what we need whenever we need something...when you struggle find a bible...ask God to give you a verse to stand on...and HE WILL...then everytime you think about what you are struggling with repeat the verse...then everytime you think of the verse repeat it again...meditate on it...it will help you stand where you need to stand in the midst of your struggles.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Remembering Nine Eleven

REMEMBERING NINE ELEVEN
ON THIS FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY
OF THE DAY WE STOOD IN FEAR
WE NEED NOT BE REMINDED
TODAY REMEMBER DEAR
WHEN THE WORDS NINE ELEVEN
ARE HEARD SAID ALOUD
OUR MIND IMMEDIATELY RETURNS
AND SEES THE DUSTY CROWD
FOR THIS GENERATION HAS NO OTHER
SUCH AS THIS TO RECALL
THIS ONE DAY IS THE MEMEORY
THAT STANDS ABOVE THEM ALL
WE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER
EXACTLY WHERE WE WERE
THE VERY FIRST FEELING
THE MOMENT THAT WE HEARD
THE IMAGES ARE SEARD
UPON OUR HEARTS AND MINDS
NEVER TO BE FORGOTTEN
THIS DAY IN HISTORYS TIME
ITS IS NOT REQUIRED TO BE ASK
DO YOU REMEMBER WHERE YOU WERE
WE AUTOMATICALLY RECALL
WITHOUT SAYING A WORD
On September 11, 2001...
I was at work when the realization of what happened hit...I cried and prayed all day for those who were there that day...God continue to strengthen this country and its leader...continue to give wisdom and protection to this country and its leaders...we need you Lord...9-11 reminded us how much we need YOU...I love you Father...In Jesus name...Amen.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Just in time...

Wow in the midst of my day...having a stinky attitude and finding it incredibly hard to just be nice and sweet and normal...I read this...isnt it just like our Father to tell us just what we need to hear just as we need to hear it...and to think there are those who do not believe He is a personal God...read His word and get a daily devotion and there will be no doubt left...God is so good...even in our yuck days...we just have to let Him be good...hmmm...wow!
Below is a Sheila Walsh Devotion...it came just in time for me today!!


August 29, 2006

Say Thank You

Were there no God we would be in this glorious world with grateful hearts and no one to thank. Christina Rossetti

Im learning to stop for thankful moments. It's become daily discipline of mine since I found that I was getting overwhelmed by all the daily stuff that "has to get done." Some of the feelings and fears I had before I was hospitalized for clinical depression were niggling at me again, buzzing around me like persistent houseflies. I've learned enough about what makes me tick to pay attention when I feel myself sinking. So I'm learning to stop intentionally throughout every day and lift my heart and soul to heaven and say, "Thank you!" Giving thanks does wonders for my soul. It refocuses me on what's really important so that instead of dwelling on the fact that Christian just tried to flush my new pale blue suede pumps down the toilet, I can celebrate the gift of a child when so many arms are empty. Marcus Aurelius, a first-century Roman emperor, wrote that the most important thing a man can choose is how he thinks. We can dwell every day on the things that are not working and let them drag us down, or we can thank God for the simple gifts of grace he gives us every day if we have a heart to see them. When Barry's mom's liver cancer had spread to the degree that she was receiving in-home hospice care, she told me about the many people who dropped by every day to say "hi" or to bring some crab soup to try to tempt her to eat. "Sometimes you don't stop to think how many good friends you have until a time like this," Eleanor said. That thought sat on my shoulder like a small bird waiting to be fed. One March evening when we were visiting Eleanor in Charleston, Barry and I went out for a drive through the beautiful countryside. Suddenly the idea occurred to me: "Here's what I'd like to do," I said. "We'll have a good photo taken of you and Christian and me and get it enlarged, then cut it into pieces." Barry looked at me as if the strain of his mom's illness had pushed me off a mental bridge. "Like a jigsaw puzzle," I explained. "We'll send a piece of the puzzle to each of our dear friends with a letter telling them why we're grateful to them, what they add to our lives, and how God has used them to fill in the missing pieces in our hearts. Then at Christmastime we'll invite them to a party at our house. We'll ask them to bring their piece, and we'll give them a gift specially chosen to highlight what they mean to us." Barry was still looking at me as if I needed more sleep. I pressed on as we women have to when they don't get it. "At the end of the evening we'll glue all the pieces back together, a visual picture of how our friends have added to our lives and how truly grateful we are for each one of them." "What made you think of that?" Barry asked as we drove across the river. "Don't you think it's a good idea?" I asked him. "Sure I do," he replied, "but what made you think of it?" "I don't really know. Sometimes I just want to find more ways to say 'Thank you."' "So you just thought of that?" Barry pressed. "Yes!" "And you're feeling all right?" "Yes!" I smiled. "It's like what we're trying to teach Christian. We tell him it's not enough just to say 'Sorry' when he does something wrong. Instead we ask him to tell us what he's sorry for. So perhaps it's not always enough to say Thanks, either. We need to say what we're thankful for." As I lay in bed that night after swallowing the two aspirin Barry gave me, I thought about how the same principle applies to our relationship with God. Instead of just tossing off a "Hey, thanks!" now and then as we hustle through life, why not make it a practice to thank him very specifically for his goodness to us? In her book Basket of Blessings: 31 Days to a More Grateful Heart, Karen O'Connor shares her experience with just such a practice. "If you want to be content, to experience peace," a friend had told Karen, "write down your blessings-the things you're grateful for-on slips of paper and put them in a container of some kind. A small basket or box or bag will do. Soon it will be full to overflowing. From time to time look at what you wrote. No one can be discontent for long with so much to be thankful for." In addition to filling a "blessing basket" on a daily basis, we could write a letter to God once a year, listing all that pours out of our hearts for his extravagant grace to us. Think of what a joy it would be to keep our annual letters of gratitude to read through the years or to pass on to our children. Whether our "Thank yous" are momentary, intentional pauses in the midst of a hectic day, thank-you notes to God for his many blessings, or lengthy discourses of his grace, cultivating an attitude of gratitude will remind us of the truth that under girds our lives: "For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations" (Ps. 100:5). Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. - Psalm100:4

