Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Failure!

Ok fair warning...this is going to be real...if you dont want to read real...then dont!

You ever have one of those days when you just feel like a failure...ok so that is my day today...it's not like I dont know it is an attack from satan...I do know that...its like I see the things I have been working so hard on and I have failed at them again...even the part where I not supposed to beat myself up about but just recognize those things I failed at and deal with it and move on...well here is me failing at not beating myself up for failing...so today I feel like a great big failure...and I want to run like hell from it all...but I know I'd be running straight to hell...I told you this was going to be real...I am not hiding or sugarcoating anything...I am in a choleric mode right now...and no I'm not sorry for it...what is the point of hiding stuff anyway...does it really make it better no...I am who I am...I am human...I make mistakes...I want to run from the hard...and sometimes I do run from it...though up until today I thought I did a pretty good job of not running...but I am rethinking that whole thing too...I know that I wont run for long...because my heart is to seek God and His will and to be who He made me to be...what I am right now is NOT what He made me to be...I am definately walking in my flesh right now...I have made it past the break down point and moved right into shear anger...I am in fact so angry right now I could destroy something...I am fighting though...I do NOT want satan to win this battle...and ultimately he wont...because I am sold out to Jesus and He is my Victory...I am just having a bit of a hard time standing on that knowledge right now...I am ticked off, dog tired, and ready to attack...this is exactly what I do NOT want to be...I am tired of hurting those around me with my controling, ugly, self...and I am trying to change but seem to be spinning my wheels...God I need you to show me...I need to see where I have gained ground...cause right now I cant see that...I need You to knock this out of me...I am choleric so you know the hit has to be hard and right in the face...okay so this is so not a positive post so I am going to go but I needed to vent...and so I did...this is just me in a real, weak moment...yes I am all about being real right now...well I'm done...a true testament to my ugly side right here...pray for me if you read this...I need God to pull me up out of my own junk! Until next time...FIGHTING THROUGH!!!!!!

1 comment:

neesie said...

God is faithful and is showing and has shown you who you are and where he wants to take you. You are on that road and you are staying. Many things are choices whether we see them that way or not. Choose his way as you have so many times. As you are now. Recognize the love he has layed around you and in you. You are loved. You are his.