Thursday, August 03, 2006

I just want to BE victorious...

Well here I am swimming in and out of discouragement...for the past week or so I seem to dip down into to the pit of discouragement so easily...and truth of the matter is...I know I am at fault...but I also know that I can not dwell there...sometimes I just so feel like I am spinning my wheels and getting NOWHERE...I know that is probably not entirely true...but I want to see major changes in me...major break throughs...I want to BE victorious...and its not that I just want to skip all the work...its just I want to SEE something happening in me...I have been asking God to help me see myself as He does...and one thing I know is that I have backed away from the Word again...I plan to get back today...I let my lack of routine get me out of focus...and there are many things I need to get back into focus...the first and most important being my devotions...I need to be fed by the Living Word...EVERYDAY...God is encouraging me...but I am having a little bit of a tough time holding on to that encouragement...on the whole though...I WILL NOT GIVE UP...even though at times I get tired...there's not giving up...Thank you Jesus for never leaving my side...for always lifting me up and holding me tight...I love you with all of my heart, soul and being...continue your work in me Father...in Jesus name...Amen.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Staying on the front lines...

I really hate that my strength seems to disappear so easlily...seems like one day things are great and the next I have relapsed into old habits...habits that I am fighting with all my might to break...makes me angry...but whats the point in being angry...gets me nowhere...owell...I am just going to pick myself back up...dust off and stay on the front lines...ever wonder when...when will I win...when will I be done...sometimes I think I am glad I will never been done cause then where would I be...but in the midst of battle I wonder when will it all be over...I should take a hint...when I am feeling my strongest...I am probably being prepared for battle...I should see it coming by now...sometimes I am so fired up and ready to charge...and sometimes I am so torn down I cant hold my head up...I hate those times...I like feeling strong...I like charging...I dont like being torn down...but it is all part of it...part of growth...through it all...through even the hardest times...when I dont feel like I can hold my head up...when I have fallen yet again...the one thing that remains strong is my love for my Father...it shocked me last night...when I was struggling to worship him...I didnt have the strength to raise my hands to him...but in my heart I was screaming I love you I love you I love you to my Father...it was reverberating from my very depths from my soul I was loving Him...and the amazing thing is He loves me so much more...and I know He is here with me...cheering me on...I just hate to fall down...I hate that I have to regroup and seemingly start over...it makes me want to get discouraged and think I am never going to beat this thing...but I refuse to think like that...I refuse to allow myself to go there and believe that...Jesus is my Victory...and I know He wants me to win even more than I want me to win...so therefore I just have to keep my eyes and ears open...keep seeking deeper and deeper to find the answers and the strength I need to win...I am STAYING on the front lines...I will not run for cover...I will STAND and FIGHT...Jesus is my Refuge and I have no need to run and hide...Jesus I need you today and everyday...thank you for walking beside me and being my Soulmate, my Victory, my Refuge, my EVERYTHING...I need you and I want to fight this battle WITH YOU...I do not want to go it alone...I know that leads nowhere...I need to hear you and listen to you and obey you...help me Holy Spirit...be my Helper always...Father I love you with all my soul...my depths cry out with love for you...I know you have given me that love and I am thankful...thank you for making me strong and determined...thank you for making me who I am...help me to see myself as you see me and not as my eyes would see me...help me to look beyond what is seen to the unseen and hold tight till I can see it...You are my Source of LIFE...I need you to come to my Rescue...You are ever Faithful...and I hope to be more like you every day...help me to keep fighting! In Jesus name I pray...amen. At the front lines I stand. Pray!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

My battle cry - The sword of the Lord and ME!!!

Things are going good with me. I am winning battles and tearing down walls in my heart I did not even really know were there. It’s amazing how much your past can imprison you. But Jesus is my Victory and we are winning. I know this year will be life changing for me if I win the battles set before me. And I am fighting will all my might!! I know a lot of this has to be done before I can take the next step in my life; which is hopefully marriage!!? But we’ll see if that’s the next step or not! I know eventually that will happen but I don’t want it before the right time that is for sure!! Mom and Glenn are responding to me so much better than ever before. I am so thankful!! They are loving me in the small ways that they can and it’s nice that they are even trying. Mom actually seems to care about me again. I feel like I have been a good example to them and that they are learning from me and how I am loving them. And that makes me feel like I am actually doing something for the kingdom and for them. Because for so long I have just felt like I haven’t done anything or been any good for them or shown them God very much. But I feel a bit differently now. I am thankful. And honestly its nice to actually have Mom tell me she loves me without me forcing her to; and to have her ask about me once in a while. It’s been so foreign for so long. So anyway the more I learn to receive the love God has for me the better I am and the more I can love them and my future family. That is the battle I am in now. Learning to open up and fully receive love from God and those He has placed in my life as living examples. It’s super hard but I am fighting for it!! So pray for me. This is possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to face. Even harder than dealing with the sexual abuse from my past, shockingly enough! So my battle cry is - The sword of the Lord and Me!! Together we will win!! Jehovah Nissi - Lord you reign in Victory!! Thank you Jesus!!

Friday, June 02, 2006

My own battle song!

This blog is broken in two pieces...it was started weeks ago and finished today

You ever feel like you should have your own battle song you fight so much...seems like all my life I have been fighting...can't decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing...depends on which day you ask me...well I know this God created me with incredible determination...and I know HE is the only reason I have made it through...this world creates unsafety, guilt, abuse, worthlessness, shame, hatred, and I have fought it all...I have fought it since I was a child...some days I get tired...more tired that I can express...some days I get determined and fired up for battle...some days I get numb...some days I get happy...some days I experience it all...lol...what I am learning and teaching is I am worth it...who...ME...who...YOU...the battles we fight are because WE are worth it...some days I do not feel worth it...but that's when I hold on to what Pastor Tim told me not too long ago..."Don't let your feelings dictate what you know"...what do I know?:
God made me with a plan and purpose
I am His daughter
God loves me unconditionally
God's WORD is just as important as the relationship with Him - it's one of the things that holds the relationship together.


Second part

I feel really good lately about the battle. I feel like we are winning. We who? You ask. Jesus and me. He is the ONLY way for me to get through this. But I feel good. It isnt always easy, but I believe I am making some headway. I want nothing more than to be victorious. For myself but especially for those involved. My present family and my future family. This is my year of Victory I am believing that with all my heart. Maybe next year will hold something different for me. But I dont want to skip ahead to that yet. I mean I do but not before I have the victory I need in my life.
You know I am truly blessed. I really am. I am thankful for what God has done, and what He is doing and what He has given and continues to give. I am thankful, grateful, and content! That is a GREAT place to be! I am thankful to be back here!!
Well this second half has to be short as I have many many things to do here at work!!
Fighting On!

Monday, May 08, 2006

Matthew 5:10-12“You’re blessed when your commitment to God’s kingdom provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom. Not only that – count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens – give a cheer even! – for though they don’t like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.”

Wow - I sat down to read my bible last night and this is the first thing I read.

I WAS ENCOURAGED!!

Ok gonna get a little random here but it helps and I like it:

1) My jaw hurts today - I have no idea why - weird
2) I cant wait for all this with Camille to be over and better
3) I only thought I was caught up - HA
4) I cant wait for this weekend - I so need some fun in the sun
5) I love my portable DVD player - especially when I'm taking a bath
6) I love my new HUGE purse
7) My car is still dirty
8) Another good person is leaving Summer Classics
9) Work is about to get more stressed if that is possible
10) I forgot to wear my jewelry today
11) I want to practice writing
12) I want a spelling or English elementary workbook that would be sooo fun
13) I cant wait to meet about Children's Church Direction - I'm bursting here
14) I hope my invoices come in, in the morning
15) I have not eaten well today

That's all folks!!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

This will be a short post I think...time is an issue at this point at work...it has been crazy busy...I think I am enjoying it though...I usually like to know exactly what I am going to be doing everyday...but in this new postition I will not neccesarily know that...anyway God has been moving and shaking me...there is so much to be done and so many battles to fight...I still want more than anything to win...to live and love freely...at this point its a wistful dream...I do not like myself, not my personality, not my character, not my attitude, not much at all that I like these days...its all my fault too...so I seem to be in this never ending cycle that I create myself...stupid huh...well stupid is how the enemy works I guess...there's more confusion and disgust in his plan that's for sure...I am disgusted with his plan and that I have continually allowed him to work...but its like I have no idea how to do things differently...I want so badly just to be what GOD created me to be...but this world I have lived in for all these years has me pretty warped and it is taking much longer than I'd like to straighten things out...soon soon soon...I hope God's soon comes quickly...there is much work to be done...much work...in all areas, in all directions, in all places...just label me A WORK IN PROCESS...and I have to find a way to be okay being that for now...not that I'll ever not be that...but hopefully one day it will not be as bad as it is now...and let me tell you it is bad...I am bad...horrible...I make things, lives, and relationships - HORRIBLE...and that is not what I want to be or do...I feel as though right now I am just living in agony because I am stuck in this place that I DO NO want to be in...and though I try with EVERYTHING in me to get out, to do better, to change, I havent gained much ground it seems...I have gained some ground but not enough, not alot...all I know for sure is God is good, I have no doubts about that, and I am completely sold out to HIM and want nothing more than to be in HIS service and in HIS will...I want to be with Him all the time to be doing things to further His kingdom and to just be doing the work HE has called me to...I want to be what HE created me to be in every area of my life...I want to love HIM all the days of my life and serve HIM forever...I want to be successful at growing and changing and becoming who HE wants me to be...and I do not think that I am who HE wants me to be yet...I do not think I am even close...and that is very disheartening...VERY...well I have taken enough time to bellache...but I guess it helps to get things off my chest...anyway heading back to work...busy busy...in fact I havent left my desk since 11:00 today...

Monday, April 17, 2006

Ok so it has been a really long time since I blogged...it feels good to be back here...not that I really have time but I am just doing it anyway...I feel like there is so much to catch up on...just in myself in writing it all out...it always makes me feel better to write...and I havent written in a while!! My world is moving and shaking...lots happening in my personal life and lots happening at work...things are changing...and you know I am really ready for things to change...I am really ready for things to be different...to move to a different level at both places...God is asking much from me...but to whom much is given much is expected...and I am expected to TRUST...to trust HIM...not me...and you for my whole life the only person I could trust was me...now I have trusted HIM...but not in this particular area...I have relied soley on me...and guess what I have done...messed it up over and over and over...and guess what that has served to do...make me not trust myself...I dont feel like I can do what I need to do...but I think God is saying just let go and let ME worry about it let ME be responsible for it...that is extremely hard for me...and I still dont think I have it quite down yet...but I am going to try...and I am sure I am going to fail...but I am going to try to not look at myself to not judge myself...to just ask God for direction and help...and I know HE can do this in me...HE can do anything...He CAN...I can not...HE CAN...it's not about me its about HIM...and I have to stand there...although its still not really clear to me where I am standing...lol...but it doesnt have to be...and things are not perfect...not at all...but I have always had hope that they will get better...I am ready to be different...I am ready to be changed...I am ready to be VICTORIOUS!! BRING ON THE VICTORY GOD...ok well a little update on yesterday which was Easter Sunday...God gave me an incredible opportunity to be used by HIM...it was so awesome...I loved it...I was part of a gallery of GRACE...I was a Living Witness...He made me a Living Witness...and He spoke through me and it was so awesome...I really loved it...I love to be used by HIM...and He moved and allowed me to speak His words and pray for HIS daughters...it was so cool...I am thankful to have had the opportunity and to have allowed HIM to use me and to have been an empty vessel for HIM...it was incredible!! I loved it!!! Well work has gotten busy so that is all I have time for for now!! God is Good!!